The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
Thanks for your reply to my post below on Taking responsibility for our behavior. I can understand and appreciate your viewpoint - and what I wanted to do was just reply and say that I was not saying my A is not responsible for his part. Just as I am responsible for how I act, I also hold him to that same responsibility for himself, as I do my children and anyone else walking this planet. Yes, his actions did contribute to how I was. Back then (before I'd learned of alanon) I wasn't really aware (or had forgotten??) that I could actually choose for myself how I felt and thought. I lost my own control, my own power over myself. Then I began coming to these rooms and ftf, and I rediscovered myself. I learned boundaries (a big part of not accepting unacceptable behavior) and I began applying them. The difference to me, is that prior to Alanon I just reacted to him which only worsened everything - with Alanon I act instead of reacting and things have improved. When I stopped blaming him for everything and started looking at myself and what (if anything) I could change...that is when things improved. I take responsibility for the part I play in this marriage, I try and keep my side of the street clean. This has tremendously improved our relationship and the whole household situation. I don't allow unacceptable behavior from myself or from him anymore. To his credit, he is taking responsibility for himself also. He still drinks...not as much...but he still does. People can change if they want to and keep working on it every day. Even if he weren't trying though, that is no excuse for me not to look at myself and how I am. I still need to take responsibility for myself....and that was my main point. Thanks so much for giving me the opportunity to elaborate further on this!!
With much program love,
Kis
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Let your light shine in the darkness. "I can't just bring my mind to meetings...I must also bring my heart."
Hi Kis and thanks for this post. I know I sometimes come across as a bit too intense. It is my way of making a point. I do so with great caring and concern, and I want you to remember that. While others may tell you they are sorry and that AlAnon offers no advice, I see it in a different way. Anyone who posts here is at least some of the time calling out for help. Slogans are okay but they do not give us the strength that we often need to see things from a different perspective. It is good that Al Anon has been so beneficial to your well-being. For me, AlAnon has been a wake-up to the fact that I CAN set boundaries and that I do NOT have to mope around and feel sorry for myself.
But one time I attended an AlAnon meeting and a new person was sharing. Her story was very sad, and she ended with telling us that she had considered suicide. Now here is a huge red flag. Anyone who talks of suicide must be taken seriously. The person running the meeting replied, "Thanks for sharing. Who would like to be next?" I was appalled. "Wait a minute," exclaimed I. "Surely you are not going to ignore this obvious cry for help!" "We don't give advice. We just listen." Well, I knew right then and there either something was wrong with the program or something was wrong with the person holding the meeting. Since that day, I have listened, advised, cried with, and held dear to my heart anyone who is hurting, afraid, confused, resentful, angry in dealing with addiction. To do less would be unforgiveable.
I do wish yoou the best, and I send you great love and caring, Diva
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"Speak your truth quietly and clearly..." Desiderata
Diva, I think I like you...no, I know I like you! *big grin* Totally agree with helping those who are crying out for help. (Your share about that situation at the meeting makes me go Yikes! I was fortunate with my first ftf, they were very caring and would address pain like that.) I've seen quite a few dealing with domestic violence come into our room, some talking about suicide. One of the first things I do is start googling for shelter numbers where they can call and talk to professionals who deal with that every day, I also put the suicide hotline number up in the room, and encourage them to call if needed and to also talk with us as much as needed. I can so remember the days when I thought there was no one I could talk to...all I needed was an understanding listening ear. I found many of those here. I'm glad you are passionate about helping and caring, many are afraid to speak up. I'm sure some of your posts were probably ones that helped me when I was newer to the program. By reading and listening to all the different viewpoints and ways that everyone works their own program, I was given a broader understanding of how I could apply it also. And yes, just reading a slogan didn't help me much at first...I had to gain an understanding of what it meant (same with the steps and traditions). I love this forum because we can really talk things out as much as we need to and get input from so many. I'm always willing to listen and learn. Doesn't matter so much how we work it, just that we are learning from it, right? Sure am enjoying chatting with you! Thanks!
Love and hugs, Kis
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Let your light shine in the darkness. "I can't just bring my mind to meetings...I must also bring my heart."
I definetely agree whole heartedly with you both & when I'm in the chat room, I take everyone very seriously. By the grace of God I was spared from 2 suicide attempts & my chronic depression has miraculously lifted! I am grateful to know you both are so willing to reach out. I do it too because I have been there!
Kis, your picture & your footer always give me a big chuckle, thanks.
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Light, Love, Peace, Blessings & Healing to Us All. God's Will Be Done. Amen.
