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Just wondering when do things get better. My A stopped drinking 100 days ago. Before I was alone because he was allways drunk. Know I'm Alone because he is allways at meeting. I know I should not complain but I have three kids all under Five A little help would be nice. I hear All the time how great the A is doing not drinking. How about me. I'm the one running the house , working, taking care of the kids.
Well i'm just mad tonight thanks for letting me vent.
I know what you are feeling - my husband just dived into recovery as if it were a bottle. Give it some time, he is making a huge change in his life which will benefit you all eventually. One thing that I found was that once he was not drunk, I was a little more able to bring up my issues, and actually get listened to. Can you say something like "When you get home from work, can you take the kids for a bit to give me a break, since I'll have them all on my own while you're at your meeting?" If he really is working his program, he will start to, in time, realize how selfish he has been and is being, and will give more. My husband is sober two years - the difference is amazing, but he still needs to be ASKED for things, it would never occur to him to offer to help me or give me a break if I didn't ask. So, I have learned to ask, rather then to quietly resent and martyr myself. Meanwhile,you can do things for yourself. There is probably a little more money now, as it is not being spent in the bar, so you can get a babysitter, or take the kids to fun things, to give everyone some R & R. Go a little easy on him for this first bit, as he is finding out who he is without drinking, and it's a big change. You don't need to neglect your own needs, though - one thing that may help you is "Say what you mean, mean what you say, don't say it mean." Good luck hope you both make it.
hi nik, they say the first year all the a can concentrate on is being sober, we know to us this sounds sooooo selfish while we hang on and do everything else, but in the long run it wil be so worth it. so be use to use time to work an alanon program just for your own recovery.
Good for your A in recovery mine is 2 in the meetings most of the time, but thank god he found his program as I have found mine I have 3 kids also 16, 15, and 5 and my A can not drive so I have that burden also at times in a little different way. But I focus on ODAT thank you HP for finding me and finding my A and helping us through working our program and being able to kiss them one more day before work and seeing my babies faces each morn and tucking them in or sharing a bedtime story or a song. the Little things I took for granted now are my serenity. It is hard at times and now I try to do things for me, I have been making a quilt and a scrapebook and well these I share with my A when he gets home a candle, a snuggle, may take away your loneliness when he arrives home after a meeting, or maybe a meeting together fromtime to time I go to AA sometimes also Good luck it will get easier
ODAT My A sober 2 months and my program and my serenity began 4 months ago 13 yrs married Love ya
i know how you feel. cept my a and i were just separated ( i left, he hit bottom). so he had no reason to feel he needed to come over and help me out. which was good for me cause i had zero expectations and it helped me from being resentful.
it is true. they do need to focus 100% energy on being sober. my a used to love calling it a selfish program. it suited him so well. what i had to realize was that maturity would come with time in the program. to let him feel the way he was feeling, to give him the dignity of learning that he could be 'selfish' and 'selfless' at the same time. his program always comes first. without sobriety, he has no wife, no job, no kids to play with. i understand its importance. he is 4 and 1/2 years sober and is just starting to look more clearly at his responsibilities and trying to be more selfless. but i gave him the dignity of finding that all out on his own. while doing my best to keep my expectations about me not him. after that, anything is a bonus.
give the program time. you can always voice a concern and say, i know your program is important, but i could use some help with ......... be specific and honour his response. if he is truly working the program, it will all come with time. be patient and focus on you and kids........
Hello Nick, so glad u posted here. your not the first wife to become a temp widow due to AA meetings. But hold on to the thought that he is sober and trying, which on any day is better than drunk. ((((((((hugs))))))))))).
It's time for you to take alittle time for yourself I hope uare going to meetings Al-Anon - some meetings have baby sitters durring the day, and perhaps your husb would be willing to stay home one nite so that u too can recover. and if your like me you probably don't want to ask, but I have learned that if I don't speak up people don't know what I need. If hubby is unable to stay home , thats ok too . find a good sitter and treat yourself to a nite out. go to a meeting out for coffee etc you need support people who can understand how your feeling,
Sobriety is not easy for anyone, A is hanging on by the tips of his fingers and we are so stressed out that nothing seems to be changing (not fast enough anyway) : )
But he is sober and trust me that is a great place to start. For me the best way to support my husb is to get a program of our own, and stay outa thier face. We learn here that it's not our job to keep them sober , but with a new attitude we can help them stay that way. I was told that an A cannot go home to an old idea and stay sober, I was the old idea.!!!! everyone has to change not just the A. Hang in there it will get better. Louise
This is exactly why it's so important for both parties to work on their own recovery. Otherwise.....one is getting healthier while the other one is building up resentments. (alone again, no help with the kids etc) Do you attend your own face to face meetings? Do you have a sponsor? Working the steps? If you were I bet your outlook would be more positive. I do understand how you feel because I felt that way also before I started my recovery.
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Kathy S --
~*I trust my Higher Power that I am exactly where I am supposed to be in my life today.*~
I understand exactly what you are saying. Mine is either gone to use, working overtime because he used all of the bill money or at a meeting. I feel like a single mom and am tired of it.
