The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
I am on such an emotional roller coaster. One minute I want her to come home so we can start rebuilding our relationship, the next I want her to stay away for ever and let me move on with my life.
She has been away for the past 10 days, barely calls, and when she does she so full of venom and animosity. I am so frustrated because I want her to come home so that we can talk and make some decisions as to how we are going to handle this, and she continually says she is coming, and then makes another excuse to stay another day. Every day for the past 5 I have expected her home only to find out she has decided to stay where she is. I feel like a yoyo on the end of a string. I want to fix this or end it, but I am so frustrated that I want to do it NOW, not later. All four of our kids are supposed to be here this coming weekend, and I had hoped she would be able to come home so we could talk before that. Now it doesn't appear that she will be home until Friday when the kids get here. It's going to be so tense around here because we haven't been able to talk or discuss any plans or make any kind of decisions. I don't know if I want my kids to be here if things are going to be tense.
What makes ya think if you talk anything would change? What is that saying? "Actions speak louder than words?"
Seems to me her actions are telling you what she wants. ????
My A only calls when he wants pills, or money for gas (pills) or money for food (pills) or money for fines (pills)
He is nice to me becuz he wants something. He is at his moms becuz he wants to be there. I want to know, what about us?
There is NO us. He is showing me that. He could not care less about me. When IU was living in the barn cuz of him he did not care I had NO food or toilet.
Now his actions tell me, he does not care, he does not love me, he only cares about the drug.
He does not love his son, he never calls him. He is showing he does not care.
So I guess my friend, while holding your hand and saying this as tenderly as I can, What are her actions telling you?
What makes you wait? What are you waiting for? Is she running from you, or to you?
Alcoholics are generally very selfish. When they are on a program they work hard at not being selfish.
Anyway please keep coming and venting. We sure relate and understand!!
(((((((((((((Rory)))))))))))))))))) I can relate to that roller coaster ride. I have been on it for 4 years. Take her not returning until Friday as a blessing from your HP. It will give you yet another day to work on you. Enjoy the peace. I understand you want to talk before the kids are home. Allow the kids to visit and enjoy their company. Insanity doesn't go away after one good talk. It takes time to heal. My husband and I discussed insanity this evening. He drinks every night, and wants take out for dinner. I eat the take out and wonder why I have gained so much weight. Insanity doing the same exact thing day after day expecting a different result. New results won't occur until the pattern changes. Take a deep breath and know we are all here for you! You are in my thoughts.... Keep smiling :0) ODAAT
What are YOUR needs? If you remain focused on what it is that YOU need the choice that is necessary will become clear. Really there are ONLY two directions to go when addressing your needs, once you are confident with what YOU want for YOU. You either will decide that you will put YOUR needs on hold and give up who you are as a person OR you will decide that you can have your needs met in a healthy relationship.
I found during my roller coaster of up and down, the most difficult aspect was TRULY defining what it was I needed. Once I defined what I needed and there was NO confusion and then looked at my ex (b/f at the time) it became so clear that he could NEVER meet my needs or care for me the way I wanted and even more importantly DESERVED to be treated. With that realization, what strengthened it is knowing that he couldn't even take care of himself.
One of the most painful experiences I've ever had to make was making that split and even today I feel my heartache, BUT.... I have peace-- no more up and down roller coaster AND a closer relationship with God, success in my career, in seeking my degree. All because I made a difficult decision that ultimately brought me stability and direction in my life.
Sometimes people are only in our lives to teach us and help us grow in wisdom and learn a lesson about ourselves. I found the lesson I was to learn was that I had to be strong for me and seek the direction that was healthy and positive in my life for myself and children as difficult as it was to walk away from MANY people I truly love, including my own family. In turn, God has provided and continues to provide me with much successes and friends who love me dearly, classmates and coworkers that are positive and wonderful.
When my wife got out of rehab I too had plans for the future running through my head, I was so ready to talk about em. My wife on the other hand was not, I could see that and wanted badly to start these discussions, I didn’t however because I could tell she was struggling. This was an irritation to me because I had so much I wanted talk about. After I thought about it I find that I was looking for some sort of guarantee that things would be ok from here on out so we as a family could move on. This in effect would have placed unfair expectations on her as they would have been mine, regardless if she would have agreed to em or not. She, I can see is struggling with her own expectations of herself. She has a huge lifestyle adjustment she is working on and trying to accept, and I have decided to stay out of it and let her do this for herself at her own rate (If not for this site and f2f meetings I would be all over it though). Lord knows I have some adjusting and self discovery myself and some changes in me that I desire for me and that is where I need to be right now.
I have to accept that all things happen in gods time, not mine.
Mark S
P.S I would keep it lite for awhile when she does come home.
Thanks everyone for your excellent comments/suggestions.
Debilyn, actions truly do speak louder than words. Right now her actions are shouting at me, but I guess I need to choose whether to listen or not. She is sick, I know that. I am sick, I know that too. For today, I will choose to look at improving my own situation.
Odaat, thanks for your response, I will strive to enjoy my weekend with mine and her daughters, and hopefully with her as well. Time will tell, I am sure my patience will be tested.
TT, thanks for the excellent comments about setting expectations, just what I needed to read. Opened my eyes again. Also, your suggestions on how to approach her about talking is very good.
Sandie, I am trying to identify my needs, seems like it's been so long since I focused on my own needs and problems. Lots of work to be done there!!
Thanks Bonnie, always appreciate your comments.
Mark, what an eye opener! Thanks for your perspective. You are so correct, she's simply not ready to talk yet. She is trying hard to fix her own problems, I can't really expect her to be able to fix our relationship problems just yet. So frustrating though.
Wow,,,what great replies you have here :) The only thing that crossed my mind is that deciding to Not make a decision on something for now is making a decision. That way we are still in control and don't feel in such a state of limbo. People seem to think we have to decide things right now. But actually, we can decide to wait too. It's all up to you. your friend, cdb :)
when first sober (and i'm talking the first few years here :)), alcoholics are pretty mucked up. they are just new to feeling feelings without numbing them. they are really lost and trying to figure out who and what they are. their energies are 100% focussed on being sober. they are easily irritated and often impulsive in their actions and comments. Take NONE of it personally. remember, sick, sick sick.
we can easily take all of this and apply it to ourselves. when we are first in alanon, we are pretty mucked up. we are new to focussing on ourselves and are easily drawn into discussions about our feelings. we are really lost and are trying to figure out this new behavior called recovery. we are impatient and over-sensitive and thus easily irritaed and often impulsive in our actions and comments. remember, sick, sick, sick.
we didn't get sick overnight, won't get better over-night either. neither will they.
lighten up, focus on you and kids, don't get to heavy. lighten your expectations and you won't be let down :)
