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Hello I am new here. My husband has been going to AA since Oct 8. He had been sober since then. Last night March 29 he bought a 24 ounce beer and said he wanted to prove to himself he could stop at one. He did. He said if he could he was not an alcoholic. My concern is he is and he put me thru h*ll before Oct 8th. He would drink one or two every day and then by the weekend he would drink everything in sight and come home when he wanted to and be the most awful person. I would ask him not to drink and he would drink even more. The last time I called his dad and he talked him into AA. He says he has been going there just because his dad and myself wants him to.
My question is what do I say when he comes home and says " I wanted a beer so I bought one." Well I just cried and now I am scared he is going to go back to staying out late and coming home drunk and let me say I have had to stop him from burning down the house, killing himself and other crazy things.
I don't know what to do or the correct thing to do. I know I cannot stop him and he has to do it for himself.
I experienced a simialr thing in my life last year. I started in alanon in July and then stopped buying the booze for my husband. I told him I would call his sister and tell her of his alcoholism. He stopped cold. For 5 good months. Then he started again. hard and heavy. he started as your A (alcoholic) did again 1 small beer, then more then back to the vodka and wine. he regressed fast. Here is what happened last night -when I got home I opened the outer door of the apartment and a stench hit me. I opened my apartment and was overwhelemed. My A had cooked and burned something and it smelled bad. He at least had the windows open. So I left and went out to dinner by myself.
I know the correct thing for myself is to better my own life.
I don't know what to do or the correct thing to do. I know I cannot stop him and he has to do it for himself.
This is true. If he is not ready then he will relaspe as you see has happened in my situation. When he relasped I cried and screamed too. I was in very very bad shape. I went on the chat room here and was able to benefit from others experience strentgh and hope.
My heart goes out to you, this is certainly a difficult time for you.
What to say when he says he wanted a beer so I bought one. I dunno. Maybe ignore it?
My ranting and raving about my A's drinking has not improved my situation 1 bit.
Do you attend face to face meetings? They are great as are the online meetings.
yesterday my brain as a fried scrambled egg. After the dinner alone I read the alanon courage to change readings for the week and they helped me put some things in perspective.
Be nice to yourself
__________________
Megan
If you want things you never had you need to do things you have never done
Hi....My heart goes out to you, too. My spouse had 10 years sobriety, then started up and drank again for 6 more years. After hiding it for one year, he then pretended to have just a beer. Well, I suppose that's how it started out, just a glass of beer, now and then, and then straight home to us.
Then it was mixed drinks.
I thought it will finally catch up to him Again, AND IT DID, three to four years later when his dad died. He really drank heavily and had a Love Affair with the booze, which he always did when stress mounted in his life--only this time it was grief. He didn't want to feel the pain of grief. I got hurt again in exactly the same way twice. He neglected me, and I would become indifferent and wonder if I should have a new fellow/husband to take his place, I could no longer get my emotional needs met in our marriage--(same train wreck twice for me!, and I would have a broken heart from emotional affairs/crushes.)
During the last 2 years, of his heaviest drinking, the disease progressed. I saw a man that I didn't even marry 24 yrs. before. I got back into Alanon. After 8 months of practicing detachment as recommended in Alanon, he sought AA. Well, 2 months of meetings, he quit AA. After that, I don't know what he did. He maintained he was sober. But the dry drunks were there, and he still went to slippery places. On Jan. 1st, of this year and all his farting around (of not taking his program seriously), I said we were not working out, and that there had been someone else I would have liked to have had, but neither of us were free. I guess he really didn't like what he heard that day, so he went back to AA on Jan 2nd and worked a serious program.
Things are definitely better now, not perfect, just better. We are once again at the two month mark of his being back in program, and I keep up w/my meetings. He is working 12 hr. shifts, so meetings are falling by the wayside. I do not dwell on this, but will make sure he doesn't go backwards--because I don't even wanna go there!
