The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
Has someone ever said something to you that took a long time for you to fully understand? This recently happened to me, it was an epiphany.As many of you know my 1st husband died 4 1/2 years ago of an alcohol induced condition. He died sober and happy. At some point he had said to me "I'm
a perfectly terrific guy, as long as you don't expect much." I thought it was funny when he said it and didnt give it much thought, but I never forgot it. Sometimes months would go by and it didn't enter my thoughts, but every once in a while it did and I would laugh about it again. Then it would hide again. Skip forward to now. My 2nd husband of 3 years has moved out, gotten an apartment and is divorcing me. This quote popped up in my head the other day.......and I realized that it was applicable.....again. I have always expected people to fulfill their promises, obligations to do what they say their going to do. I expect good service, products to work, clothes to be the size they say they are.... the list goes on. What I realized was that if I have absolutely NO expectations of anyone or anything, I wont be disappointed and might even be pleasantly surprised. But this also made me quite sad. I feel like everything I was ever taught about honor and duty is just a lie. It seems that society has come to accept junk products, junk bonds and junk promises. It has become ok to walk out on your kids. To shirk your duty and ignore your vows. I can only pray that one day I can get past this. The only one I can expect anything from is myself and my HP, and the only thing I can expect from my HP is for him to listen to my prayers. I think that is this is the saddest lesson I have ever learned. Do I actually have to teach this to my kids? That the world is cruel, to never trust and under no circumstance ever, ever expect anything.......even from the ones we love the most.
Someone once said in a meeting I attended , "Expectations are premeditated resentments".
One I expect certain behaviors from my "A" I have already set him up to fail. He can not meet my expectations because they are not his, they are mine. There are a few that I won'd back down on, for example if he wants to be with me I expect him to stay faithful- that is a deal breaker for me, and I have shared this with him.
I do have expectations when I pay for soemthing or go out to eat. ANd if my expectations are not met, I return the item or I don't tip the server. And then let it go because it is beyond my control. And if I sit and stew on it, then I have given away my serenity to something not even worth my serenity.
Keep leaning on your HP, keep going to meetings, and keep sharing your feelings.
Much Love!
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"Today's problems can not be solved if we still think the way we did when we created them" -Albert Einstein
Thank you for that thought inspiring post. In the grand scheme of things in life we are taught to expect more bang for the buck so to speak. I work in the customer service field and find that in order to break the cycle of my expecations I will simply treat people as I would like to be treated (aka - the golden rule). However, if I am not treated the way I would like to be treated I don't have to take it personally. Without knowing the circumstances of the person I am dealing with it is unfair of me to make a judgement. And who knows if even in spite of this persons attitude treat them with respect - it might change their attitude around. I try to live simply and remember that expectations for me are premeditated resentments. Resentments poison my mind. I want to have a mind that is free and clear to accept HP's messages.
As to what to teach your children - teach them wisely by example. By gaining perspective over our perceptions of situations and people we can learn not to expect them to be anything but what they are - Gods children.
Karen
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Nobody cares how much you know until they know how much you care. Love you all!
Karen
I too have thought exactly what you're talking about, that you give your all to someone that you promise to be faithful to, only to find that they weren't faithful (or honest, or sincere, or whatever) like they promised to be. I'm dealing with that right now, and it was SOOO hard to digest, that someone who committed to being there for you no matter what could betray you.
I don't want my daughter, who is 17, to have to find out that people are like that, but with the way her dad has treated her (pretty much having nothing to do with her because of his new wife and their new daughter), she is learning that all too quickly. That saddens me the most, that he is treating her like she doesn't matter any more. So, I'm trying to let her know that I will always be available for her, no matter what happens, til I am no longer around.
I guess I'm just saying that I've been where you are, in a way, and that I will always be guarded about trusting people. Hopefully, my HP will help me to feel satisfied with His eternal love for me, and that is all that really matters.
I just had to respond to this! I understand exactly what you mean. I am "a man of my word" - I know it's crazy to say as a girl, but I have always taken my responsibilities ultra seriously. I am not late for appointments, if I say I will call, I do! I follow through. I only commit, if I fully intend to honor my word.
It is true, workmanship isn't what it used to be, products seem to be designed to fail or expire like clockwork.
Finding out my step-dad cheatted for 15 years, was crushing blow - to learn he was not worth my idealisation of him, as he has no honor or moral fiber... but it has shown me, that maybe I am a rare person, because my word is golden. I do not lie & I mean what I say. I am, the image of my mother as she has bestowed these gifts on me. I know that not only can I count on her but I can count on myself too.
I have no siblings, she's my family & I am proud to be 'the apple of her tree'.
What you wrote made me think, yeah I feel that same way, as a consumer I do expect things & as "an innocent" soul, I do expect promises from others, to be upheld. If someone broke a vow to me, I simply wouldn't trust them anymore or expect them to ever follow through on anything ever again... but it doesn't mean that no one out there is like us -- it just means we are rare indeed!
I do expect things but I would never expect something that I couldn't do in return.
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Light, Love, Peace, Blessings & Healing to Us All. God's Will Be Done. Amen.
