The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
There is no other discription of how I feel. Let me explain briefly here if I can. Twenty three years of verbal attacks, living with an alcoholic. Actually that just about sums it up. Why am I beating my self up. It's crazy. I had a red flag thrown at me before we got married. Coming from a big loving, giving, christian family I wanted a big family. I mentioned that him, and the remark cut like a knife. May I quote: "All I plan on having is two, if you want more, you BETTER marry someone else!" The tone that came with it was a real shocker!! So Why the hell didn't I run??!! He got lucky anyway, two high risk pregnancies. Dr. said no more! The constant digs at me, being a dumb-ass hick because I had problems balancing a check-book. Me not going to college, I would be told go ahead leave what hell are going to do to survive, work at Walmart! A few times I did almost leave when my boy's where little. His come back always, "Leave! But you will never take them boy's" I'll get the best damn Lawyer my grandparents have plenty of money. What about your dumb-hick family. OK so I was that ignorant to believe what he said! Any feelings I ever had, I don't believe I will EVER get back. How when they were busted from the start! Am I wrong here? Someone help me! Is it the alcohol that makes a person like this. Remind even when he's sober, the verbal abuse never stops!!! Do I walk or RUN!!!!!!
Yep, this is the right place for you all right. Read through some of the threads, I'm sure you will find something that really speaks to you. If you can possibly get to a face to face meeting, please go. The feeling in that room is like nowhere else. If you can't make f2f, we have online meetings here. I remember the wonderful feeling when I realized that all those secret shameful things that had happened throughout my marriage were just standard typical signs of the disease - it really really wasn't my fault! (it wasn't really his fault, either, which took longer to accept. Now I don't spend so much time fixing blame, just try to be happy instead)
My heart goes out to you in your pain. I understand only too well about living with someone who is verbally abusive. The verbal abuser in my life was dealing with so much personal insecurity that it became necessary for him to reduce me, the victim, to believe that I was unable to support myself, be worthy of being loved, useless, stupid, and any other hurtful thing that can be said. And I was that victim. And by the way, the person who was abusive to me was sober the whole time. It was just another symptom of the disease.
I learned in alanon that I do not have to be that victim anymore. In alanon, I met people who listened to me and valued what I had to say. I met my higher power who loved me even when I couldn't love myself. And I learned that I did not have to be ashamed of myself for his behavior. And I learned, little by slowly, to love myself. And I learned that I did not have to accept unacceptable behavior.
I hope you keep coming back to meetings. You have already started to walk in the right direction. Help is here, in these rooms of alanon.
Breathless, don't be so hard on yourself about the red flags and when you begin to question, "Why didn't I run"?, remember that there is a purpose for EVERYTHING and that God works all things for good. I too, was in a similar relationship, met my ex when I was 15, was held close to him with so much possessiveness and control that he stole my sense of worth and who I was as a person. After 12 years of so much emotional, verbal, mental, and physical abuse, ranging from I put the roof over your head to the same as you with the kids, I'll keep the kids...... I was at my bottom (not as an alcoholic, but as a codependent) I knew I would die VERY soon and wouldn't be ANY good to my kids I continued through the abuse. I also knew that the kids watching this wasn't good for them, so at one point chose to leave to gain strength in myself. Of course, it was only temporary because I feared I'd never see my children again, as they were my entire life and still are... :)
Anyway, the reason I'm telling you all of this is because I know how you feel-- the threats and intimidation that is demonstrated in making you question your choices and decisions is enough to make you feel crazy and it is all you. The LAST thing my EX <---- notice how I capitalize that haha Anyway, the LAST words my EX said to me when we had our final abusive episode that resulting in some pushing and shoving because he was jealous of a good friend who was definitely brought into my life by God to get me through was, "You will never make it on your own" and "No man will ever want you with two children".
Well, last summer I purchased a home on the lake, I will be completing my BS in Technical - Management degree, my children are doing great- although, I must say that when there is an abuser that won't let go they work through the children. I had to watch my children continually get talked to against me and it REALLY made things difficult for them emotionally... He basically continued to mold his children the same as he did me, as make them feel as if they are responsible for how he feels. Fortunately, the 3 of us had started counseling 9 years ago and continue through today. I don't believe without the help of these counselors, we would have made it through. Of course, I know with discovering God in my life, I wouldn't have even made it to that point. BUT, it was all a lesson learned and I can say now looking back that ONLY WE make what we want with our life. We can choose to let someone who intimidates us keep us held back from our dreams and desires or goals in life OR we can choose to realize that this person who supposedly loves us is sick and that the fear they continue to put into us is ONLY a result of their inferiority and low self-worth. Of course, threatening others and making others feels that they are less of a person boosts their sense of self. In turn, they can take many people down with them if we let them. It wasn't until the past two years now that I no longer start shaking when I saw him anywhere (AND THIS IS PRIMARILY FROM THE VERBAL AND EMOTIONAL ABUSE). Matter of fact, I was washing dishes in my house one Sunday after church-- the kids had been by their Dad's for the weekend and suddenly I had a panic attack thinking I was going to lose my house or my kids. I hadn't even been thinking about much, but a breakup with my ex-boyfriend and his young daughter who reminded me of my daughter at her age. This relationship brought me back to deal with this feelings that I never worked through. All from just those words, I'll never make it on my own.... I had to stop what I was doing, take myself into my living room and look our at the lake to gain of sense of the house being mine, force myself to think about my career and education I'm pursuing and in about 1/2 hour, I was settled again within myself.
