The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
I think there is seriously something wrong with me. I am 36 years old and last month I tried to go out with someone who is 23. I met him last summer and again I saw him at the grocery store last month and gave him my phone number.. I didn't know he was that young. But anyway, I am in the midst of trying to leave my husband and I am talking on the phone with this guy a couple of times when we decide to go to the river to swim. Well it turns out I can't go and i tell him to meet me at the pool where we both used to live, where we met last summer, and where my friend still lives. Well he never shows up and as I am leaving I see him with his ex holding hands with her. Needless to say, he doesn't call me again. i have been living with this inside of me and i can't stand it anymore. What the hell is wrong with me anyway? Since then I have been obsessing about it. Obviously he's a liar for one thing, he's way too young, we're both involved etc. What am i doing? I guess I am sooooo lonely. And I feel fat and ugly (not really true) and how could someone act like that to me and feel like I am the one that is not worthy of love? Gosh, I am more messed up than I ever imagined and it hurts to be on the other end of rejection, if that's what it is. I think I hate myself.
Your not messed up...you are looking for some comfort, I am learning though that comfort can be given to myself. I have thought many times over the years about my own worthiness of being loved, just touched, hugged. My A gets what I call "untouchable" it makes me so very lonely. I posted earlier today, that he probably will move out. We have been like roommates that fight for such a long time. It is a natural need to want to be loved....I found something on the web, can't remember what web site but it said....
If someone loves you, it should feel like they love you.
I can't stop thinking of how un-loved I feel and have felt. So just take care of you, I think when I am really taking care of myself in the future, I will know what love feels like. Don't hate yourself for wanting to be wanted. My A has a way about him, then I feel horrible. Have to work on not reacting.
Yes we all want intimacy. It hurt to see u write that "I think I hate myself". You are being too hard on yourself & you deserve to be loved. I am 37. Last year, I had a b'f living with me & he was a dead weight. He also had sexual issues that he nvr wanted to talk about - he tried to blame me for not being sexy enough. Right before my 36th birthday, I kicked him out. I spent the year alone, not having sex & not dating. I guess I had a glow about me with my new attitude of "not taking it" anymore, I noticed teenagers checking me out! And even though I am not super thin like I used to be, I was feeling bad about myself for having this extra weight on me (& still do) I noticed that even more men were checking me out. I was just enjoying the attention.
I talked on line to people I met on the Yahoo personals & would pick a chat room to go into to blow off steam. I have actually made some contacts there & talk to buddies on line daily.
There is nothing wrong with younger men & it is far better to learn that the guy is a liar before you have anything to do with him. Men have hurt me so much in the past, I am trying to develop a friendship before I have any sex again. I tend to be a serial monogomist & I fall in love very fast. I'm trying to protect myself a little bit; not look at men like they are a perfect human or that I ought to even blindly believe anything/everything they say. But there is nothing wrong with wanting some fun or excitement ~ be true to yourself.
I try not to have expectations, that way I can't get hurt. I realize just 'cause someone loves me, they might love someone else too. I just take it for what it is. I am sure you are very lovable, love yourself first (that's what friends always tell me, if u don't love yourself u can't expect anyone else too).
Now I simply look at men like candy. Maybe one of these days, I'll decide to go on a date again.
take care
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Light, Love, Peace, Blessings & Healing to Us All. God's Will Be Done. Amen.
I also hated to see you say you think you hate yourself.
Dont be so hard on yourself. Just realize you ALMOSt made a msitake to trust this younger fella. Glad you saw him for what he was before you got involved.
We all want to feel wanted and needed. We all want to feel desired and attractive. Could it be the younger fella made you feel that way and it's been a while since your husband did? This is NORMAL to want to feel attractive. You jsut picked the wrong dude to give your number to. I'd be happy i saw his true colors in time before he trampled onmy heart.
All of the feelings that you are describing are natural, to be lonely, like attention, etc.
Don't beat yourself for FEELING these things, what you need to do is try to control those feelings. Kind of like it is natural to get angry sometimes, and you may feel like hitting someone, but you DON'T, you learn to control those urges. It is the same with physical attraction, you may feel it, but you might want to learn not to act on it until you are out of your marriage.
Think about the fact that you have little ones and you need to be VERY careful about relationships. You don't want to find someone who may be around them who may not be a good guy.
Last year when my husband and I were separated, old boyfriends came out of the woodwork! Really, I was shocked. My husband told me I was a big fat blob and other not so nice things, tried to make me think that no one would want me. One of them was my very first boyfriend from high school that I had once loved very much, you never forget your first love they say...
well, anyway, he found me on our high school reunion website and it turned out he lives about 5 miles away, not far at all. We had started out as friends in high school, best friends, so I trusted him. I confided in him about my marriage problems and about being separated (already BIG MISTAKE)...he works in the legal field and offered to help me with stuff ( I should have seen this coming).
Well, he did nto do that much, really just sent me some docs from the state bar association and such through my email address, AND did some necessary spying on my husband for me (which turned up some VERY useful info for my lawyer), but this guy turned out to be the biggest creep in the universe. He wanted me to "pay him back" for his help by having an affair with him, worst I found out that he was STILL MARRIED and lied about being divorced.
By that time my husband and I had reconciled and since this guy was so bitter and angryabout helping me I told my husband about it and he offered to pay this guy for his services, to send me the docs(Although I did not tell my husband he had helped me spy on him). I had never lied to him, I told him the WHOLE time I loved my husband very much and hoped taht we could reconcile. In fact I was crying for my husband about 75% of the times I talked to him! This creep would not accept payment, he threatened to lie and tell my husband that we had had an affair hoping that my husband would then not want me back and would divorce me and we could be together.
I ended up having to tell my husband the whole sordid story, from beginning to end, including how he was blackmailing me trying to force me to have a relationship with him. Only someone who lies to others can be blackmailed. I was not proud to have made such stupid choices, but I had not done anything wrong really. This guy started stalking me and blackmailing me over the phone, threatening to go to my husband AND daughter, AND Mom and tell them we were "together" so my husband may as well just leave. I tried to ignore him. Finally, he started harrassing me in front of my husband and he was having NONE of that. My husband and I had to go to the police...what a nightmare!
I know you think you and your husband won't get back together, but you never know. When you separate, he may go into treatment and get better and you may want to reconsider for your children's sake. Try to save any new relationships for when you are divorced and all hope is lost.
Imagine how embarrassing it was for me to have to expalin my foolishness to my husband, Mom, and DAUGHTER...I wanted the earth to open up and swallow me. And all of this from someone who had once been a good and trusted friend, a friend I had known and loved for 25 years. Not a stranger...
Just goes to show you how much people can change...
I started just trying to keep busy, going back to work helped a lot for me. Maybe it will be easier for you when you go back to work or school as you had planned. Megan is right, that will help a LOT.
Take care of yourself in other ways, ways that won't come back to bite you later.
thanks for all of your responses. All of u made sense and helped me to see that I am "normal" in feeling this way. I really think that when I am busier I will be happier as some of u said. I won't have sooooo much time to think. And I also need to work on being happy with myself before I even try a relationship b/c I will most likely end up with another hurtful person if I don't respect myself. I want everything NOW ,another character defect, I guess cuz I feel like I have wasted so much time on him and now I am not the young chicky I used to be. But I know I have so many issues to deal with before I even think about a guy. I foolishly thought that I could have a fling when I know myself and I always get myself into something serious for some reason. I really thank u guys for ur support.
And even though I am not super thin like I used to be, I was feeling bad about myself for having this extra weight on me (& still do) I noticed that even more men were checking me out. I was just enjoying the attention.