Thank you ((((Deb))))

I have been trying to take care of me.  Made myself eat even when I didn't want to, taking asprin for these constant headaches I've had every day since, forced myself to return an alanon call and say "yes, do come over, yes you may feed my kids and I dinner", still have to get to bank and post office, and my Broker called yesterday to say there is a noon staff meeting today, but oh my head hurts so much, maybe it will be better before then...right now I don't think I could drive, probably shouldn't even be staring at this computer screen, sigh.

Hubby did say he needed counseling.  (Understatement, ha.)  I gave him a number to a place here in town that was recomended by an oldtimer couple in AA (the wife is a counselor herself).  He called me to say "they won't take anyone who has insurance, they only take medicaid and no insurance".  Well, today I called and talked with the lady and she said "we don't turn anyone away when it is drug/alcohol related".  Yes, they do try to refer you to your own insurance provider, but if you are willing to pay out of pocket they will still see you there.  I am not going to call hubby and tell him this.  I will wait until he calls again and see what he has to say first.  He did have the phone number to that AA couple also and I had told them they have other places they could refer him to.  Perhaps he called somewhere else.  I don't know.  Haven't heard from him since yesterday morning.  If he is sincere and wanting recovery, he will make those calls. 

I do agree with you about the abuse being separate from being an alcoholic.  That is an issue he has had since childhood (he was horribly abused himself).  The only correlation between the abuse and the alcohol is that, when he is not drinking, he controls his anger.  When he has been drinking, there is no control.  There is no rational thought whatsoever.  It is like the only thing in his head at that time is a huge ball of rage that nothing can penetrate.  He said to me, when he looks back on his life, everytime something went wrong, he was drunk at the time.  He can see what the alcoholism is doing to his life.  Now it is up to him to take action. 

I never ever would have thought he'd harm me or one of the kids.  Right now I do not know if I can ever believe that again.  With AA and counseling and NO drinking, I think I could see him living with us again.  I honestly do believe he'd not harm us if alcohol was out of the picture.  He has never been violent when he wasn't drinking.  But yes, there is an issue there still inside that does need addressing with counseling, as you say.  It seems to be coming clear to me that I can not allow him to live with us if he is drinking still. 

(Oh Deb, I had to stop a moment and go answer the door...and it was an Elder and his wife out in service.  This has been happening non-stop since the other night...signs from Jehovah that he is here for me.)

The morning after all this, hubby drove his truck to the house so he could sit and talk with me.  My one dog, Bear, came over to where I was sitting and sat in front of me and leaned up against my legs (his way of hugging), and sat there with me almost the whole time during this "talk" with hubby.  The animals can be such a comfort.  And yesterday, while waiting on mastiff/trina to arrive, I did go outside a bit and pull some weeds.  Not the same as planting flowers, lol, but still therapeutic for me as it helps to make the front yard look nicer without them. 

Well, the excedrin has worked, my head feels much better (still have a stiff neck but oh well). I will go get dressed now and attend that staff meeting as I should.  Thank you for being here. Luv ya!