The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
Hello all. I am new to this board but not new to the Program. I have been in Alanon for about 8 yrs now and what a lifesaver!
I met my husband at an Alanon/AA banquet in 1998. He was a few yrs sober and was very active in AA. Talk about a wonderful beginning! I had originally joined Alanon due to my ex who was an active alcholic, so meeting someone who was in recovery was great. We walked side by side though in different programs for about 2 yrs.
One by one things started to change. He dropped his second meeting he went to. Then he dropped his home group. Then came dropping his friends and sponsors. He got cranky and crabby-albeit still sober.
He came home in 2002 to tell me that while working out of town he had relapsed. I knew that could be part of recovery and reminded him that it is "progress, not perfection." We would get thru this.
Unfortunately the drinking never stopped. It progressed to drinking out of town while at work to drinking at home. It started as a few drinks at home to being so drunk he couldn't stand up.
All this time I have continued going to meetings and have remained very close to my sponsor and support system.
So here I am 3 yrs later w/a man that knows what he needs to do-and that is the funny thing. He admits he is out of control. He admits what he "should" do. He admits that this is destroying our family. Absolutely NO arguments from his end. He supports me in my Program yet he just isn't ready to do what he knows will work.
I love this man to pieces. I am watching him die a slow death though. His teeth are rotting out of his mouth. His skin has a yellow glow to it. He is blacking out. He has no control over his bodily functions when he is drinking and is urinating in the bed.
Last Monday, after a weekend w/my family where I asked him to stay at home and when he promised me (which I knew better but allowed him to make his choice) to "behave" and, well...we all know how that goes. Anyway, last Monday I confronted him about the week before when I was out of town he had my 14 yr old daughter drive home from the bar (btw, she has a difficult time w/his drinking. ) I told him that this has nothing to do w/not loving him and that I need to take care of me and the kids. When he is sober he can look me up.
He's a good man. I know it. I miss the man that I married. I'm not looking for a replacement-but I know that no matter how much I love him I can't make him sober.
I will not bitch, nag or belittle. He deserves respect and he has a journey that is only his and his HP's to embark on.
I have to take care of me and my 3 children. That is all that I have control over.
Wednesday he called home (he works out of town in construction) and told me that he won't drink at home anymore. He is tired of "missed weekends". I told him that is a step and that is good. It was shortlived. But I knew that.
This will only progress if not addressed. I believe rehab is in order along w/AA and support.
Walking away w/love is tough. It is tough to love someone but have exhausted my efforts. I know, though, that we each have a HP and that no matter where life takes us we will be okay. This may bring us back together, this may split us apart indefinately. I am willing to hand that over to my HP and let him guide me where I am to go.
It is a rollercoaster ride at times though. But even when I get nostalgic, even when we have a moment where we really connect, I know in my heart that I need to let him go. I need to free myself too and hope that we find our way back to each other.
Wow, that's alot like my story except it's only recently that my A's drinking has escalated. I'm trying to get him to leave the house and I filed for divorce. He's gone right now due to a drinking binge but I'm sure he will try to come back. It's hard on everyone--I'm so sorry your husband started drinking again. It's a tough road---sometimes I wish we didn't have children and I could really get away from him for good---that's never gonna happen with the children and they are babies so I have many years to deal with him. We too connect sometimes and I get a little hope that he will be ok--but it's just false hope and he is not going to be ok right now--maybe never.
mom to 2
ps I didn't mean to say that I wish I didn't have the children--they are my life and the only things that keep me sane but I just wish I didn't have to deal with him in regards to the children
Thanks for the awesome shares. My husband relapsed after 3 years sober. It was so sad to watch it all start all over again. He's had a few short relapses since then but right now he has about a month sober.
I'm proud of you for taking a stand. Your duty is to your children. they must be safe and must be your first priority. Asking a 14 year old to drive a drunk home from the bar is uncalled for. He needs to have a judge order him into rehab for that. the saddest part is...he KNOWS AA WORKS! Some who refuse to give it a chance have never experienced the joys of sobriety and working a program.
best of luck to you. I pray he gets the help he needs soon. And isnt it wonderful you ahve several years of alanon to help you get thru this???
