The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
i know others have written about detaching and really dont even know what i need to do at this point, so here goes,
my daughter has been clean from meth for 6 1/2 mths now- she has been doing fantastic etc.
she was living in sober/ recovery for 6 mths and i never worried about her know she has to stay accountable. Just recently she got her own apt and that when i started to worry once again.
this past weekend was her bday-23-she came up to stay for the weekend and enjoy easter dinner with us. We currently have her 4 yr old daughter during the week so she can work and she comes up on the weekend and gets her and brings her to her place. this weekend she stayed cause of easter, anyway, she asked if she could go out after daugher went to bed and see her friends for her bday. i gave her the rules- be home by 1 am no later.
well 2 am came and she said she was on her way home..... 7;30 am she rings the doorbell. Said she went out drinking, lied to me when she left where she was really going. Said she had too much to drink and didnt want to drive. said she was sorry for lying.
ok so now what do i do? is she starting to drink instead of drugs>?
i want to let go so bad and either write her a letter telling her my heart and also set MORE boundaries and point out how she appears to be walking down that old path once again.... or do i just not say a thing, no contact for a while. I just recently started reading the alanon books courage to change and the step book.
i dont want to worry and think ahead- i know i do that with all the what ifs... i dont want to walk thru another drama with her all over again. And she is supposed to be taking daugher in sept full time. ahhhhhhh
i know someone out there has walked thru this- i am open for dialog.
I've not been in your particular situation, but have raised two daughters that had a mind of their own, putting it mildly. One of them is a single Mom with 2 kids.
I believe your daughter has created the need for you to set new boundaries. If it were me, that would be her one and only chance for babysitting while she went out (considering her previous problems and knowing the rules). You gave the rules, she broke them. She knows better. IMO, No childs mother should be out drinking all night or getting too drunk to drive home, especially when she only sees the child on weekends.
Yes, she's young and partying is fun at that age, but evidently she chose to have and keep this child so her priorities should ALWAYS put that child first. Having a previous addiction, she should be very concerned about trading one for another.
You are already doing her a great favor, and perhaps a little enabling by keeping her child through the week. I understand though, as day care costs are as much as some people make.
There is state aid for child care. In my daughters case they don't pay all, but at least make it affordable to her. I'm not sure how she manages to make ends meet on $9.00 an hour, but she does it. It's a hard road, but also one she chose. I watch the kids occasionally when she has to work weekends and there is no day care, but that's about it unless I ask for them just because I'm Gramma :)
Christy
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If we think that miracles are normal, we will expect them. And expecting a miracle is the surest way to get one.
I have not been in a situation similar to yours but I did want to let you know that you are not alone. I'm glad you had the courage to post a message and be so honest with yourself on this issue. It would be much tougher if you were willing to live in denial today.
It sounds to me like redefining your boundaries may not be a bad idea. Do you have a sponsor? If so, maybe you can talk to them about this. Do you attend face to face meetings? That might help too.
No matter what, know that you are always welcome here and that this program does work. Sometimes quickly, sometimes slowly. You will be in my prayers.
Love and hugs, Jessi
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If you want something you've never had, you have to do something you've never done.
What a wonderful place to come and gain support from total strangers!
thank you all for your wisdom.
so this week i have decided to detach and not worry or call and remind her of anything. No emails asking if she did all she had to, did she go to work etc.
And guess what, she emailed me today saying hi- just wanted to touch basis , havent heard from you all week. etc and and by the way mom, just wanted to let you kow i went to my drug class- court ordered class.
i wrote back a short note- saying i have been very busy etc and glad to hear you went to class, proud of you.
ahhh i feel better already.
i am currently not attending any face to face meetings, but am planning on starting next week.
week two of letting go, and its still going well. I stopped calling her and emailing with questions and she continues to call and update me on her days.
I am learning to not worry about the what ifs and just try and think on good things to happen in her life. i dont feel nervous when i think of her and she is actually being very nice to me.
