The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
I went outside for a few minutes last night, just to let the dog out before I went to bed. Sat on the front steps, the streetlight was shining through the trees, and it brought back the memories of a night, ten years or so ago.
At this point my husband was drinking heavily, spending most of his evenings at the bar, but was seldom abusive - he would just come home and pass out, and if I didn't start something, there would be no trouble. He had not come home from work, and, after I put the kids to bed, I came out and sat on the steps. I sat there for hours, crying, hating my life, feelng lonely and trapped, waiting, waiting, waiting.... Every time a car drove by, I would perk up "Is it him?" Finally, about three, I went in and went to bed, don't know what time he came in.
Looking back at it now, my main thought is - what was wrong with me? Why was I sitting out there, feeling sorry for myself, not just for a few minutes, but for probably six hours? Sure, the kids were inside sleeping, I couldn't leave, (though I could have gotten a neighbour to come in and watch them) but I could have been listening to music. I could have been inside reading a good book, or curled up on the couch with a bowl of popcorn watching a movie, or talking on the phone to a friend or my sister, or writing, or sewing, or taking a bubble bath, or sleeping, or....
I was letting his actions control my life, and he wasn't even there! Maybe, if my misery would have made some difference - if my unhappiness and self pity would have kept him home, or kept him sober, or given me the kick in the butt I needed to make a change, but no. Not one tear from me ever made the slightest difference in his behaviour.
Looking back now, on those years when the kids were small and he was drinking so much, what gives me happiness is the memory of all the times I did NOT choose unhappiness, but instead lived my life. All the picnics we went on without Dad, all the walks, and stories read, the times cuddling up on the couch, watching TV together, just the kids and me. All the books I read, all the evenings spent knitting and listening to the radio or a book on tape. The times I thought "Well, this looks like it will be a drunk weekend", and took the kids to visit my dad, or even to visit his family. All the fun I had and the life I lived, whether he was home or not.
What I regret are the times I made more unhealthy choices, when I cried the night away, when I crammed food into my mouth to comfort myself, when I ran made up conversations with him in my head - over and over. When I took out my anger and frustrations on my kids, yelling at them for their tiny baby crimes. I regret the life that I wasted, trying to change something that I did not have the power to change.
I wish so much that I had found alanon at that time, and I'm so glad I've found it now.
Thank you for posting that. It took me back to those nights that I too would sit out on my front porch waiting, and waiting, and waiting. Sometimes I would even walk down to the end of the street so that I would be able to see her car a few seconds quicker!
The time I wasted waiting on her, being controlled by her!
I am so grateful to have control of my life again.
Thanks for the reminder of how it was and how much better it is now!
Reading about those times that bring you happiness, I thought that is the promise of AlAnon. We can find happiness whether the alcoholic is drinking or not. You went ahead with your life regardless of his behavior. This was even before you found AlAnon.
Those other times, ugh! I know them well. I don't have the excuse of ignorance. For myself, I am grateful for the times I go ahead regardless anyone else's behavior.
