I left in 2001, just myself and two children as a result of abuse that very well could have killed all of us had I stayed.  Not only did I have to just walk out on my own, but the children and I had to leave the house and return hours later with the police department to collect our things to protect ourselves as we went back.  In addition my daughter had just been getting stabilized with a seizure disorder and stability in a home was crucial to her recovery and stress level.  So here we were with a duffle bag of belongings, having NO IDEA where to go---  However, I gave it to God, as I KNEW that whatever I felt, hurt, betrayed, upset, that this man who claimed he loved me was sick and that my FIRST obligation was to MY children, if not myself to give them a better life than to learn how to accept inappropriate, unkind and unloving behavior.  With that, as I left, I put ALL of my focus on God-- thinking just as you at times and telling God, I know He only gives us more than we can handle, and I was feeling that I had VERY little, if not anything left-- I was weak, physically, mentally, and spiritually.  BUT, I still KNEW in my heart that it was NOT GOD that got me in these circumstances, it was my choices, so I also gave that to God, asked for forgiveness MANY times with so many heartfelt tears-- asked him to help me through this, find my way for JUST MY CHILDREN AND I.  Over the next couple of years, I continued to pray as I drove in my car to work or anywhere, as it is now just automatic for me and probably happens every second of the day now. 

Anyway, to make a long story short.... Over the next couple of years, things just happened for me---  how I paid $1100 a month rent is STILL beyond my understanding, particularly when I had NOT ONE PENNY saved and was in and out of hospitals with my daughter with her medical condition, not collecting a paychek. 

Now, here I am not even 3 years later with a beautiful house on the lake without ONE PENNY down that I own, a brand new car, NOT ONE PENNY DOWN...

All I can offer is what worked for me and that is ONLY one thing-- trusting God through it all, as I'm sure it's not over yet either.  :(  Now the affects of having stayed around all the unhealthy people throughout the 10 years of my daughters life is affecting her.  She has suddenly began drinking and doing drugs, DESPITE this not being her nature.  It took us 3 LONG, HARD, pressing years to get her stable with her seizure disorder, in which she was finally stable a year ago and dropped from 9 pills a day to 2 over this past year still stable and NOW, being close to 17, she is freaking out for some reason.  It is sudden and because of her history of depression and wanting to kill herself, with her seizures presenting psychosis like symptoms, I am soooo worried for her well-being, but no longer know what to do for her.

There comes a time that we must let to and let others suffer the consequences of their choices, ESPECIALLY if those individuals are not changing their behavior despite the attempts at resources to help them.  As with my daughter, this is the case with anyone--- the more I try to intervene, the less she is held accountable for her actions and not forced to turn to God.  However, because she is a child-- MY CHILD, I won't give up until I have peace about giving up.  Which, once we see the counselor and psychiatrist this week, Monday I will make my decision based on these people that have seen us through the past 4r years and have been a blessing at getting her stable.

The police officer said to me something that was quite interesting when my daughter had been involved at school drinking with a "friend" (she calls) who brought in alcohol during their 6th period.  He said, along with the principal that in their years of experience what they have seen is that often times people who have had a background where they didn't really suffer the consequences of their actions at a younger age, that ultimately what begins is that with each destructive behavior, it lessens their awareness of what they are doing wrong.  As they get older, their destructive behavior is practically natural to them.  This makes so much sense to me because isn't that really the CYCLE we all learn that is so difficult to break in many cases?

That being said, her consequence may be facing jail as a juvenille, in which at this point, if I cannot get her into a rehab facility to protect herself, that may be the only option.  Either way.....  these thoughts are all given to God and as the day approaches, I will know what to do.

I must say that I regret FEW things in my life because all that has happened throughout it has happened for a reason-- it has made me stronger and much more close to God than I had ever known to be (Actually, I never even knew God)  Anyway, I will say one thing to many young mothers---  If I knew then what I knew now, I would have left when my babies were so young and got counseling for myself IMMEDIATELY.  Why?  Because, ONLY with recovery are we able to recognize the manipulation others seek of us when we ourselves are so hurt, angry, bitter and feeling rejected.  Our judgement is clouded and our perception of others, INCLUDING our unhealthy families are denied and we feel as if we need to accept them, instead of find healthier people to be around to help influence our children.

Now like I said, I would never want to change anything if I could go back-- EXCEPT ONE THING..... MY lack of strength and ability to walk away from the abuse of emotional, psychological isolation and at times physical as well.  I believe that my children learned this pattern from seeing it during their life and in turn, they continue the cycle.   Don't get me wrong, I am not getting down on myself, but have had this conversation with God quite a bit the past few years, seeking forgiveness in not trusting him to do this so that my children can have a better life.

Take Care and give all to God.......

I can imagine what you are going through.  I will pray for you often, for strength and courage.  Gardengirl is right though, I have watch friends leave with nothing and say it isn't worth it.  It is worth it, you deserve whatever you can get.

The best thing you can do right now though is concentrate on what you need to get through this.  And focus on getting what you and your children need.

Good Luck and keep coming back, we are all here for you and will help you with our prayers and love.

Love

Holly

Hi jkiss03,

I will pray for you, and your family.  As much as it hurts you to leave, believe that your HP has a plan for you!! With all of the pain that you are going through today, it may be difficult to see that.  Today ask the HP to guide you, to help you, to be where you need to be, just for today.

I believe that it is never over before it is finished.  If your A has been drinking a lot, he may say or do just about anything because he is mad, and in pain.  Sometimes, just taking time out could be the best solution.  Try to see your life just one minute at a time, and keep your focus on that for today.  REMEMBER THAT THE HP HAS A PLAN FOR YOU, AND THAT YOU ARE NEVER ALONE.

May the HP bless, and keep you and your family well today