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I am having some trouble detaching. My A is going out tonight , first time since I had the baby, which is really good for him, but once he starts, it doesn't stop. Anyway, I am ok with PART of it, I am ok with him going to the bar(which is across town, and cops sit everywhere), but at this bar, he knows everyone, including the owner, and everytime he goes there, he ends up calling me and saying he is staying late w/ the other select people the owner lets stay. This infuriates me. Even thinking about it infuriates me! It shouldn't. I don't know how to get myself to detach from this! It's like, if I can have the control of knowing that he will be home at a certain time, I am ok. If I don't have the control, I lose it! I was doing well for awhile, but I am not doing so well anymore. I am also infuriated, that he has not ONCE offered to get up at night with the baby, and I have been back to work a week now, and he doesn't work until 3:00pm. But he can stay up to go to the bar! But I can't say anything to him, b/c it is a battle I can't win. He will just say I am a bitch, and blah, blah. I just need to let this go, and accept it the way it is. It is very hard. Anyway, thank you for listening! I am glad I have al anon.
Detachment is something I find to be quite difficult. In my mind, detachment means that I give in and allow my A to rum amok if that's what he wants. It means ignoring everything that is important to me like abiding by the law, having respect for others, holding to the marriage vows, being truthful, on and on and on, and giving the A what he/she wants carte blanche. It means overlooking everything and anything I find unacceptable, and trying to find serenity in that. Detachment to me means that I lose control of every aspect of my life and be happy anyway. It means putting me completely aside. That I understand what you are saying is putting it mildly. But as you say yourself, it is "a battle I can't win." In my mind that doesn't mean I give up. I wish you good luck in detaching. When you figure out how to do it, will you please teach me?????
With caring, Diva
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"Speak your truth quietly and clearly..." Desiderata
I lived with an A for 14 years. At the end of my rope, ended up having a therapist tell me I was the poster child for Al-Anon and I should go to 10 meetings then see here again.
I went to one meeting, heard the word detachment and thought I was cured! ;) Go ahead, kill yourself, go to jail, leave, whatever, I don't care. And I didn't. I was totally done feeling rejected, alone, afraid. Until of course 2 months later he left. Ooops, then I realized I kinda cared!! ;) Back to meetings I went!! OHHHHHHH it's "Detach with love"? hmmmm
I spent a few months being really concerned and worried about him. It was like his life was falling apart and he was gonna crash and burn. I wanted to save him from that - for his sake, my sake, and our kid's sakes. Then one day while in a meeting it occured to me that he'd gotten out of our bed and made his OWN bed. I didn't have to get in it with him. He wasn't letting me make HIS bed no matter how hard I tried. It just wasn't working. I'm a baaad bed maker. I seem to have forgotten that little life lesson!!
Yes I cared and was worried - but that care and worry was making it impossible for me to be happy and get on with MY life. If I wasn't happy, so no way my kids were gonna be happy. So, that for me, vague as it is (sorry), was detachment. I had to do it to save myself and my kids. It didn't mean I didn't care about him. I did. I still do. It just meant I had to stop living for him - caring about all the things I felt he should but didn't. I had to stop putting my life on hold so that I could be there for him once he came to his senses - which btw he hasn't done in my never humble opinion, as of yet, 6 years later. I had to stop being consumed by the worry. I literally couldn't get anything done. I'd sit in this chair for hours and try to think a solution - as if I thought long and hard enough my oh so brilliant thoughts would magically become reality.
As far as him being out and you needing to know the return time - well, all I can think to say is that he's doing what he's doing no matter what time he comes home. So maybe you've gotta figure out why a return time matters so much? Or maybe just when he's going out - prepare yourself ahead of time. Know that he's going to do the late thing? My boyfriend says he's going for a couple and I just laugh and say OK - I honestly find it funny. He's closing the bar. That's what he does. He's only trying to kid himself when he says that. I'd rather have him be drunk there than here, or worse here drunk and craving more - so all is good.
My ex didn't do the baby thing either. It's like what? I'm not human I don't need sleep? After a few months (when the new mom I gotta pick up this crying child thing was getting REALLY old) I would just let the kid scream until he couldn't stand it anymore and he got up ;) Have you guys discussed this at a time when you're not upset about it? He may be more willing to help if he's doing it to feel useful - like he's helping you, rather than doing it because he's been a bad boy. Ya know what I mean? I never did that with my ex. I never gave him the opportunity to feel like he was being helpful to me. It was more of "you should do this but you don't and so you are bad". I never asked him to take one night or one feeding. I just got mad at him because he didn't. I didn't feel like I had the right to ask because he was the one working, not me. I doubt I would have felt I had the right to ask had I been working either.
