The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
(My mother is not computer saavy so I am posting this for her & will give her the results)
My SIL got mad at my mother in the parking lot of McDonalds, yelling obsenities. Then when my mother quietly drove away, my SIL got into the car and followed her, bumping her car on purpose when my mother stopped at a red light. She continued to follow her around, riding her bumper the whole time. My mom was getting scared so she drove right into the parking lot of the police department and stopped. Well, my SIL drove right in, got out of the car and proceeded to yell at my mom through the window, using exceptionally foul language. A cop drove up and got my SIL to step away from the car and talked with both. They gave my SIL a ticket for some things like public disruption or something like that but they told my mother she could press charges for the 'collision" even though there was no damage other than a tiny dent. And she could also press charges for the verbal assault.
So how does she decide whether to press charges or not? What principles would she apply? What questions should she ask herself to help her decide?
- Again. I am not trying to make her decision or ask anyone to make this decision for her. But she is to shy to go to meetings and would really appreciate some input to help her decide.
Thanks.
-- Edited by smartkat on Sunday 6th of June 2010 01:35:18 AM
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Serenity is not freedom from the storm but peace within the storm.
Until addicts are held accountable for their actions nothing will change. I always told my A that if was ever arrested I would bring his meds to the jail, but it was up to him to solve the rest. Thank goodness he never landed in jail. However, he forgot to pay the car insurance and since I don't drive I didn't pay for it. So he had to figure out how to get his booze. I know what I would do in your mother's case, but I am not living your life. Whatever decisions you make we will always be here for you. Much love and blessings to you and your family.
Live strong, Karilynn & Pipers Kitty
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It's your life. Take no prisoners. You will have it your way.
If you could go ahead and tell me what you would do, and most importantly WHY, I would be very grateful! I am mostly interested in your decision process. I will NOT be coming to mom saying "they say you should do this." Instead, I will use your reasoning as a starting point for discussions in what to do. Naturally, you know only part of the situation. It would take pages to tell the whole story here.
I struggle to not tell mom what she should do. I even caught myself using the phrase "you should" and stopped and told mom that I don't really mean that, but that I am meaning to through ideas out there and that she needs to decide for herself.
She is also going to find out the "statute of limitations" so mom knows how much time she has to decide whether or not to press charges. She was thinking she had to decide tomorrow, because she does have to go to the police to give them some form tomorrow.
(I like your cat. Whats his or her name?)
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Serenity is not freedom from the storm but peace within the storm.
Mom is still cautious about "bringing in the outside world." It was unusual for her to not back down to prevent a scene at McDonalds and to not sugar coat what happened when the cops asked. But she had to get very mad for her to do that. I don't know how firm mom will be when she calms down.
But I am sick of keeping up appearances! I won't go out of my way to let people she knows know her other side. But I will no longer try to mask it. My SIL has done a good job of convincing people she is a good mother. But the truth is she hardly wants to have anything to do with her kids. I honestly think she will be a much better mother when she is an every-other-weekend parent. I suspect she would set aside time to actually act like a mom with the kids - not the special needs child. The most she would do there is to show up at a special olympics event and take her to McDonalds. But the other two might actually get some attention if every other weekend there is time set aside. Currently she yells at the kids in the most ugly tone if they disturb her while she is on the computer. Anyway - that was just a bit of venting.
-- Edited by smartkat on Sunday 6th of June 2010 11:13:29 PM
__________________
Serenity is not freedom from the storm but peace within the storm.
The sign of your mom getting angry and standing up for herself made me smile. I too am a hold it in person and it has taken alot of abuse and alot of work to start to come out from under that shell. Congrats on taking that little first step.
A few years ago i would have avoided conflict that pressing charges would have started. Now I react a little different by thinking about all sides of the situation rather than avoiding it.
If I imagine myself in situations with my xAh now, here is where my thought process would start. In fact these are the questions I asked myself when deciding to have no further contact with my xAh and he tried to continue from prison, and will probably be roughly the same questions I will ask myself when he is released and I start the whole no contact process all over again ...
Do I believe it is acceptable to be treated in this way? Does this person have a right to confront me in this way? Do I want this situation to happen again? What can I do to stop it from happening or continue it happening? Would outside involvement be in my best interests? Do I need documentation of particular incidents for future reference in case of progressive deteriation? Am I making the best decision for myself? Is my decision based on fear, love or detachment? Does my decision bring me relief and feel like it is the best next step?
If any of that helps in your mom's contemplation and decision making process take it if not leave it I hope your situation improves and you both find serenity within.
I hope your situation improves and you both find serenity within.