I am sharing my story with you, and can say from my experience--I wish I would have done this program the very minute I realized he was "back at it" instead of waiting until the last 2-3 years of heavy drinking, the death of his father (crisis time). Why? Because he drank to cover pain, he drank if it rained, he drank if it was hot, he drank to line up machinery/machines/equipment at the bars from the other men, he drank to play cards (fun) --he drank for you name it! It had become his life. I didn't begin to start taking care of ME-- SOON ENOUGH! Keep Coming Back.
Hi J and Welcome - You are where so many of us have been - we understand your pain.
Al-anon saved my life and my sanity. It helped me take my eyes off the a and take care of myself. It wasn't easy and didn't happen over night but little by little I began to feel better.
Keep sharing with us and get to lots of Al-anon meetings. When one member is thinking sanely the whole family situation improves.
Hi, and welcome. You are in the right place. The hardest thing to accept is that there is nothing you can do for him. You can only start taking care of yourself. He will only sober up when he really feels he needs to - your part in that is to stop, if you are covering up for him, making allowances for him, etc. Take care of yourself, be good to yourself, and make sure that your own needs are met. He may or may not sober up - your priority is to make sure you do not slide down into that black pit with him. This may feel disloyal or selfish, but it isn't. It is reality that you are no good to anyone - yourself, your family, your work, or your A, if you are in insanity with him. Please get to face to face meetings if you possibliy can, and read all you can of al anon literature, and about alcoholism in general. It may seem liek a paradox, but you cannot start to heal until you give up trying to solve the problem.
I want to thank everyone for their input. So what everyone is saying to ignore it and leave. The bad thing there is I have tried that a while back and he threatened to burn down our house. We just bought it last year. Last night after his dad talked to him about him slipping he came home mad. He said he feels everyone is trying to control him and he wants to be able to do what he wants to do. If that means hang out with his friends and drink then he should be able to. He then said he was going to leave so nobody could find him so he could do what the H*ll he wanted to do. I was all too pieces. I am past getting mad because that doesn't help but give him reason to drink so he says. I am working on not letting it bother me and it has to be him that wants to stay sober and for our marriage to work. I am 36 and I just want a normal marriage and maybe kids. So far none of that has happened. I don't have any parents to turn to, just a sis, and if it was up to her I would have already left. When you love someone so much that is easy said than done.
You would not be here if you did not very much love your husband.
For alot of us we put the needs of others before ourselves and become so enmeshed in someone elses' life and problems that we are no longer any help to them or to themselves.
Alanon is about us.
I hope you have insurance on the house.
Please try to find a face to face alanon meeting.
A good short book that helped me is "Getting them sober you can help"
It is on Amazon and maybe at your library
Take Care
__________________
Megan
If you want things you never had you need to do things you have never done
Hello Ifoy, not ignore it and leave, detach with love and get on with your life. Al-Anon will help you do that. every alcoholic I know would love to be a social drinker for m ost it;s not possible. It's one beer to day , one tomorrow and then there just isn't enough. Never know I guess some just have to keep trying to control it. I hope u are going to meetings for yourself , the best way I know to support our husb is to get our own program and stay out of thier face. Crying , begging , threatning changes nothing , but getting on with your life and get happy often brings the changes we wanted for so long, there is nothing u can do about him if he decides to make a career out of drinking again but alot u can do for yourself. Give us a few months before you make any big decissions, you will be calmer then and more able to m ake the right decission,for you and your family. I chose to stay in the marriage,we now have 16 yrs sobriety. me 19 al anon, neither of our programs promises to save our marriages but both promise to return us to sanity. and that was ok with me. good luck Louise
Thanks for all of the support. Last night A went to a meeting. He actually had to chair it. The guy who runs the meeting told him that it's normal to have slips and he had enough white chips to tile his bathroom. I don't take it so lightly because I was on the receiving end of the situation. I know one can lead to two. He told me last night he wasn't going to leave he was just mad because I had called his dad. I told him I can not handle this alone. I am already on anxiety medicine over this situation. He promised me he would not do it again. I told him don't promise me anything but take it one day at a time. I love him and I am going to try to make it work.
