The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
So, I have a choice and I need help making it. I am leaving St. Thomas. I have already bought my dad a plane ticket back to the states.
a) give my dad 200.00(1st months rent) to let him stay on St. Thomas and recv unemployment benifits and stay on a boat for 6 months.
b) Say no Im not giving you any more money you can take a flight home like I planned.
c) Do nothing.
All with the cavat of stipulating that this is it. no more. No more buying you food, no more buying you boos, no more helping on rent. It's all on you. My problem is that there isn't a safety net here like on the mainland. There are no jobs to speak of. Boos and cigs are very cheap here(more opprotunity for progression of his disease). Crime here is bad. On the other hand if he goes back to the mainland he is homeless. It gets cold in winter.
Gandalf, I highly recommend you find a meeting there and talk with some people face to face. Can you do that?
No one wants your father to be homeless but the choice is ultimately HIS and he is a grown adult and deserves the dignity of making that choice and facing the consequences of that choice. In this program we learn what is ours to be responsible for and what is NOT ours to be responsible for.
Find some al-anoners to talk to- or better yet find AA- there has got to be AA there at the very least. Ask them for advice. He is an American citizen and I would think he would need to return to his own country legally. If he goes homeless there, they will put him on a plane back to the US anyway. Good luck and stay in touch. J.
Many times while trying to help, friends and family members actually make the situation worse by enabling the alcoholic.
Here's some tips on how to stop enabling the alcoholic from comfortably continuing his/her current patterns:
1.Cease doing anything that allows the alcoholic to continue their current lifestyle.
2.Do nothing to 'help' the alcoholic that he/she could or would be doing themself if they were not drinking.
3.Stop lying, covering up, or making excuses for the alcoholic, such as 'calling in sick' for him/her.
4.Do not take on responsibilities or duties that rightfully belong to the alcoholic.
5.Do not give or loan the alcoholic money.
6.Don't 'rescue' the alcoholic by bailing him out of jail or paying his fines.
7.Do not scold, argue or plead with the alcoholic.
8.Do not react to his latest misadventures, so that he can respond to your reaction rather than his actions.
9.Do not try to drink with the alcoholic.
10.Set boundaries, don't make threats, and stick to them.
11.Carefully explain to the alcoholic the boundaries that you have set, and explain that the boundaries are for you, not for him/her.
Tip:Many times when an alcoholic's enabling system is removed, the fear will force them to seek help, but there are no guarantees.
6 GUIDELINES FOR SETTING BOUNDARIES
HAVE CLEARLY DEFINED EXPECTATIONS.
CLEARLY DEFINED CONSEQUENCES THAT DONT DISRUPT YOUR SERENITY.
SET THEM CLEARLY.
COMMUNICATE THEM THEMCLEARLY.
ENFORCE THEM CONSISTENTLY.
WITHOUT REGARD FOR THE RELATIONSHIP (RELEASE ANY EXPECTATIONS ABOUT THE OUTCOME).
Boundaries are to protect you. Not to control someone else. No one respects an empty threat, so make sure it is something you can follow through on.
The boundaries are for YOU. In time u may change/alter them to suit you or the circumstance. When u out grow a boundary and dont need it anymore - u will know that too.
No one can tell you what to do, u have to decide what is the best choice for you in your life. All of our choices have consequences to them. Take ur time, thinking about what will be the best choice for YOU, in ur life. It took me two months to set my first boundary but following through gave me self respect, self esteem and emtoinal detachment. I am my own person, seperate from my parents... they have their own lives to lead, they have a HP/god and it is not me. I am powerless to help them but I can change and control me.
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Light, Love, Peace, Blessings & Healing to Us All. God's Will Be Done. Amen.
Hi G, I read your other posting also...so this is to both of them. About the higher power....you are a nurse so I know you believe in Mother Nature..or the laws of nature. That was my higher power for a long time. It is a higher power than me, that's for sure. As for boundaries? I think you have just made yours by buying your return ticket from St. Thomas. (nice gig, by the way, at Sapphire Beach). It is an American Territory, right? USVI? What kind of welfare do they have? Do not leave him money. Pay his rent up front and let the landlord know your address so he can keep in touch with you. Maybe if your dad gets hungry he will make better choices? Your dad is an adult and deserves the respect of an adult man. Let him make his decisions and get out of the way of the fallout. The problem we have is that our guilt for their choices make us constantly put pillows under their fall. He is all calm about not working while you are chasing rainbows everywhere and never having any luck with any of it....and all of it comes from your guilt about letting him be an adult worthy of adult respect. We have a saying, "Say what you mean. Mean what you say. And don't say it mean." Talk to your dad and let him know what is up and then do it. You respect him and he respects you. Go live your life and enjoy it.
Dustin often times drawing the line is about drawing it for you. The longer you do it for him the worse he will get. Draw the line for you and stay behind it.
You've done a bunch already and its holding you hostage with your cooperation.
Stop yourself!! Say and Do what you mean and don't do it mean.
When you get our literature on the steps; Step One will read. Admitted we were powerless over alcohol and that our lives had become unmanagable. Does powerless and unmanagable relate to what is going on with you. I agree with get to the meetings as quickly as you can.
