The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
My A has one year sobriety under his belt...and I must say I'm no longer afraid of the physical contact, but it's been a rough year verbally.
This past year I opened a retail shop, and that's been my salvation...some time to myself. Since I'm inside all day, yesterday I started going to a tanning salon, just across the street. Weekends we usually spend at least one day out on the boat, and I'm very fair skinned, and burn easily. Anyway, I mentioned it last night, and my A got all excited that there might be a hidden camera...he doesn't like the idea of my being undressed, even in a locked room. That started it...but thanks to my own recovery, I just said my piece and shut up. Silence all night, then this am I told him he was acting rediculous...I'm almost 50 (like, who would photograph that HA). Then, on my way to work, I TANNED, and I plan to do so whenever I choose to do so.
I know this doesn't seem like much, but after 30 years of being stepped on, my recovery has taught me that my A will either be happy or mad...whether I cater to his desires or follow my own.
My path is rocky, and yours will be too, at times, but I've tried so hard to just be thankful, and present during the good times, and hang in there during the bad, and GIVE IT UP TO MY HP.
Thanks just for listening...I am so isolated that there's nobody to tell these things to.
I agree with you about sober isn't easy either, its funny how we can think that if he stopped drinking it would be all sunshine and roses, I too had a very brief encounter with sobriety when my a broke his ankle, he had to stay in bed for weeks and I do not allow him to drink in the house so he was stuck, on occassions however he did have people sneak beer to him but for the most part I got to see the sober side. I know what you mean about the physical contact I had an awful time, I though just because he was sober I would want to be all over him but I really didn't, that hurt me, I wanted to want him but I didn't.
Hang in there, I sure as you put your program to work on any issue you will pull through the hard times.
Last year I left him...after he quit drinking and I came back we had the usual honeymoon...til it ended. Since, yes, I want to want him, but as the country song goes, "My giveadamn busted", and the desire just isn't there. I'm almost 50, and menopausal, but I think it's more a situation of control...and I just can't give what very little of that I have, UP.
So, some days I can handle things, and some days I can't. It seems when things are going well, I forget how to handle the days when life just runs me down.
good for you!!! Look at you doing for yourself! How cool.
Believe me, your husband will respect you more in the long run. Hey! I am 52, does this mean my body is icky too?? lol
I relate completely. I don't care anymore though. Had my days of a nice bod and now I appreciate my softness, and rounded curves! Definitely built for comfort now.
But I feel more feminine than ever.
So you are isolated eh? What kind of a shope do you have?
I am in Oregon, have a farm animal sanctuary with spoiled pot bellied pigs, goats, horse, llamas, dogs, cats, guinea pigs, some chickens, a turkey called Devilbird and his wife FeeFee, soooo I keep busy. OH and two huge 1200 pound farm pig pets.
All are rescues.
Well I am not isolated but isolate myself. The world is way too violent for me. So I sit here and watch the hummingbirds and others, play with and groom my animals and enjoy it when people come out.
I like how you said your peace and let it go. Your alanon skills will help you guys in the long run.
It is wonderful that he has gotten some sober time. Is he in AA? My A was sober several years, but was working a plan of recovery. From my experience if they don't have a program, they have only stopped drinking. It does not change much of the behavior and can make it worse.
My A's recovery included being honest, helping others, looking at things in a positive way. He was giving and fun. We were as normal as a normal marriage could be. We talked things out, we would have "tiffs" always attacking ] the problem not the person.
But every time he has gotten sober time in now, he is like faking he feels ok. Only when he goes to AA will I believe he is done.
I lost him when he had a brain tumor removed. He is brain damaged and had a medical relapse. Has been a mess since 1999.
Would he go to an open meeting with you? I mean if HE wants to go.
I always wanted to go to those. A and I went to a couple before he got in his mess.
Or more his disease got him in such a hole. I love him so much. I hate the disease that robs him from me.
Right now he might as well be married to his mother. Sounds sick but his disease chooses her over me. She enables it. She knows as long as she is the diseases ali he will stay there.
I decided if or when he ever comes home. He is never leaving again. So I have to be sure when that time comes. And have my life set up to be able to live with him.
And also be strong enough to not let the disease make me sick.
Hard to do.
Anyway tell me more about you if you would like. I know what it is like to not have anyone to talk to.
My a is sober two years, and we have lots of sexual problems too. After all those years of just taking it, and not even realizing that I had the right to be angry, or hurt, it is hard for me now to trust him, and just relax and let go. It gets better though, if he is working his program too. I am so happily surprised every time my husband shows his change and growth - things that would have prompted a long self pity session in the drinking days will now just be dismissed with a "Oh, well, that's life, just gotta let it go". He often notices now when I am down, and asks about it (and even LISTENS, sometimes!) Sober is no picnic, he drank for 40 years, and now needs to change his whole idea of who he is and what he stands for. Not easy to do, and he has made some wrong turns in the search, but at least for the first time in his life, he is truly looking inside himself, and trying to change the things he does not like. So, there IS hope, though perfection is S - L - O - W in coming (good thing, I guess, as then I would have to be perfect too!)
I guess that this must be a very difficult time for you, and that I did not see the suffering behind what you had posted.
I noticed that you memtioned 50 in your last post, and could it be that you feel that 50 is old? It is really still very young, and you have many good years ahead of you.
Possibly what you are going through now, and what you have been through are just answers of what you really want to do with your life?? Ask your HP to guide you, and sometimes what we ask for may not be what the HP has intended for us? It is a good thing that you have come back to this message board because the more you vent and receive suggestions, the more you will find your own solutions. Hang in there, and keep the faith!!
No, I don't believe the 50 thing is too much of an issue...I'm the 7th of 8 siblings, so there's always somebody older...ha! I prefer 50 to the immaturity of my 20's or 30's, and I'm pretty good for 50...I do yoga, I'm thin and mostly healthy, and I'm finally sprouting a little backbone.
Thank you for seeing the pain...it's still hard to post it, as I've forced myself to be Pollyanna for far too long.
Last week on a medical show, the nurse told the patient, "Life shouldn't be this hard." and that's stuck with me all week. I'm taking care of me, and I guess I just want my A to stay out of my way so I can do so.
He is not working a program...thus, the dry drunk! His last non-drinking episode lasted over 10 years...now I realize I can't control whether this one lasts, so I'm setting myself up to take care of me.
Thank you for your consideration...did you remember me from last year's posts?
Good for you for standing up for yourself. I too know how hard it is to find myself after years of spending all my time covering for him, running myself into the ground to help support us and hide his drinking. Not anymore. I work full time at a job that I wanted (not him) and I spend at least three nights a week exercing. He comp;ains about those nights away from him. But since he's not sober right now I dont feel I have to be here to see that.
My husband is newly sober and I have found my life to be better. I am trying to hope for the best and work on my self. I have now set up a support sytem of females so if I need help I will be able to reach out and touch people.
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Hey everyone watch me grow. I go thru good & bad times. each day i am getting stronger.