My question is if he does drink one or two do I stay and ignore that he has or do I confront him? He was only days from getting his 6 month chip and he slipped. I guess that's why I was so upset.
I thought he could do it and never drink again. I used to drink but I decided it wasn't worth it. I had no problem just stopping so I guess that's why it's hard for me to know why it is hard for someone not to stop when it hurts the other person in your life.
Thanks again for everyone's input it really helps.
man, i can understand how disappointed you must feel when he was so close to 6 months sober! i don't think anyone can begrudge you feeling disappointed. it is so hard when you are so close to the situation. hopefully time will help you see the bigger picture in this turn of events.
what i really relate to in your post is the threats he makes. i have learned over the years of many, many threats, that he makes those threats to get me going. to upset me, and try to control me. now, when he threatens to sell the house and move on, or threatens to quit paying the phone bill so i can't go on the comp anymore, or whatever ridiculous threat he makes...i just say, 'fine, go ahead. whatever you feel you need to do." cuz now i know they are just empty threats that he will never follow through with.
i know it can be scary that they really will follow through with these threats, but i'd bet my computer that they are just manipulative, control tactics. try not to bite and get upset. act like whatever he is threatening to do is up to him, and that you will be fine no matter what he does. it really helps that fire fizzle right out for them. (in my experience, anyway)
we are human, and are creatures of emotions. that part isn't going to change. keep taking your emotions to hp, your support people, here and in chat, if you can. living with a's is DEFINITELY an emotional ride!
My A had a slip Wed night. He didn't come home on time and that was a warning sign for me so I knew what was coming. When he got home he had had 6 24oz beers and said he could not stop drinking. He loved it and he did not want to go to AA. He ate supper and got ready to leave again. I said I would drive him anywhere he wanted to go. He wanted to go hang out with some guys who do not have wives and just sit around and drink all the time. He said he loved going over there and I was not going to stop him from that.
I said ok let me drive you. I tried to stay calm the whole time. When I dropped him off I fell all too pieces. I know you should think of yourself and try to forget what he is doing. It's not so easy when you got married things were so different and you remember that. Both of my parents are deceased, but if I had my mother around I would've packed my bags and left and probably not go back until I can get some rest from the situation.
Thursday night he went back to AA because he was supposed to chair the meeting, He came back and said he was not going to drink again. I told him not to make promises and get my hopes up because It's horrible when they slip and you see this person who is a total nightmare.
My A is so sweet when not drinking when he is not ill. When he drinks he could care less what I say or feel. I am so ready to leave but I love him and I guess I will try one more time. I just need all the prayers I can get. My sister put me on several prayer chains in several churches. I just to have faith and put it in the Lord's hands. I just wish he would put a heavy burden on my A's heart and see what it is doing to me.
Waiting and watching for them to slip is surely some sort of torture, you will drive yourself insane if you keep doing it. No matter what you have to accept that if he does slip, there is nothing you could have done to stop it.
I have often told myself that if I had even a penny for all of the promises my husband has made and broken, I would be very rich.
I know it is so much harder to put detaching into action, especially when you love the person. It hurts, and knowing that you didn't cause it doesn't make the hurt go away. I too have always wished for a "normal" marriage, but sadly marriage to an alcoholic is about as hard as it gets. I always swore that my husbands drinking sucked the very life out of me.
The only thing you can do is keep working your own program and keep praying and hoping. Don't accept the promises, if he is seriouse about recovery you will know it in time. Hold to your own boundaries and keep taking care of you. Try to get to meetings and keep coming here to vent.
I too have often wished my husband could feel even a little of the burden his drinking has put on all of us. But I truly believe he does, it is just that this disease either makes it that he doesn't care, or can't deal with it.
