The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
I am a social drinker. I will have a drink once every 3 months. It will only be 2 drinks and thats it. I grew up around an alcoholic and now husband is working on quitting. We both go to f2f meetings. Last night I had 1 drink and I felt guilty about having it. I know I shouldn't feel guilty since I can control my drinking. I talked to my husband about the difference with our drinking and he understood. I told him I felt guilty about drinking in front of him since he is quiting and he said not to worry about it. Of course I still felt guilty. Am I wrong for drinking when I use to get mad as all get out at him for drinking? Am I wrong for feeling guilty? I have taken this to my HP and feel a little better but still not sure I did the right thing. Can you please give me your stories to help me see differently?.. Thanks so much for listening.
I kind of liken your story to smoking. I quit smoking and my husband still does. He said he felt bad for smoking in front of me. My feelings were that I'm going to be around a lot of smokers in my lifetime. It was my choice to quit, and being an x-smoker, I promised myself I wasn't going to b*tch at other people when doing so. I used to HATE when people who didn't smoke would lecture me.
So...I guess I'm saying like me, he has chosen to stop. If he plans on staying the course, what other people do doesn't really matter. He will also see people drinking and deal with it accordingly, whether it is you or someone else. Honestly, when I am around people that smoke..If I would fail, I'd consider it my own fault. Surely not anything anyone made me do.
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If we think that miracles are normal, we will expect them. And expecting a miracle is the surest way to get one.
This is just my personal opinion.........If I were you, I would't drink. Reasons being:
1. As you said you used to get on him for drinking. Even though you don't have a problem with alcohol, I would feel it was a bit hypocritical to drink around him.
2. You said you only drink once every 3 mos or so, that being the case it's not like you would miss it or be sacraficing something you enjoy if you chose to just not drink at all.
3. Even if he says it doesn't bother him, speaking from experience I would strongly suspect it does. I have had a problem with pain pills. Liking them as I do, I could not be around and watch someone taking them without feeling a very strong desire to take them as well.
4. Since he is trying to quit, why risk tempting him at all by drinking around him? Is it really worth it?
Just my opinion since you asked
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Kathy S --
~*I trust my Higher Power that I am exactly where I am supposed to be in my life today.*~
The suggested Al-Anon preamble to the 12 steps states: "Al-Anon has but one purpose: to help families of alcoholics. We do this by practicing the 12 steps, by welcoming and giving comfort to families of alcoholics, and by giving understanding and encouragement to the alcoholic."
Being in Al-Anon doesn't mean you can't drink. But I do have my personal opinion on what it means to give understanding and encouragement to our alcoholic friends and loved ones. I myself choose not to drink around them. Doesnt mean I can't have a drink when I am not with them, however, I do think that, even thought they may tell you it is okay to drink around them because they don't want to try to control what you do, that they would certainly appreciate the fact that you are considerate of them. For instance, lets say you stop by a bar with some friends after work for a drink or two then go home with the smell of the alcohol on your breath and kiss your alcoholic spouse! I think that they would certainly appreciate this NOT happening.
Anyway, ultimately, whether to drink around your spouse or not is your decision to make. Just thought I would offer you my take on the subject.
I think you just need to follow your gut.... no matter how gushy it feels. Here again, it's just my personal opinion, but most the time I don't drink around my a husband, now and again I will. It's a bit different though because his major problem was and is with drugs. I think there are many ways that you can encourage and support your recently sobering husband, one of which can be to not drink around him.... I mean if it's really not that hard for you not to have a drink once in a while.. why not wait till a time that it you will feel better about it right? I hear ya big time with the guilt though, I go through that too. I think it's important for us to remember that there isn't a thing that is going to get them sober, and we are not responsible for their sobriety, only for our own thoughts and actions. I guess what you gotta ask yourself is, what are my actions telling me about me?
lots of recovery love,
Trina
ps, sometimes the answer is different than we first think it is too.
I seldom drink around my now sober husband, mostly because we don't keep any booze in the house any more. If we are at a situation where it is normal for me to take a drink, though, say a wedding, I'll have a glass of wine and not feel bad about it. I'm not going to go out and buy a case of beer and keep it in the fridge, I feel that this is just asking too much from him. I also don't think I'd get hammered in front of him, not that I do anymore anyway!
If you are bothered by it, than I would say don't do it, at least until you have a better grasp on just what is bothering you about it. Remember, though, your drinking is not going to make him drink, and your staying sober is not going to keep him sober.
