Hi Gail,

I am sorry to hear about how much pain you are in.

I am sorry to say that your sons may be right, they are grown and on their own with their own families and responsibilities...it is time to let go.

My Mom is a lot like you and it does not feel like "love" to me, it is very intrusive and uncomfortable.  She constantly nags me about my weight, it is hard to take advice about controlling addictions from someone in the throes of their own addiction.  My Mom is not overweight, but she has other problems.  Her apartment is a mess, you can hardly walk in it, yet she obsesses about mine.  She says she wants to "help" me clean, but won't help herself.  This type of behavior never goes unnoticed.

I am not any immature kid, but a  42 year old married adult living on my own with a grown daughter of my own.

I tell my Mom what your sons tell you, that she needs to "get a life" so she stops obessing about mine and what is "wrong" with me when she has a basekt full of problems of her own.  She obsesses about mine so she can avoid her own.  Her justification for all of this is that she is just a "loving mother".  SIGH!  As I said, it does not feel like love, someone disresepcting your privacy, disrespecting you, treating you like kid when you are a full fledged responsible adult, people prying into your personal affairs so they can criticize...none of this feels like love...

I think when someone loves you you should be able to feel it.

Before my Dad died, he know how to love an adult child.  He knew I had a lot of problems and told me that if I came to him he would help how he could but NEVER pried or got into my buisness.  I loved to go and visit him (my parents were divorced, their different parenting styles was the biggest reason for this) as it was a respite from the problems.  I could go and visit him and I felt  so loved to talk to him about life, his youth, my feelings etc, without being judged, examined, dissected and found fault with.  He would talk to me like a friend, finally now that I was an adult he talked to me about how it felt to get married, have kids, his hopes and dreams, etc.  I felt like I had just won the lottery to have my Dad talk to me as an  equal almost, as a PERSON, not just a silly kid. 

My Mom just can't comprehend this.  She thinks being a loving Mom is trying to force me to feel like a stupid kid forever, who NEEDS her to straighten me out...that is not love...but dysfunction. 

I know her actions are motivated by love, so I try to be patient, but I long for what I had with my Dad with her...

I am not judging you, I just thought you would like to hear what it is like from the "other side". 

Isabela

Hello Gail,

I am so sorry to hear about your son's alcoholism. My 21 daugher is an alcoholic/drug addict and fighting recovery now. I too am an overeater. It sure helps calm and comfort me but is not good for my health. I was such a mother and so mothering that it was actually smothering to my kids. It helps us to learn to live our own life and focus on us since we have no control over them and we are powerless over alcoholism. Going to face to face meetings and coming here will help restore your life and help you to learn new ways to handle situations. I hope you find an alanon group and come back here for support. Again, so sorry to hear about your two sons. (((((((((gail)))))))))) hugs   cdb

 In my mind I know that I have no control, but I think that if I keep reminding them what can happen with their lives if they continue to drink, then they will think about it more and maybe get some help.

Gailey,

When I read this I had to LOL!!!  My Mom could have written this, word for word.

Intelligent adults don't need "reminders", they know how to manage their own lives and make their OWN choices about priororities.

Adult chidlren on their own with their own families   normally find it insulting to have a parent try to dictate priorities to them.  It is not "reminding" but nagging pure and simple.  I tell my Mom "your "reminders" are really nags and you can tell me the sky is purprle all you want, I still know it is BLUE", LOL...she does not think it is so funny though...

I know you love your sons, just like I know my Mom loves me.  It makes me  sad that she will not let us have a real emotional intimacy, I feel like running every time I see her, unless their is a crisis like when my Dad died.  That is the only time she treats me like a person and she is WONDERFU, but when it comes to day to day life, I truly feel like running when I see her, I know I am about to be barraged with "concern" about all that is wrong with me and how messed up my life is and how I need her to straighten me out...does not feel very good. 

Do you know how insulting it is to be talked to like a kid and treated like a kid and nagged like a kid in front of my teenage daughter?  No one did that to my Mom.  She moved to another country to get away from HER Mom.

It is really sad, my Mom is an inspirationa person, HIGHLY educated (she has three science degrees, one in chemistry, one in biology, and one in pharmacology, she was a RESEARCH SCIENTIST) and you would never know...all she does is nag, she refuses to have any intelligent conversations with me.  My daughter could learn SO much from her, yet all she learns from her is to try and stay away, or else she will get an earful of everything that is WRONG with her and how she could do things better...that is not love...yet my Mom thinks she is the most loving, devoted, nurturing grandmother in the entire world.

I think that is the worst thing. Here I am trying SO hard to be an inspirational parent, one who inspires obedience from my daughter by my good example (she is 20 now).  And here my Mom is trying to topple me, trying to put me down, to give me the message "you don't know what you are doing, you are an idiot who needs me to straighten you out".  NOT very cool for your children to see you treated that way.  Children are disrespectful enough without getting examples on how to disrespect their parents.