You're decision is the same decision I made on January 7th, this year and since I have not seen nor talked with my ex a. I know the pain that comes with having to make that choice, as I love him tremendously and always will, but as you indicated how you are allowing God or your HP to guide you and lead your life, I am right there with you. I will say having made that choice, despite the tremendous amount of pain the first couple of months, that the peace it was replaced with was well worth it. NOW, I can love him and hold onto that love-- the person I once knew in my heart, which strengthens my relationship each day with God. It was a lesson of love, I'd like to call it. The love I have and will always have for him is the same love God gives to each of us. Now I'm doing the same with my daughter... :( It is MUCH more difficult with her though because as a parent you feel responsible for her behaviors, choices and you want to guide them as a parent should. This is truly a test for me. But ultimately, I know in my heart what NEEDS to be done, just as I knew in my heart I needed to walk away from my ex a, just as you.
My prayers are with you for peace, happiness and continued belief in who is ultimately in control. Let Him heal you completely and fill your heart with love for yourself and take care of YOU.
HI, YOUR STORY IS SIMILAR TO MINES,BUT MY A NEVER WAS SOBER. WE HAVE BEEN SEPARATED FOR ONE YEAR AND TWO MONTH NOW. I WOULD HAVE NEVER GUESSED IN A MILLION YEARS THAT I WOULD HAVE HAD A PIECE OF MIND. WE HAVE BEEN MARRIED FOR 11YRS. I STILL LOVE HIM, AND HOPE EVERY DAY THAT HE WOULD CALL AND SAY HE IS READY TO WORK AT HIS DRINKING.BUT MEAN WHILE I MUST CONTINUE WITH MY LIFE AND RAISE MY SON THE BEST WAY I CAN. SOME DAYS ARE HARDER THAN OTHERS, BUT THEY DO IMPROVE WITH TIME,TIME IS EVERY THING, ASK YOUR HIGHER POWER TO GIVE YOU THE STRENGTH YOU NEED. IN MY PRAYERS LISA
Thank you for sharing with us here on the board. Sounds like you have so much to give to us.
My now sober A was sober for 10 years...then 4 years to wreak havoc on our business, our life, our security. I'm not even sure it took that long.
I'm so glad you have the program with you to help you take care of you and yours. Keep posting with us...some days you give and some days you receive, but you are never alone in your efforts.
Thank you for your comments and support. It means the world to me.
Tonight is a shitty night. The realization of reality has hit. Seeing a man not wanting to lose his family yet not willing to do anything about it is difficult. Maintaining my boundaries is difficult at times-that is when I just close my eyes and vision my HP wrapping a blanket around me.
To hear "Fine. I'll quit!" and him agreeing to my response of "we've been down this road before" just creates an ache in my bones.
The uncertainty of the details of the future wears heavy on me, a true test of faith for me. That wee bit of a doubt of is my HP really gonna come thru for me creeps into my mind. Again I vision the blanket of my HP wrapped around me.
Tonight he said somethings to me that I confronted him about. Allowed him the chance to elaborate. I could see the frustration in him, hear it in his voice. He knew it wasn't about me, it was about him. I knew it too. I forgive him for his outburst.
"I can put up with something for 24 hours which would appaul me a lifetime"...I have repeated that over and over in my mind for many years now. My 24 hours are up. I never knew how difficult letting go w/love could be-but it needs to be done if we are to have a fighting chance. He's in no position to be a husband and a father right now. He needs to focus his energy on himself. It will either be himself or the bottle. Choice is his.
Me..I am gonna keep doing what I have been doing. Alanon, support, sponsor, pray, pray, pray and more praying. One foot in front of the other, even if it feels like I am walking in the dark I remind myself that my HP is there guiding me.
