Hello all,

It's been a long week ... computer problems have kept me from the board and until I receive the new modem in the mail it will be touch an go as to whether I can view the site or not.

Friday was payday ... and after cashing his check and setting aside the money for our bills, he took the rest to go and pay his personal bills. Well didn't quite work out that way. I sat here Friday night and knew at 7pm I wouldn't see or hear from him until he was good and ready and broke to come home. Saturday night after work I decided I didn't want to sit here so I packed up my dogs and went to my Mom's for the night. Had a good time for the most part, thoughts kept creeping in and I called the message thing 3 times over Sat night and Sun just to see, but I tried to not let it be my focus. I came home Sunday evening when he should have been at work, to find him here lying in bed depressed, much more concerned over where I had been than over his actions. Seems he thinks i am having an affair ... of course that is just what I want ... to run out and find another person to bring into my life and cause problems (sarcasm seems to be one of my coping tools). Anyway I explained I was at my Mom's, he said he knew it but couldn't stop the other thoughts from being in his head. I decided i couldn't sit here and watch him in his state of mind so i said I was going to go and then he started talking about not wanting to be here (alive) anymore. I found my counselor's emergency number, gave it to him and left. I went to where I work for the night, it was safe and comfortable and a place I could be alone, read literature and prayed. Came home Sunday, had a talk with him where I found out he has decided to get fired from his job so he can collect unemployment and find himself this summer. He also wants to cash out his 401k so I can pay the mortage etc while he finds himself. What a mess ... his decision will also cut off most of my options for continuing therapy, I can not afford it without insurance, not to mention treatment options for him if he were ever to choose it. Anyway there is nothing I can do about his decisions, hog tying him and taking him to work is not an option even though it is a humorous scenario running through my head occasionally.

My decision is basic ... do i file the papers now, that should stop him from being able to remove money from his 401 but put him on the defensive and make things much more dificult or do I agree to the closing of it and trust HP that I will get it to cover expenses while I file and sell the house etc ... any advice would be welcome.

One other thing, Sunday after I left I called his Dad just to let him know that there was talk about not wanting to live, and that I could not stay to make sure he didn't hurt himself. Without going into the whole conversation ... I was reassured he was not doing drugs just drinking a bit more than normal and that is only because of us having financial trouble and if i don't stop accusing him of things he's gonna get really mad at me. I was so shocked at his denial and how well my a must be covering his tracks that I suppose i did not reply as i probably should have, but i never once thought I was crazy and I actually even laughed after getting off the phone.

Just for today I am gonna try to live in the moment. Tomorrow I will have to get my facts together and really start making my decisions. I am afraid of making mistakes, and more afraid of not making any decision at all. Help please.

                                                        Jenny