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Miracles In Progress 12 Step Recovery Forums -> Al-Anon Family Group -> Al-Anon Family Group -> This is the worst it has ever been...
Post Info TOPIC: This is the worst it has ever been...
marmare


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This is the worst it has ever been...
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Good Morning...


This is the worst it has ever been.  I went home last night, my A was bar-b-queing.....he said I looked great in my shorts, kind of hugged me and kissed the top of my head....we ate dinner, I didn't say too much.  Still reeling somewhat from the last two weeks.  I don't want to fight or argue just want some peace.  He went to bed and as I was getting ready for bed he said that our marriage is over, that I "make" him feel guilty for bringing beer into the house.  That he loves me but is not in love with me.  I told him that there have been plenty of times that I have not been "in love" with him.  I asked him, are you sure the marriage is over, he couldn't even look me in the eye.  He said he thinks so.....but couldn't even commit to that statement.  Everything that came out of his mouth was so hurtful.  I finally decided that I needed to get away for a bit, called a girlfriend and went there until I knew he was asleep.  I think the thing that bothers me the most is that he blames my counseling that was court ordered on us having problems.  I told him that he would no longer make me feel that I am beneath him, that he no longer will bully me into agreeing with him  when I don't agree.  The blame is hard to listen too, I do think he believes that his world falling apart is somehow my fault.


This morning my brain got real busy with the "what if" game, I interrupted those thoughts again with "let go and let God"....seemed to settle me down.  If he has to hit rock bottom, then so be it.  Whether he is with me or not is not even an issue anymore.  This would not be the first time I would have to make it on my own.  I have had worst times.  I do wish sometimes that my A would realize how he hurting so many people in the process of protecting his right to use.  Maybe some day. 


I didn't get the sleep I needed, this is something I will have to work on.  Sleep is important to stay healthy.  I am continuing to eat healthy and do my 15 minutes of exercise in the morning.  I may have to get a second job, but I will worry about that as he drives away with his stuff. 


Hugs Mary


 



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Mary
cdb


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Hello mamare,


This is the time to stay strong! The feelings that the alcoholic throw at us  can keep us in their drama and chaos. The serenity prayer sure can help alot to fill our mind with that. Lately, I tell myself if he divorces me, well maybe that may not be so bad afterall. Of course I do not want this to happen, but telling me this in my mind seems to help me. Going to your friends house was a great idea to take care of you. :) This sure is a one day or one moment at a time survival program. Keep on posting and do what you can to take care of you. your friend in recovery, cdb :)



-- Edited by cdb at 13:02, 2005-07-28

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megan


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HI Mary


That was smart to go to your friends house.


good job of taking care of you.


You sound sad but strong (((Mary))) - hugs.


Good job with the eating healthy and exercising, I am on the same program and it is good for the mind and body.


Things will get better.


I left my husband 10 weeks ago because he drinks 24/7 and does not work and drove me to hell.


I am on the road back


megan

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Megan If you want things you never had you need to do things you have never done
abbyal


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Hello maremar, remember this is a progressive disease, and it only gets worse before it gets better.  As you are changing the alcoholic feels threatened , he is loosing control of you and he knows it.  There is nothing worse than when one person in the house is getting well and it ain't him.  His threat of divorce is probably to try and regain control , try not to worry too much and just ignore the threats, he may or may not carry them out.


The A has to blame others for the state of thier life , if they didn't they would have to take a look at thier own behavior and at the m oment he can't do that. So its just easier to blame / You don't say if u are going to Al-Anon meetings f2f hopefully you  are, u need support from people who have been where your at.   If you don't have any literature ,here iis my email address I have  a excerpt from our ODAT that may help to explain what our part is in this mess and how your changing is affecting him.  it helped me alot when I first arrived here along time ago.  abbyal2003@yahoo.ca


good luck hang in there    Louise



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dogscribe


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I'm sorry you have to go through this. I get blamed too and 2 nights ago I was told that I was his own personal hell.

Hugs to you - stay strong.

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dove


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Marmare:


You are so insightful. By putting your own needs first you are keeping your priorities straight.  You cannot help others unless you help yourself first.


It is very difficult to think clearly when it seems everything is crumbling around you., but you are perservering admirably.


Bless you for your strength in your posting and in your postings to others.


Thank you.


-- dove


 


 


 



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hurtinginindy


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So many of us have been in your same place, had similar accusations made by our A...


Listen to Louise (earlier post)...she knows what she's talking about...but you probably recognize that, too.


Venting helps...knowing you can come here to get it out helps.


God never gives us more than we can handle.  Be strong.



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Take what you can use and leave the rest...seeking tranquilityand offering what comfort I can...Claire
nmike


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Mary,


It gave me chills to read your post. It must be an A thing to blame everything on the spouse. My husband gave me a present for my birthday last year and then 2 weeks later said that he was leaving the marriage. How convenient that we are there to be blamed for their unhappiness.


Keep exercising and taking care of yourself. That has been my sanity. It is about the disease and not you.


In support,


Nancy



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twinmom2


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Hi there, I'm new to this group.  I saw your post and felt compelled to reply.  I am experiencing a great deal of what you are experiencing.  I'm blamed for not being supportive and not lighting up about the drinking and drug use.  Meanwhile, he has no other place to go.  I feel trapped a great deal of the time.  I'm a mother of twin two year olds and it is extremely expensive to raise them and pay for all the debt that has been accumulated in the last three years.


You sound like you have a healthy attitude about what's happening in your life.  I've been through hard times as well, and would probably need a second job.  The fear for me is can I make it on my own with out killing myself with work, or pawning my kids off on others to make the bills.  My anger is insanely crazy right now.  It has been difficult for me to calm down and find a peaceful place.  The last three years has destroyed my self esteem, my friendships, and maxed out my financial status so bad. 


One day at a time right!  You sound like a survivor, I'll live and God will prevail justice and victory in my life and yours.  Thanks for the encouragement and hang in there.


 



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"The people who don't mind matter and the people who mind, don't matter". (Dr. Seuss)
kathy570


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Dear Marmar


My Prayers are with you.  It is so hard eh.  I know my A says I make him feel guilty for drinking in his own home, a home that he pays for.  The point is - no on can MAKE anyone feel anything.  That is their own guilt coming out.  Please read my reply to Mom to 2 from today.  I am also a recvoering A and tried to give her some insight as to our warped sense of thinking.


((((((((((((((((   Marmar)))))))))))))))


God Bless you & your family


Yours in Recovery


Kathy570



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