The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
Well it has been a week and still no counseling. My husband is being a sarcastic jerk telling me he is looking for just the right counselor.
Meanwhile my In-Laws are getting edgy. My MIL says she feels like she has lost her son, that he is so bitter and angry over what I am doing to him. She says she understands I am angry, but she says what about them, they have to deal with the drinking and the bitterness and it isn't fair.
I told her I was sorry they are having a rough time, but I have to do what is right for the kids and I, that he is still drinking and I will not take hime back, that he has choices and is making them. She said she could not put him out unless I assured her I would take him back. I told her I can't do that, he needs to get help, and he needs to find his bottom.
She is very upset and very depressed and taking anti depressants. She said they are trapped and don't know what else to do. I told her that while I sympathise with them, they have choices. I told her to set boundaries and stick to them, I said take control of your home back from him and don't accept unacceptable behavior. I told her to go to a meeting or speak with a counselor and read the package of information I gave them. She said he took that away from them, and I told her to take it back or I would get more for them. I said you do have choices. She told me he doesn't like ultimatums, so he is very bitter that I gave him one. I said he is making a choice. I told him he could not continue to drink and live here and I meant it. He chooses to not get help. He sayd he does not want to stop drinking and says it is not illegal and he can drink if he wants to. I said fine, but the kids and I will not live with it. End of story!
I do feel for them. They have started to open their eyes slightly, but they still baby him. They believe they are protecting him.
His Mom told me she loves him too much to throw him out, and that I wouldn't understand that. I told her yes I did. That sometimes it takes more love to do the right thing. I told her that I love him and my children enough to know we can't continue this way, and that I loved him too much to continue watching him kill himself. I told her she is wrong if she thinks this is easy on me.
All I can do is stick to my guns with him, and keep reminding his parents that I do understand, and keep offering to take them to a meeting.
I'm going to pick up some more things for them to read. Hopefully he will not get his hands on these. I know it is probably useless, but at least I feel like I am doing something.
She said he took that away from them, and I told her to take it back or I would get more for them.
yes,
This one I know. My husband shredded my newcomer packet materials.
he took my alanon books and locked them in his booze file cabinet.
I went to amazon and bought more books. This time I bought some for him: "living sober" and the AA blue book. I put them on his nightstand yesterday.
i am proud that you will bring them some more reading materials. Did you show them the "living sober" books? These I have found helpful to a person living with an active A.
I can hear your husbands manipulations through his parents. They really sound lost as to how to cope.
I admire your strength in dealing with them.
More sunshine today.......
Oh, and the counseling……….sounds like more of his BS…….
__________________
Megan
If you want things you never had you need to do things you have never done
Jeannie, Glad to see you holding strong for you and the kids. Just a thought but I have seen other members invite a relative to a beginners meeting to intro them to al-anon, I wouldn't like to attend same meeting all the time with em, but the inital meeting may be easier for em with someone they are comfortable with and see what its about, just a thought and maybe you already have given this some thought. Most importantly you are doing for you and the kids and that is great, keep it up.
At this point my In laws do not want any part of Alanon. They believe that it would be betraying him and they also say that they are not the ones with the problem he is.
They have only recently admitted he has a problem, in the past they condoned his drinking. Their way of me helping them is for me to let him come home. In the past they liked having him there, but they are elderly and sickly and the drinking and abusiveness if finally getting to them. At this point I don't think they will read the material even if he doesn't take it, but if I keep giving it to them, when they finally realize they need a life line, they have it.
I have asked them to go with me to a meeting. I have also offered to bring a counselor to their house to speak with them. They refuse.
They are not even willing to let the kids tell them how bad it was here. They have a very strong sense of loyalty to their son, and even with all he is putting them through, they still defend him.
They are convinced that if I let him come home, he will not be bitter any more, and he will not drink as much. Out of sight, out of mind.
They truly believe they have everyones best interests at heart.
All ya can do is plant the seed, and see ya did that. This thing really is a family disease. Glad your are so strong for you and the kids. Your a good mom Jeannie. I'm ashamed to admit (and I know its not funny) but I got a chuckle out of "They are convinced that if I let him come home, he will not be bitter any more, and he will not drink as much." If it were only that easy.
Well back to work, gonna have a good afternoon, hope you do as well
You are so strong! Whoooohooooo Way to work the program :) :) :) What a great example you are setting for your kids. If anyone is going to break the family cycle, you are. And you are doing it just by taking care of you. Wow, this is so awesome. I am so inspired by how far you have come. I guess I finally went to alanon when I myself hit my bottom. My husband hasn't gone yet but he sure does soak up the information he hears me talk about. He has gone to all the family meetings etc. So, maybe mom-in-law is soaking up things you tell her too. This can only have a positive effect on everyone. It may not change her behavior but it sure is being registered in her mind.
Do you ever talk to that person at work about this anymore? He seemed to have a positive impact on you too. HP/God is sure working in your life. Your husband may never stop drinking, but you and your family prove that you can go on and live a healthy life in spite of the disease. I am so happy for your right now. :) your friend in recovery,,cdb
WOW!! It is awesome that through so many obstructions in your life that you are sticking to your bounderies. It is sooo sad that your in-laws won't/don't see how they are enabling him. He will never hit his bottom while they continue to 'baby' him. I know they love him very much, as you do, and it is harder for elderly people to understand that it is truly you who is trying so hard to help him, any they are actually hurting him.
Maybe someday they will understand? I pray for your continued strength to keep to your boundaries. You're doing a terrific job and are an inspiration to us all!! :) Lotsa TLC to you!
Jeannie you are my inspiration. You have the backbone I wish I had. There is nothing you can do to help his parents more than you have already done, you have given them the information and it is now up to them what they do with it. You more than anybody know what they are putting up with and how they must be feeling. Detaching with love. Way to go.
