WHEN I WAS A BABY

When I was a little baby, my real mother did drugs and drank. She used to leave my brother and me alone while she went out. When she went out and left us alone, I used to feel angry, scared, frighten, about what would happen to me if she doesn’t come back.  Because of her being drunk or high, she used to beat me. I used to get very upset and angry about her beating me. I would cry my eyes out in pain. I would always try and not get her upset that so she wouldn’t hit me. She used to use a utensil to hit my hand as well as the beating.  At some point, I fell down the stairs and broke my right arm. I was upset, hurting, feeling pain, scared. It was never fixed. When I was around three she put me in a tub with hot water and I was rush to the hospital. I was very frightened, in lots of pain, scared of what was happening to me. I was angry because I saw my real father just sit on the coach and didn’t do anything to help me. I was very angry with him for that. To this day, I haven’t forgiven him for that. At that point, I was taking away from my real parents. In the hospital, I was very lonely, scared, confused, and nervous. After the hospital, I went to live in foster care. I was very angry, frighten, lonely, scared felt abandoned. At the age of four I was raped by my real mom boyfriend, I never reported it because I was scared. I was living with a foster couple who are now my aunt and uncle, they took me to get check out and saw I had blood on my underwear. When I was raped, I felt scared, felt uncomfortable, dirty. Didn’t trust any dark skin man for a long time. Even now if I see a dark skin man I have a harder time getting used to them. My real mom’s boyfriend was a dark skin man. I felt used when I got raped; I wanted to know why someone wanted to hurt me that way. I didn’t really trust anyone because I was afraid that they were going to hurt me, whether it would be a beating, screaming, hurt left by myself. When I was little my mom told me, she had eyes like an eagle and she can see me in the dark. For the longest time I was afraid of the dark. I really believed her. When I was about 4 yrs, old my mom got pregnant with my sister and I was anger with her because the baby got to live with her and I couldn’t. I didn’t understand why they got to live there and I didn’t. I felt my real mom was giving me away like abandoning me. I had a hard time on visitation because I would see all the attention going to the new baby and no one would pay attention to me. I would spend the weekend there and then on Sunday night, I would go back to my foster parents. It was always such a hard thing to leave my real mom and live with foster parents. I wanted to be with my brother who I lived with my real mom and dad.