The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
Feeling rather sad and a bit hopeless today. My ex-A's behaviour is more and more irratic. He is not getting on with my eldest daughter and they are just arguing and battling all the time, feel like a referee at the moment. I had hoped of a reconcilation eventually between us, but can see thats not going to happen, he's been quite nasty about it, it seems its ok for him to have sexual relations when he feels like it but not a proper relationship. I understand it is a time of change for him, he had only been sober for six months and had a few slips in that time, currently been completely sober for 4 months. He is following his programme religously and sounds like a raving loony most of the time, frantically trying to make amends for some of the bad things he has done, this does not it seems include making amends to us his family.
My daughter also told me that he had been seeing his ex-girlfriend and she had been round his flat and left food in his fridge for him. I have a feeling he is just playing his ex-girlfriend and me against each other. Did feel quite upset about this , but now just feel sad. He has a chance to have his family back and again he is walking away from it. I know I have lots of blessings, I have three lovely children, a roof over my head , and I can always earn a decent wage, and great friends, but still i yearn for more. Not material things, just someone to share my life with. Trouble is I really dont want anyone else apart from my husband. We have been divorced 3 years, and I have dated but nothing had any real meaning to me. Maybe I just expect to much of myself. Having trouble with the let go let god thing i think and just feeling sorry for myself.
Your post brought up the memories of when I separated and divorced my first husband, the alcoholic who brought me into Alanon. I , too, felt a deep sadness. I came to realize that I was grieving. First I had to grieve the loss of this man as my husband. Second, I had to grieve the loss of my marriage. I had always believed that one married for life, through sickness and in health, etc. But this was not to be for me. So I asked god for help to let go of my husband. And then I asked god for help to let go of my marriage. In letting go of him and marriage, I was finally able to open myself up to a new relationship.
It is not surprising to me that he is running around like a lunatic, frantically trying to work his program. Once I got a taste of the serenity of recovery, I wanted everyone to have it and pushed alanon on everyone I knew. I obviously didn't really "get it." When I started to work with a sponsor on my steps, I ended up making amends for the bad job I had done making amends before I had worked the steps! Eventually I learned at the pace god wanted me to have. Alcoholics are excellent manipulators. By holding on to them and dreams of getting them to be what we want them to be, we continue to allow them to manipulate us. And we don't have to accept the unacceptable behavior of manipulation any more.
One really important thing I allowed myself to do was to grieve these losses. Sure I worked my program and was grateful for the many good things I had in my life. But I also had to respect my feelings and allow myself to feel them and work thru them. Alanon is a wonderful program but it doesn't take away all of our problems. It helps us to deal with whatever life has to dish out and not lose our serenity.
Keep your chin up...there is a light at the end of the tunnel...alnon is a great path to take thru the tunnel.
Thank you Joan for your lovely reply, it has really helped. I think one of my great downfalls is I dont always see the reality of a situation and my ex-a knows and ,like you say, manipulates this to his own end. Many thanks for your words of encouragement.
IT is sad and it hurts.All I can tell you is keep posting keep comeing to meetings on line face to face and as you do you will get through it.Some times the most loveing thing you can do for someone you love is walk away.My heart goes out to you.