If all people needed were "reminders" (nags) about health issues, if "reminders" (nags) worked, then just ask your sons to "remind" you that you are fat and what can happen healthwise to fat people (especially older ones) EVERY TIME THEY SEE YOU and you should be model slim in NO TIME.

Think this will work? 

I am sure they too love you very much, such concern and dedication from a Mother is exemplary when children are small and I am sure they bonded with you very strongly. I am sure they are just as concerned about you and your weight problems, they may express concern, but I am sure don't nag you, they know how AWFUL it feels.

Please let go and try to see them as adults so they can enjoy you and see you as an ally in life, rather than an adversary.

You know what else?  I have to fight SO hard my tendency to not react negatively to my mother's nagging.  I hate to think that I am giving her positive reinforcement, I would HATE for her to think that nagging works! WHAT A NIGHTMARE!

I am 42 years old and have a grown daughter of my own and I still fight feelings of rebellion.  Her nagging makes it even HARDER to lose weight and clean my house, I have to fight those feelings so hard to do it because I should.  I just could not stand her smugness, thinking that her nagging worked if I did it to her satisfaction.

So, I really believe that your nagging (concern) is only hindering your son's recovery. 

I don't know your sons, so I may be all wrong, but that is how I feel about my Mom.

I admire you SO much  Gailey!  How intelligent and open minded you are examine yourself and realize that you may need to change!  Perhaps there is hope for my Mom after all...thanks for reminging me of that.

I know that my Mom too is not happy, she is often very frustrated and obsessed with worry.  It makes me  sad, she could be enjoying life so much more if she got over her obsessions.

I will give you an example. 

I don't have diabetes or any serious health problems, but I do have low blood sugar and have to watch how I eat and how often.  It is not serious, I just get headaches and a little shaky, I don't need any medical treatment for this.

I had to take my Mom to the Cleveland Clinic for appointments and tests, it took all day.  I took work to do and sat in the waiting room and watched TV.  I was so engrossed in it that I did not notice people leaving until I was the last person in the room and it was about an hour after the office had closed.  Then I got up and went to the desk to ask about my Mom.  They said she had left two hours ago! I was incredulous, I was her ride, how had she left?  The nurse called the doctor, who had already gone home, and he was really worried and started calling security everywhere, they thought she had fainted, had a heart attack, or maybe a stroke and had been admitted and was unconscious.  I looked also...as soon as I left the doctor's office and made it to the lobby information desk, three policeman approached me and asked if I was her daughter.  It seems that SHE thought that I had "passed out" in the restroom or something (I have NEVER "passed out" ANYWHERE) and I was sick and needed help...?????????  Who was there for appointments for a heart condition?  Who is under no medical care for anything?  SIGH!!!!  My Mom is a real shorty and just could not see over the chairs to see me watching TV.  She is such a nervous and jittery person (from the stress of all of that obsessing) that as soon as she could not see me she panicked and thought that I had  tried to go to the bathroom and passed out from low blood sugar since I had not eaten much (that has NEVER EVER happened in my life, and I ate enough, why she thought this I will never know!).  As soon as she didn't see me at first glance she panicked and did not even think to walk around an look around the waiting room...SIGH...she had the WHOLE Clevelend Clinic police force looking for me...they thought I was retarded or in some kind of diabetic coma and did not know who I was...SIGH

I was just sitting in the waiting room the whole time...if only she would have looked.

That is where a lifetime of obsessive worrying can get you.

My Mom was so shaken up worrying about me and running around like chicken with her head cut off trying to get the policeman all riled up and dropping everything to search for me that SHE was getting sick.  She is 76 years old and rather frail.

Her obsessive worrying has actually warped her thinking.  When the police found me and saw that I was a totally sane and healthy person and heard that I was in the waiting room the whole time (the nurse vouched for me, she had called security too to try and find my MOM) they thought my Mom was nuts...not the image she would like...

I wish my Mom was more like you and open to change.

You just have to go to the next level of relationship with your sons.  Kind of like they did with you. If they have moved out and have their own lives, wives, and children they have moved on as well.  They have not gotten married and moved back in with YOU and ask you to buy them kleenex and underwear and socks anymore...right?  So you need to move on to an adult relationship with them also.

I am glad you are here Gailey, you are a great and loving Mom...I just hope you let your sons (and grandchildren) see it by letting them get to know you as a PERSON like my Dad did (no more nags like they are inferior to you).  It was the greatest gift and most enduring legacy he  gave me...

Love,

Isabela

PS don't nag the grandkids either, LOL, knowing how useless, horrible, and excruciating nagging is I am the total opposite of a nagger, so my Mom's conduct towards my daughter is in such sharp contrast to mine that she recognizes it as nagging right away and does nto like it. 

I tell my Mom that she should let ME handle the parenting, I am pretty good at it,her job is just to enjoy her grandchildren go for walks, bake cookies together, read books.  SIGH...didn't work, how sad for BOTH of them.