I will conclude in saying that after all this time of my EX getting away with all he had put out in his life, he ended up in jail with two OWI's. It's interesting that this is occuring now because when him and I were together, he RARELY if ever drank.... Yet, had ALL the characteristics of an alcoholic. :) What turned into his denial his entire life in addressing his problems has caused him to go into a tailspin to drugs and alcohol. To be honest, as bad as he was I NEVER imagined he would begin with addictions so much later in his life. However, what I can see now is how fortunate I am NOT to have been in his life to this point. He was bad enough with all the verbal, emotional abuse when he didn't drink.
Always remember that he is just a PERSON, nothing else-- not better or worse than you and that NOBODY has a right to tell someone else what is right for them. Only we can decide that. Furthermore, try to focus on your qualities-- the ones that you KNOW you have, despite what he says to you, get a support system of friends and absolutely do not isolate yourself. This is one of the first steps that our abusive partners wants-- to isolate so that we continue to be completely dependent on them for our emotional and mental well-being.
Take care of yourself. I hope that hearing where I came from has helped you to realize that there is ALWAYS hope and each day begins the first day of the rest of your life.
I'm writing an autobiography with the intent to show the extent of damage that JUST emotional/verbal abuse can do to someone, as I truly believe that this is the worse form of spiritual weakening, as it takes a person away from their relationship with God and their support system because they are made to feel as if they do not deserve this type of love...
One last thing I want to share is that if it wasn't for this relationship and learning how to overcome all of the intimidation and fear from this man, I wouldn't have learned who I was in being able to talk in front of large crowds, give presentations or meet with Executives. If I had to at this point in my life I could get up and talk to a crowd of thousands with NO problem... I could meet with the President of the US or any other authoritative figure as IF this person was just that a person--- AND let me tell you, it's a GREAT quality to have because I'm gaining so many friends and my career is flourishing now due to the ability of not being intimidated by a person in authority. :))))
Never one to mince words, I tell you here and now, I'd leave so fast his head would spin! There is absolutely no need for ANYONE to put up with constant verbal or physical abuse. Public assistance while you get your feet on the ground is better than this!! Yes, do go to Al Anon meetings in your area so that you can come about a better opinion of yourself and your value. You and your dear children deserve better. And do try not to be so hard on yourself. He must deal with his own demons; you cannot do that for him. Good luck. With deep caring, Diva
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"Speak your truth quietly and clearly..." Desiderata
First thank you so much for sharing your experiences and thoughts. There is something I just don't understand!!?? Why do I feel so stupid??? I mean am I over-reacting??!! I have never had anything just hang in my head like this. I have been through I'd say worse things in my life. I never stewed on it like this. I gave it up to God. Excepted what happened, went on with my life. But this it's eating me alive! My subconsience is telling me, "Over-reaction" I wrote him a 14 page letter, explaining all. Simply because I have tried talking for years, not the last who nows how many! He would listen for awhile then get mad and defensive. So I learned to "SHUT-UP!" It's like I'm playing mind game with my-self. Am I stupid to believe there is hope? I mean he was raised with anger and hurt! The last 23yrs of my life has been this way. My gut feeling is "leave" or kick his butt out! I also have a brother suffering from alcoholism. In and out of Hospitals, you name it. Just got out from being in for 6 wks. Three days, he was drinking. My dad called me in total devistation. I was talking to my husband about it. His comment, "Some-one needs to kick his ass," "Put him in a nut house". The day my dad called. Three days ago I believe, I snapped. I was washing dishes, husband came in, looking around ,"like whats for supper." I said sorry left-overs, I didn't get a chance to go to grocery store. Told him Dad called, started telling him what dad said, I started crying and shaking out of control, so angry! He made a comment like, "Back to his same old BS." I really lost it then, couldn't answer, I said,'Leave me the hell alone right now, YOU really don't want to be around me!!!!" "JUst leave me the hell alone! So....he turns around..walks calmly away, gets the bottle pours a drink. "I think that was the last knife in the back! So why the hell am I tourchering myself!!!!! It's CRZY!!!!
Breathless---AKA--Beverly Blaha Lanfear (why the hell am I hiding;, I did nothing wrong!!)
Breathless, do you have a chance to get to face to face meetings? That, and doing some reading, could really help you. Sounds like you are fed up, right to the back teeth! Keep coming here to vent, it is so much better than venting to the A, who doesn't listen anyway, or just turns it around so everything is your fault.
