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I am noticing so much change in myself, I have been trying to control my mouth and keep my mind on myself. My a is still active and still does things that make me want to strangle him but I have managed to maintain this calm, just don't react attitude for 95% of the week. It has been great. I have also notice the rest of the family responding, my a seems to still drink but less I think because he doesn't have to come home and get the cold shoulder. I have slipped thus the 5%, lol. But I have really done my best and when I slipped I picked myself back up and said STOP.
I hope to keep this up because I know that it will really help all of us involved. Especially the kids and myself.
But I do have one question, the thing that makes me slip is him going off to his friends and not coming home to help out. This doesn't happen but 1 or 2 days a week and only for a few hours. I react badly everytime, I don't like him there so that is part of it but also I don't like that he isn't at home helping me, even if there is nothing to help with. I think I am being selfish and controlling here. He deserves to have friends even if I think they are the wrong ones and he deserves time with them. So what do I do here????
But I do have one question, the thing that makes me slip is him going off to his friends and not coming home to help out. This doesn't happen but 1 or 2 days a week and only for a few hours. I react badly everytime, I don't like him there so that is part of it but also I don't like that he isn't at home helping me, even if there is nothing to help with. I think I am being selfish and controlling here. He deserves to have friends even if I think they are the wrong ones and he deserves time with them. So what do I do here???? Love Holly
Holly,
Glad to hear the program is helping you so much. It really does work when we work it. I have experienced the same thing you are going through. For me it was also about control, selfishness and not wanting him associating with people *I* felt were bad for him. Just like everything else I had no control over I had to find a way to let it go. It helped when I took the same time for myself that he was allowing himself. That getaway time. You're right, he does deserve to have friends and to spend time with them. But guess what? So do you! So if he wants to spend a few nights a week hanging out with his friends, why don't you arrange to do the same? My husband tends to be very male chauvenistic (not sure of the spelling) He feels I belong home with the kids all the time. We have 3 year old twins and a 1 yr old. Well let me tell you sometimes his attitude really gets to me. I find that in order for me to have any *me* time I have to demand it. I have to literally spell it out for him: HEY!! I am stuck in the house all day long with the kids and wherever I go I have to take them with me while you on the other hand have the freedom to come and go as you please. It's not fair and tonight I am going (fill in the blank) and you need to watch them. Thats that! If I don't approach the situation like that than I never get any time to myself. Good luck.
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Kathy S --
~*I trust my Higher Power that I am exactly where I am supposed to be in my life today.*~
You said "I don't like that he isn't at home helping me, even if there is nothing to help with".
Which made me think of something I recently discovered about myself. I just really had to sit down and think about it and pick it apart.
Here goes: My A drinks every day after work, comes home and continues until he goes to bed or passes out (most days). Rarely is he up past 7:30.
Weekends were always my big problem. In my mind that should be family time, spent together. His routine on Sat. and Sun. is to watch movies on TV till about 11:00 a.m...then he goes to the bar until about 3:00. So, the day is basicly wasted by the time he gets home..(and so is he..lol)
I used to sit and have this huge pity party, thinking he'd rather be with his bar buddies then with me. I always felt second. So..I'd sit home all depressed having a pity party....alone
Recently I disected my feelings (and it wasn't easy). Here's what I came up with. I have few friends, like many of us, I sort of isolated myself. If I couldn't go places and be with my A like "normal" people, I just didn't go. That was mistake number one. I should have been having a life of my own all along. I discovered I was jealous too...that he has somewhere to go at any given time (I dont), that he has a bunch of buddies that welcome him daily (I don't). That he could be gone all day and not care that I was sitting her missing him. (I couldn't). When he was home, I would feel guilty about leaving him here if I had somewhere to go. Or if a friend called me to do something and he was home, I'd make up some excuse not to so I could stay home with him. Why? Insanity of living with an A. He just drank and ignored me for the most part and did the things that I hated most anyway.
Fast forward..I don't do that crap anymore!!!! Once I discovered I owned these feelings, I could work to rid myself of them. He still pisses me off cuz he doesn't lift a finger around here. I do it all. I'm a damn good tile layer, plumber, electrician and painter. All self taught out of necessity. I guess I can thank him for that (sort of). At least I can keep my house from falling apart.
But..ya know..once I sorted out the "why" of my feelings, I got off the pity pot and quit sittin around so much. Even if I have nothing to do and am alone on weekends, I won't let myself feel like crap anymore. He's doing what he does. It's not his fault I let this happen to myself. So now, I try hard to find things to do to entertain myself. This weekend I'm going to an Alanon picnic. Something I would have never done alone before. Before, if there was a picnic (not alanon..lol)..I just wouldn't go because he wasn't with me. No more of that here!!!! I'm workin it, finding more friends through Alanon, doing things I normally wouldn't do. I'm planning a 7 hr drive to see my parents. I Would have never done that alone before either. Freedom from that pain feels damn good :)
Christy (Cjo)
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If we think that miracles are normal, we will expect them. And expecting a miracle is the surest way to get one.
One of the things most of us in alanon have to struggle with is our controlling behaviour. For so long, we have tried to control the uncontrollable. We have pretended to have control in order to make ourselves feel better for all the things we couldn't change (the drinking) It is only in the last two years that my kids (teenagers, for heaven's sake!) feel that they can just go in the fridge and get a piece of fruit without asking - and, if you had asked me before alanon if I was a controlling person, I would have said, "No, not at all" HA
Well I have to admit that you've made me see something in myself I'd been avoiding even peeking at. My hubby (my a) has a friend who lives on our same block. When he relapses a few months ago...this friend's house was his sancturary. A place he could drink without being nagged. Well with the program, I've learned that I can't control everything and I stopped the nagging. He's recently started working his program and I've let it be HIS program. I've been strutting around pretty proud of my changes. Things are definately better. Your post made me admit that I'm still holding on to some of my controlling ways. I've given this "bad" neighbor" so many dirty looks and made it so clear to everyone that he is NOT welcome anywhere near anyone in my family that my DOG growls when he sees him in his yard. Hmmm you mean I don't have the right to make this choice for my husband?? Think I have some thinking and journaling to do guys. And then probably an appology or two to make. Thanks Holly for the mirror you held up for me. The progress you've made is tremendous Thanks for reminding me not to stagnate and to keep this program a process!
WOW! Congrats! I found that when I stopped focusing on him so much, and started looking after myself ( he couldn't even look after himself, let alone me!) that things really started to change!! Knowing that I have an option has really made a difference to both of us. I got so I didn't even care if he drank (as long as it wasn't anywhere near me!) He went away to drink for awhile, then got tired of it. I would have absolutly nothing to do with him if he called and was drinking. I didn't freak out like I used to, just hung up on him. If he was home, I wouldn't say a word, and he couldn't fight with himself, so he'd sigh and go to sleep. I found that when MY attitude changed, so did his. I was no longed this dragon B**ch that he hated coming home to, and maybe I'd be there when he got home, maybe I'd find fun things to do by myself, or with a friend. I think that 'rattled his cage' a little, that my life wasn't 100% centered around him any more.
Alanon has been such a life-saver for me. Now I have a life of my own again. I am sooo much happier, and so is he! He hardly drinks at all now, and we enjoy doing things together again. We are together almost 24/7 and that is ok with me. He is my best friend and we have fun most of the time now, but I do have *me* time too. Good luck, sounds like things are getting better all the time! Lotsa love, TLC
Thanks for reminding me not to stagnate and to keep this program a process!