The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
My partner and I of a year and a half have a wonderful relationship. Now we do. The first year was ROUGH but for six months he has been sober! Since he has stopped drinking I have grown to know this AMAZING man who has will power beyond comprehension. His heart is golden and when I think back to the person he USED to be I cannot even recognize that man! I have not personally struggled with alcoholism so I lack very much the understanding of what he is going through right now. He has gone through rehab twice in the past with no success and this time he stopped cold turkey claiming that it has been fairly simple for him, because this time he WANTED to stop.
He had been drinking from ages 13-25 HEAVILY and only known that sort of life but now he claims he LOVES being sober and though it has its challenges for him he has no desire to go back to the old way of life.
I have read various books trying to understand what he is going through and how I can best support him but all of the answers seem cloudy to me. I still have NO idea what he is going through and according to him, everything to himself is cloudy too right now.
He is experiencing frustration as he realizes how many things in his life he missed out on and all of the people he hurt. He also is frustrated because he seems to have very little memory of the years he was drunk. Also, with things like trying to clean up his credit, etc.
On the upside, we have lived an extremely active summer and I have learned that when he needs to be active that we need to go out and do something healthy and active. The first months was rough (he refused to attend support groups). His mood swings were tremendous, sometimes leaving him in a depression for days. He itched profusely and still constantly scratches. When we attend events where typically people are drinking he will appear to be nostalgic and empty of life. When we are out and doing our own thing away from the "drinking" environments he thrives and is the happiest guy ever!
I have SOOO many questions and would love to hear comments from others on any and everything I have so far mentioned in this post. I also have an intimacy question. When he was drinking he was a sex addict. Upon sobering up he seemed to have lost desire. I understood and was patient as he had/has a LOT going on. Now at 6 months I am realizing that he has an extremely difficult time opening up intimately (in all forms) and severe fear of emotional wreckage. In addition, and as a side note - his libido has virtually disappeared! He tells me he does not know why but he has absolutely NO desire for any sexual contact with ANYONE.
I struggle with taking this personally and it has caused a strain on our relationship. Has anyone else encountered this? Is it permanent? I am desperate for insight and eager to hear from you all!
Thanks for reading!
-- Edited by EminMT on Sunday 23rd of August 2009 07:14:18 PM
-- Edited by EminMT on Sunday 23rd of August 2009 07:30:43 PM
-- Edited by EminMT on Sunday 23rd of August 2009 08:09:09 PM
In the Alanon program they tell us to keep working on our own program. Looking at "them" too much and wondering why? will drive us crazy. Are you going to meetings? Reading the literature? Got a sponsor? Just some suggestions that have helped me. Yes, there will be days like that in sobriety.
Aloha Emin...You are getting just a peek and the definition of alcoholism and why it says, "...it affects every aspect of the alcoholics life." Sex is only a small portion of the picture and one of his and your struggles. It was and is that way with myself also. Alcohol free means power-less-ness. Without alcohol the alcoholic's life changes dramatically. The most important aspect of life is gone and if it comes back life itself can and will end. Alcoholics have three choices Sobriety, Insanity or Death. I hold dual membership in both Al-Anon and AA. I married the women I drank with and addictively drank myself. I cannot go back to either a relationship with an alcoholic spouse or drinking. Today I don't want to and don't have to only because of Al-Anon and AA. Without these programs I'd be defenseless against the disease of alcoholism and how it affects everyone it comes into contact with. You are now one of that membership.
I'm sure you don't want him to go back to drinking so that you can just have the sex you use to along with the other insanity. So I suggest what NMike has the Al-Anon Family Groups which is where I started. Go to the white pages of your telephone book and look up the hotline number for Al-Anon and call for the meeting places and times in your area. Get there as soon as you can and repeat that as often as you can in the next 90 days. Put the issue of sex on the back burner to take the pressure off of yourself and your alcoholic mate. There's lots to learn. Get as much literature as you can and read it all. It's for you not for him. Go early to the meetings, stay a bit after the meeting, always use an open mind with what you hear, ask questions after the discussion, learn the steps, traditions and slogans of the program and just practice doing your life one 24 hour period at a time. By the way there is a pamphlet of that title. Ask for it and you'll probably get it free.
Good luck. I'm glad you found your way here although It is probably something of a miracle for all of us and I hope you keep coming back. (((((hugs)))))
Awsome reply to a very sensitive subject thank you for sharring your recovery here , i love all the things u post . always positive and program based . Louise
I wholeheartedly agree with Jerry. Very well said.
I wish to welcome you to our program and encourage you to visit MIP as often as you can. I can say that that chat room has saved my sanity on more than one occasion, let alone the warmth and love eminating from everyone there.
Glad ur here. Keep coming back.
redfred
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