The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
My SIL called my mother a 'xxxx' (Screaming it in public.) And just because my mother was not willing to watch her child all day Saturday after watching her over 40 hours that week. She then chased her in the car and rammed the back of her car (just enough to cause a small dent)
My sister in law is not apologetic. In fact she refused to even talk to my mother. As of a few days ago, she was still angry at my MOTHER for "causing" her all that trouble. (She got several tickets)
This on top of her neglect of the kids.
And my brother is saying "Oh but she is improving!" Yeah! ANYTHING is an improvement over last weekends behavior! For the 6 years she has lived there, it has always been one step forward, two steps back.
I don't know what her sobriety status is. She isnt getting plastered with alcohol but we have no idea what she might be doing. Or if this is a Dry Drunk situation.
So my mother and I are trying to decide between some very bad choices. 1 - Withdraw the free babysitting, forcing my brother to make a decision about my SIL's behavior. 2 - Resume taking care of the child because she deserves good care (letting the mother do nothing all summer and treat us like crap) 3 - Call CPS when I see any signs of neglect.
We still in #1 for the time being. And I resent her for the fact that there are no good choices thanks to her.
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I know I am not being very "al-anon-ish" right now and I probably know all the things you are going to tell me but I need to hear it anyway. (I am going to a F2F meeting tomorrow if at all possible.)
Thanks, folks.
-- Edited by canadianguy on Friday 18th of June 2010 09:39:43 AM
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Serenity is not freedom from the storm but peace within the storm.
Hi and thank you for your post. I feel for your situation, when kids are involved it is so much more complicated...Im sure you dont need me to say that your sister in law has certainly shown she is abusive with the way she treated your mom. I too would have concerns about her caring for a child. Your brother is probably so used to inapproprite behavior from her at this point he cant see the forest thru the trees, ugh...It's a tough spot to be in to say the least. I'm glad the child has people that are concerned for her welfare, I find myself thinking always, what about the kids??? You have to do what you think is best for the child. Thank god someone is looking out for her welfare. Prayers your way !!!
I'd vote for #3 CPS. But I may be a bit biased because I'm in a "duty to report" profession, and that's my standard advice whenever a child's wellbeing is jeopardized.
The nice aspect of CPS involvement (if it works the same way it does here) is that, following their assessment, they will impress upon brother how serious the situation is, and start enforcing some consequences for SIL's behaviour.
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Finish each day and be done with it. You have done what you could... Tomorrow is a new day. You shall begin it serenely and with too high a spirit to be encumbered with your old nonsense. - Emerson
In Al-anon we don't give advice. But when you are 100% sure abuse is involved , especially children, always do the next right thing.....with no second thoughts.
CPS is a last ditch possibility but if my brother doesn't follow through withwhat he says, then we might have to go there.
Neglect is difficult to prove unless the child is starving, which she is not. Unless they show up in the evening, they don't see the child sleeping in her own filth. And my brother cleans her up after he gets home from work so the evidence isn't there. And we almost never know about it until the next day.
And emotional neglect isn't enough for CPS to remove the child. Neither is feeding an obese child chicken nuggets and fries every meal.
The child is severly autistic and needs educational training but the mother barely checks on the child enough to see if she has pooped and smeared it everywhere.
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Serenity is not freedom from the storm but peace within the storm.
This ongoing issue has been affecting you for quite some time. I am reminded of the First Step and being powerless and life being unmanageable. The second step request HP to restore us to sanity.
It appears that you are indeed powerless over this situation. I would suggest Meetings, Focusing on yourself, MYOB and Letting GO and Letting God.
We had a wonderful talk with my brother this morning. He is standing by our side, wanting to push her to take care of her own child. She is being given the chance to live up to all her good talk, or not. No one to rescue her! He had a blunt talk with her and says he will set up a counceling session for even more blunt conversations later. Now, to see if he follows through. He doesn't have a good history when it comes to following through on his consequences. So if nothing really changes, we might resort to calling CPS.
I already called CPS to tell them about the incident last weekend when the kid was in the car.
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Serenity is not freedom from the storm but peace within the storm.
Aloha Kit...Thanks to the Al-Anon Program I long got over trying to figure out what kind of behavior it was or what motivated it. If It was life threatening I went into survivor mode...whatever was available and then I learned more about detachment and why I had problems with it from inside the meetings. The program asks me "What is my part in it" (my problem...the problem) and it is the answer to this question that I need to know most of all. I can always look outside of myself and point fingers at those others involved however the most important three pointing back at me need to be addressed. "Why do I keep doing the same thing over and over again expecting different results?" "Why do I do what I do and do it the way that I do it?" Wake up questions from an early sponsor. Take what you like...leave the rest.
Remember that most alcoholics do not recover. That is statistically the truth. What I sort of read you saying is "How do we force her to recover?" But the odds are that she will never recover. If you had a crystal ball and could see the future and know that she was not going to recover, what actions could you take to protect the child? It might be the point to think that through. As they say, "Hope for the best and prepare for the worst." You have been hoping for her recovery for some time now, but the progress of alcoholics and addicts (if they make progress) is always on their time line and not ours. Meanwhile what about the child? So I wonder if that might be something to think through.
If I am trying to force anyone, it is my brother. We are forcing my SIL to take charge of her child. Of course, we can not force her to live up to her responsibility. I do not expect her to recover. In watching her this last 6 years, I don't think she is capable of being honest with herself and doing much of anything that doesn't give herself immediate release or pleasure. So she seems to have gotten off alcohol and now on to "light" drugs. Soon, I suspect she will be addicted to prescription drugs.
But I have more hope that my brother will face the reality if we don't always rescue the family from that reality.
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Serenity is not freedom from the storm but peace within the storm.
I think that step 1 is the right thing for you and your Mom right now. It sounds as though your brother is trying but making excuses means he has a little way to go yet. Without the support of you and your Mom he may reevaluate. By all means, if for any reason, you feel her child is threatened than go immediately to step 3.
