The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
I am new to this site, but not to Al-Anon.It saved my life about ten years ago while my AH was actively doing drugs and drinking.I have been with my AH for 15 years, the last 7 ˝ he has been sober.
I have just recently become aware that not much has changed.I stopped going to Al-Anon shortly after my husband decided he did not need AA anymore.He was about 2 years sober.We were doing so good, we just let it go.There were moments when I asked him to go back, but somehow I convinced myself that he knew what was best for him.And of course I did not realize how much I still needed Al-Anon.
About a month ago I realized that I had increased anxiety and was getting depressed.I told my sober AH that I was feeling lonely and insignificant and his response to me was, I know exactly how you feel because I feel the same way.I was taken aback.Seriously?I had no idea that was coming.
I do remember him telling me that he was not feeling good over the past few months, but when I asked him Why? What about? Is there anything I can do? His answer was always, I do not know.
So, to make a long story short, he has moved out.We have started counseling and it is ugly.He said he is not willing to come home until the counselor says that things can change.By that, I think he means that he is not coming home until I can change enough to make him happy.The funny part of it is that all of his complaints are normal if we were normal, they would just be an argument.And there is very little acknowledgement of my feelings.
He never worked the steps and I believe that he has never forgiven himself.When I say I do not want him to buy a new car, he hears that he does not deserve a new car.It does not really matter what I say, he always hears the worst and it is a personal attack against him.
I am at a loss.I googled Dry Drunk and found the information to apply.Now I am terrified he may relapse and destroy us emotionally and financially.I love this man, but I have not been living in reality for the last 7 years.He is still the addict/alcoholic I married and I am looking for a glimmer of hope.
Do any of you have any ESH to share?I am back to Al-Anon and going to counseling on my own.He is in a month to month rental, spending more time with the kids than he has in months.
I am detached and working my program.I am just scared and a little numb.Not sure what is going on or what will happen in the future.
How ever long the journey and the time it takes...we always want to come back home.
Your post reminded me of a lesson I learned when I was crawling around on my hand and knees all over the place looking for solutions or just answers...just the facts Maam. "Alcoholics don't drink because they have problems they have problems because they drink." How does it relate? Try the Al-Anon twist... Al-Anon member don't have problems because they are trying to fix... they fix because they have problems. So the solution was for me to get in and stay in recovery regardless of anything else around me.
I haven't been married to a recovering or non-recovering drunk for years. I haven't had a drink myself for over 30 years. The last time I resorted to non-serene (Al-Anon version)...non sober (AA version) thinking, feeling and behaviors was yesterday and still under the influence of withdrawals from it at the moment.
For me Sober isn't only about not drinking and Serene isn't only about bitting down on my tongue and staying in a separate room from the "other". It is way more than that and that is why I go to meetings, listen, learn, practice, practice, practice and follow as many suggestions and I can take for the moment while leaving the rest for later.
I'm glad you are back home. The hotline number for Al-Anon is still in the white pages of your local telephone book.
Keep coming back. (((((((hugs))))))
-- Edited by Jerry F on Monday 30th of March 2009 10:06:09 PM
My husband quit drinking on his own and never entered an AA program, said he didn't believe in them. I've been living this dry drunk syndrome ever since. It's great that your back in your program, that is all that's kept me sane. My husband and I are seperated at this time and he is not attending counseling with me. I saw you mention that you thought that the A was not coming home until you could change enough to make him happy. That is just an impossiblility. The unhappiness is within himself and there is nothing you can do to MAKE him happy or MAKE him unhappy. Remember the three C's: We didn't cause it, we can't cure it, and we can't control it. I googled dry drunk after you mentioned it in your post. I didn't realize there was so much information on it out there, but I definitely have one, and I definitely understand.
I hope u find some f2f meetings again soon , just reading your post reminds me why i can't quit going to meetings . As one of my friends always says this is Alcoholism not Alcohol Wasm. It is just too damn easy to get complacent thinking all is well , and as we well know catching the A's mood just happens the same as when drinking . Dry drunks nothing changes except their not drinking . I live like that for 9 months that was enough for me . worse than drinking . good luck keep goin back to meetings and get the focus back on you again , hopfully hubby will do the same . Louise
Please know that you cannot contort or distort yourself to suit him. I mean of course you can try but its a horrible and harsh and unloving thing to do to yourself and goes against everything this program is about. I know I used to think I could contort myself into whatever was needed. I have learned I have limits and self-love and self-knowledge so I do not do that to myself anymore thanks to this program (one day at a time).
You are just fine as you are- we all have shortcomings and things we are working on, of course but your core is goodness for you are a child of god and HP has hands in your life right here and right now. You are beautiful. I hear shame in your post and that is stinking thinking in my book and is not going to help you at all here.
I am concerned that your couples therapist has some kind of say in "things changing"? I do not get that. It sounds like your A is seeking a guarantee and that just is not possible in this life in any way, shape or form.
You know what to do: keep going to as many meetings as you can each week. Connect with a sponsor. Read all the literature you can get your hands on. keep coming back here as much as you can. You will get better if you do this and YOU KNOW THIS!!! YAY!- leave him to his getting better in whatever way HP has in store for him. Keep the focus on YOU. Hugs, J.
I can certainly identify. My AH who is only about 8 months sober after starting to attend AA about 15 months ago decided 3 weeks ago that it was me that needed to change and I better start going to Al-Anon and working on myself because he was gonna be gone! He moved out, spewed angry words at me for days about all the wrongs I had done and then over the last few has decided to forget the past and try to move forward. And, I wonder if I am insane????
I have been attended about 3 Al-Anon meetings a week and do find a lot of serenity in them however it was quickly shattered the last couple of weeks by the AH's anger at me and all the wrongs I had done to him. I've also been going to counseling and just today got the AH to agree to see a counselor. He says there is no hope for our marriage working but for the sake of our 3 kids we have to get along so we might as well work on that!
Well, I know I didn't cause it, I can't cure and I can't control it!!
I also googled "dry drunk" and it sounds so eerily familiar.
This is one scary disease and the way it makes their minds think really does a number on those that love them.
