The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
My husband moved out June 1st to a new town and a new job. We agreed on this date because it was after our last son's high school graduation and I would be on a trip. We didn't talk to each other for a week. He had originally said that he didn't want to talk to me or do anything with me for a year. Now, that is extreme. On my way home, I ran into him leaving my mother's house. He asked me about my trip and I said it was fine. He said, oh I left a bunch of stuff at home and I said, well, I guess it isn't home anymore is it?
I had prepared myself for when I got home. I bought some flowers and some magazines to read. But when I went into the bedroom and saw the empty closet and drawers, I just burst out crying. It is so sad and painful for me to have this happen. And he seems so oblivious to the impact on me or our sons. Well, I said that I could have my pity party for awhile and then I would do something else.
Our youngest son came home late that night. I had told him that he couldn't stay at a friends because I had been gone and I didn't no anything about this. He was pissed. We ended up talking until 1:00 AM in the morning about a lot of different things. I tried to explain to him about a parent's concern. He said that I was too controlling and that I didn't trust him. He said that if I wasn't so controlling that Dad would still be here. That hurt alot but he is young and that is his perspective. I knew that even though his father choose to move out that the anger from my sons would be directed at me.
So I am trying not to isolate which is what I usually do. I realize that I need help and support. My friend called last night to see how I was. I feel like "cleaning house". The painter is here to paint the inside of the house and I have been throwing things out. My new life has begun. I am going to my f2f meeting tomorrow. I have asked for help from my higher power and my husband's higher power. This is too much for me to handle alone and I am not sure that alot of it is mine to handle at all.
There is nothing wrong with a pity party. We all deserve and need them sometimes. Even though you knew it was coming, the reality of it is going to hurt.
Be extra good to yourself and take the time you need.
You are right about your son. You are the one who is there, so you are the one he will lash out at. Hold tight to your boundaries, and don't let him guilt you into letting him get away with too much. This is not your fault.
Give yourself time to heal and grieve. I remember when I made the choice to end the relationship with my ex boyfriend due to his drinking. I thought the pain would just about kill me the first month primarily. The second was better in that I would only on occasion have a tear or two develop as I thought about him. However, God replaced this pain with peace and confidence in seeing when I look around my home and at my children there is stability and balance as it should be.
I will ALWAYS love my ex boyfriend, but now know the decision I made despite the horrible pain initially was the right decision.
What I found helped was to keep busy for the first few months.... I was enrolled in school and working a job opposite where we live so it was away from familiar places. A couple times during the first two months I ended up in the part of town that was where we would primarily go and it was difficult, but now as I go to that part of town, it is MUCH easier. I am able to have good memories, yet except that the relationship was only supposed to server its purpose for a time and move on.
Take care and allow yourself to grieve. It's all part of the healing process. Most importantly give all your pain and concern to God. He will NEVER disappoint you.
Just be strong, you will do fine. It will take a long time, but you will eventually get there, and I think painting the house is great. It will change the way you look at your home, because it will be new and different for you. Your sons will come around, just give them time. I have a 17yr old, who is doing the same thing to me since I am the parent and my husband choses not to be one. He tries to guilt me into things and I just hold my stand with him. In the long run, he will see that it was for the best, but it will be a long time, and I know it. I raised my youngest brother, and he is now 30yrs old, and he calls me and tells me how he was glad I was not a push over then. It just took him growing up and having kids of his own.
I know you will be better for this, God only gives us what we can deal with, and nothing more. He is always looking after us, even when we feel so lost and scare. I don't go to church alot, but through the years of my illnesses I have always belived this and it has gotten me through so much.
Just keep your chin up, have a good cry now and then, and keep moving forward.
Hello Nancy, sorry this is happening but i have been where your at, my husb and I separated for 6 months along time ago , he was sober 9 months no program and it was hell. In the 6 months that he was gone ifound out that I was going to be ok with out him, I missed him and wanted him home but knew that I was going to be ok. this could be an oportunity for you with the A out of the home things calm down and u have time to get to know yourself a little better.
I too found it diff to look in closets so Iremoved his things and boxed them up and put them out of sight. I spread my clothes around and filled it up with my things. It is difficult to open a drawer and find his things so i boxed them up too after a few months I started to feel more at peace with my situation. I believe the separation was the best thing that happened to us, he had started to drink again shortly after leaving our home , and I didnt have to watch it.
In the six months that he was gone i found out that I was going to be ok with out him and he found out that home was where he wanted to be. I set the biggest boundary of my life by saying" sober and agreee to go to program or stay where he was I was doing just fine alone". Some people think that was control on my part but for me I knew I could not live with active alcoholism again. There are no guaratees that they will not drink again but I felt that with us both in a program we had a better chance. 16yrs of sobriety here now and things have improved 300% I still go to 3 meetings a week he attends 1 .but it works for us.
