The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
We've had a bad week again, actually it started yesterday. Another binge day, they've been coming about a week apart which is more than usual. I got my ODAT in the mail yesterday just in time. Well I'm not sure about some of the reading I've done. There sems to be a lot of talk about A's starting programs. I've read quite a few passages that read "when" the alcoholic starts treatment not "if". My husband and I have talked about this quite often over 20 years. He does NOT want to quit. He grew up with it on both sides of the family. A grandparent on each side, his Mom when he was younger, she is 76 and still can put away a lot of wine. And 2 out of 4 brothers are active. He says "I like to drink this is what I know, this is what my history is, I like the friendship of the pub". He has felt this way since the AirForce and he is 56 now, close to 40 years. He just is not going to quit. That said I know he is the only one that is in charge of that. I was just disturbed to be reading so much of quitting. Maybe I am interpreting wrong but it sounds like if I work the program he will follow suit. Enough griping, I did call the national number and am getting a welcome pack. I also found a f2f once a week. Can you beleive it is the only one within a 50 mile radius of where I live. I kept telling the lady on the phone towns and she kept saying sorry. Gotta go feed my pups. Thanks for listening. Thoughts appreciated. XOXOXO whatif
My husband A also feels the same way that your A does. He does not want to quit. He enjoys going to the bar and drinking w his friends. He is 63. He quit for about 15 years but started again about ten years ago. He is at the bar every night. He found out he has emphysema after years of smoking so he is depressed about that since he can't do much (except make it to the bar). I told him tonight in a very calm manner that he smoked and smoked and look what happened. The same thing could happen with his drinking. Once he is at the bar, he doesn't leave until it closes (4-2 pm). We have no life together. Thank goodness I work and have my own interests. I do not attend meetings although I am certain they would be beneficial. I do a great deal of reading and find this site very very helpful with everyone sharing. It has been a lifesaver for me. His attitude hasn't changed towards his drinking. I have just become stronger in speaking my mind and taking care of ME. So take care of YOU--do what makes you happy and stay close to your HP. If my A changes, it will be between his HP and him. Hope this helps a little. Love and blessings, Annie
I'm glad your ODAT came and that you're reading it. I too see all those pages about their recovery and I could fuss about it, but I know that my task is my own recovery.
I rely on the promise of AlAnon: that I can change myself, that by working the program I can find happiness whether the Alcoholic recovers or not. That is my focus. Whatever my husband's behavior changes follow is not my business. (Mine's haven't changed.) Still I am a grateful member here, because now my periods of happiness are big and times of despair are little. It used to be the other way around. It is only by concentrating on myself, a huge job, that I have been able to allow joy into my life. I figure it's my only life, and I'm not going to waste it fussing about something I can't change.
Hi Whatif , glad u got your book. go to page on July 14th and read it everyday til your able to live it. work it to the best of your abiltiy and your life will get better.
I don't remember pages on when he reaches sobriety???? The focus is on us and how to change our lives. As u read the first line of the page I suggested u will undertand when I say it had my attention immeadiatly , hehe But it was a trick the rest of the page is about me . hehe.
That page and everything on detachment saved my sanity drilling into my head that there was nothing I could do about him go to the back of the book , find the index and look up detachment , read the pages till u find one that u can apply to your life. Louise
Just like to say, don't give up hope - until the day my husband joined AA, I would have bet you a million dollars that he would never quit. He never even tried. Like yours, he had been drinking since he was twelve, he sobered up at the age of 52. He went off to rehab (a condition of keeping his job) saying "Well, I'll go up there and see if I can cut down for a while - I will NOT join AA or anything like that, though." Four days later he phoned me, sounding like a different man. He had been going to two AA meetings a day. That was two years ago, no slips so far,( though sobriety is a ride all on its own!). As you know from posts in here, it doesn't always work out that way, but sometimes it does.
Thanks for comming here. I have been in the Airguard (very similar to airforce) for 19 years...all I can say is it is on deployments it seems as drinking is manditory if one wants to do anything but sit in room. I have been thru this and as I have grown older I find I can still socialize with a coke and not feel that I made an arse out of self night before as I still see many do at any age. Now that I'm done patting myself on back for this realization, I just want to say I know where your hubby is.
You state that you working on yourself maybe will change him and his habits or addictions...don't fool yourself, he is done when he is done. What will change is how it impacts you, how you react, how you think. This I've seen make a change in others around me but I would not let that be your motivating factor as that is assuming you can control another, and that is something only they can do...believe me on that one.
Do yourself a favor and try a f2f meeting, then another. I'm sure you won't regret it.
