The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
I think I have finally realized that I can no longer deal with my son who lives in our apartment next to our house. He is suppose to pay rent and utilities but has not held a job for more than a week or two in the last six months. I have allowed him to just give me the money for his utilities for the past two months because he was going to AA meetings and another class. Thought he was doing good but today he called off work and went in late (I am sure he was drinking). I called and changed the package on his cable TV to the cheapest plan. I cannot disconnect because I am in a contract for another 8 months. He is now totally drunk and being very verbally abusive to me and using language only a sailor would use. I told him I did not wish to talk to him while he was drinking and we would discuss it later. I am going to have to get to a f2f meeting to get the strength to get through what I know lies ahead for me. It is just so hard playing a part in making my son homeless. It is killing me inside but I know I am enabling him by not making him be responsible for himself.
I think your instinct about getting to a F2F meeting is a good one - dealing with alcoholism puts so much stress on us, and can take us off-track in our own recovery, so "have to get to a meeting" in my experience is critical.
From your post, it appears your AS is breaking your boundaries by yelling at you when he is drunk and not paying rent that is fair for his apartment. Had you thought through consequences for your boundaries? Are these consequences something you will do for yourself, to look after yourself when they are crossed? I found I had to ask myself these questions over and over again just to keep my courage up. My sponsor also helped me think through my actions. Was I reacting? Was I forcing solutions or was I respecting my boundary....really helpful for me.
Anyway, my thoughts and prayers to you and your family,
The first thing that came to my mind while reading was what was your motive in calling to get his cable package changed? Did he not pay the current bill? Or were you just angry he decided to drink rather than go into work on time?
In my own experience I've realized I have done things like this out of anger because I was trying to control them or the situation. Or they made me angry so I wanted to do something to make them angry.
I agree with rocky on the boundaries. It took me awhile but I realized I needed to set boundaries for ME with clear consequences and STICK TO THEM no matter what. If at a point I decided that boundary was no longer necessary then I could go ahead and change it to fit how I needed it for my own sanity.
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"Live in such a way that you would not be ashamed to sell your parrot to the town gossip." Will Rogers
I agree f2f meetings would be the best thing you can do for yourself. I know you are aware boundaries are for you to protect you. This program allows us to start over everyday. You can start over again tomorrow, that's the beauty of Al-Anon.
Debbie do what is right for you, Take care of you. Do the next right thing for you what ever that might entail. Physical, mental, or verbal abuse regardless of the situation are unacceptable. The disease is in control and you are dealing with the disease not the son you love.
The program and your f2f meeting will take you in the right direction and help you make the choices, set boundaries, and show you how to take care of yourself first. Your health and well being should come first. It's a hard fight for anyone especially a Mother to take the focus off their child and and put it where it needs to be....on you.
HP can and will take care of your son....he is walking by your side waiting for the opportunity.
HUGS, RLC
-- Edited by RLC on Thursday 26th of August 2010 09:43:51 PM
Some side experience? I use to work in an alternatives to violence program as a male case manager and use to work with the guys on abusive language being the same as verbal threats so if they lost control and resorted to abusive language pack for a night or longer stay in jail cause if the cops showed up the person they were abusing did the right thing. Amazing how well that one worked. Its justified...takes courage but is justified. In support ((((hugs))))
I had the tv plan reduced because he has only paid about half of his monthly rent for the last 2 months and now the bills are stacking up and since they are in my or my husband's name, I have to pay them. Seeing the direction he was taking with this new job of only a week, I have learned to read the writing on the wall. This job will be over soon if no already. I have told him that the agreement was for him to pay weekly rent that would cover everything and since he is not able to cover that rent, he must look for someplace else to live. He tells me that I have to take him to court (which costs another $75 I don't have) and that they will give him 90 days to move. Hence, I will be responsible for 90 days worth of utility bills. I just want my life back. His addiction is robbing me of my golden years with my grandkids and I plan to take control and regain my sanity. I am just not sure how and where to start. Thanks for the support. It is nice to just be able to vent.
He is verbally abusing you, not keeping a job, drinking, and you are paying his bills? How on earth is he going to understand that his life is his responsibility if you continue to bail him out?
I am lucky. I am "Mom" two three grown children, none of whom have ever spoken an unkind word to me. They are successful and responsible, and for that I am more thankful than I can put into words. But I can say without hesitation, I would not enable an addicted child. If your son never sees the bottom of the barrel, it is likely he will never climb out of it.
Best wishes to you,
Diva
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"Speak your truth quietly and clearly..." Desiderata
Wow I can totally relate to this, I have a 45 year old son living with me who recently fell off the wagon and is verbally and mentally abusing me. He was in the process of getting a job, but a background check ruined his chances. I've tried to set boundaries but when he's drinking he is out of control he won't follow them. It's so easy for everyone to say don't enable them and kick them out. In the past our experiences with the police have just made the situation worse. If we ask him to leave he won't and if we threaten to call the police he goes bullistic and starts looking for weapons to use against them and I can see this turning into a suicide by cop situation which I could not live with. I'm terrified and I just don't know what to do.
Hi Chatgail Welcome --.Alcoholism is a dreadful progressive disease over which we are powerless.
As you can read from the previous responses going back to 2010-- the answers are still the same. Face to face alanon meetings will help you to learn new tools to live by and provide the support you need at this difficult time. The hot line number is in the white pages If you are in danger calling 911 is a good option .
