The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
After so much time living alone with my problem, I found you on the internet. I have been reading posts most of the morning. I feel a little better already-did not realize there were so many others like myself.
My husband and I are in our mid-30's, with two teen girls living at home. We have been married 14 years. The last 6 of those my husband has been an alcoholic. I have been very good at hiding this from family and friends until recently when things have started coming loose at the ends. He does not go to bars and drink. He works a good job full-time, comes home every day on time, performs all normal maintenance on the home, vehicles, and yard. Not much I can complain about there. He will stay in the garage and drink all night, only coming up for dinner then right back down to garage.
The past few months he is drunk enough by 8 or 9pm that he has begun going to bed earier and earlier. I do not know if this is normal or not. I did not realize the stress taking it's toll until last week I went to the dentist-I have been clenching my teeth so hard in my sleep that a cracked one badly enough that it has to be removed. My blood pressure is very high and now needs controlled with medication. This weekend it all came to a head, when he went to a hotel then was trying to find an apartment-he said he wanted a divorce. But last night he says he loves us and he is sorry and has changed his mind. I had already told my brother and my parents he was leaving and why. I was surprised to find out they already noticed his drinking problem. They all think I should kick out my husband and make him stay gone. Part of me knows that is the right thing-but most of me loves him, the kids love him, I do need the income, and don't want him to go. I know what he is really like, and he is a good person.
What a horrible mess I've gotten myself into now. I am not quite brave enough to go to a meeting, but I found you while surfing. I feel like this is my last hope for now. I have no ideas at all where to begin. I don't want to disappoint my family-they think my husband is divorcing me and now they are happy. I'm not sure that is the immediate answer, but I'm afraid they won't want to be around me anymore if I don't follow through. Gosh. This is much harder than I thought it would be. As I read back over what I have just written, it sounds pretty sad, even to myself. He just got his 2nd DUI while he was out of state-my daughter and I had to drive 6 hours to get him out of jail, which cost us around $5000 after all the legal fees and fines. I had hoped this would bring him around, but now he has me drive him-he doesnt drive unless it is to work.
Sorry if this sounds a litle rambling-I'll get the hang of it. Any advice would be appreciated. I would also like to participate in the on-line meeting if someone can give me brief summary of how to do it. Thank you for your time.
Do not make choices based on others needs. You must be able to live with yourself with your choices, and now may not be a good time to make those choices. Never make choices that'll affect your life greatly if you have a confused mind, or are in despair, or out of anger. Keep coming here. Although sometimes we can get vital information or empathy, not sympathy, from face to face meetings. If you're afraid of the meetings, know that we all were. You can go to a meeting & choose to say absolutely nothing, until you're ready, whenever you're ready. You could also help by reading some of the CAL literature. I found quite a bit of it at the library. Give the meetings time, each one is different. Over time you'll be able to sort out your mind better, clearer, with decisions you'll be able to live with. The motto here is one day at a time. Make small steps, small plans just for today.
chat rooms are for anyone to chat, no formal anything. Some vent, some are in a bad mood, some in good mood, some talk of their lives dealing with A, some are talking about the weather & cars. Get it? If you want to chat, jump in & ask if you wish to ask a ?, or share your feelings, most have been happy to change the everyday common subject to help another out.
Online meetings are formal & have a pattern. The main host will state what the meeting is focused on. We try to stick to that focus for that particular meeting. Then if you wish to speak/type (haha), you type in a (!) They know & you are then in line for your turn. Until your turn, you say nothing, don't interupt the other speakers until your turn. It's a sharing meeting where we learn from others, their mistakes, their solutions, their feelings, or their venting, etc.
Face meetings are very much the same, except I noticed a few differences. During a face meeting, you can if you wish, throw away a negative (like control, fear, anxiety). The format is pretty much the same. Near the end you pick up a positive like (doing for yourself, not focusing on the alcoholic, reading more CAL books, etc). After the meeting is over some get together for lunch, chat, coffee, whatever.
I've been to two different groups of meetings. They were wonderful with my initial fear, crying, and just not knowing how things work.
A book called (CAL ) approved, "How Al anon works...." is a good book I got from the library that explains just what it says. I found alot of answers on how this program works.
Most important don't be discouraged by one meeting, sometimes you get a little, sometimes a lot. The more you put into al-anon, the more you get from it. On those days I get only a little, I like to think that that day I didn't need so much. Good luck, come back & then come back again, and again, and again!
So glad you are here 2kats2kids. You are in the right place. I would recommend that you try face to face meetings. Online meetings are good when you have no other options, but face to face meetings are the best. Don't be afraid, you will be welcomed warmly. As far as your alcholic is concerned, you can love the alcoholic, but not the disease. Love him for who he is behind the alcoholism. This is called detachment. The next thing you will learn about in alanon is boundaries. Rescuing, hiding bottles,covering up for the alcoholic, paying bills for the alcoholic that they inccur while drinking are all things that every alanon member has done. Your are not alone there. But those are also the things that hurt us, our families and our finances. It also keeps the alcoholic from facing their mistakes. Setting boundaries and letting the alcoholic face the consequences of their actions takes the focus off the alcoholic and places it on you so that you can take care of you. Welcome to alanon glad you are here, you will find alot of comfort and support here. SenoraBob
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Higher Power doesn't always wrap presents in pretty paper.
It is helping me to understand the INSANITY of the life I am leading.
I was in such pain last July that I could not take it anymore.
I would buy a big bottle of vodka every day and bring it home. Then my alcoholic drank it. And was drunk 24/7. And became very ill. his legs swelled up and his pee was brown. He could barely stand even.
Something was wrong. I searched around on the web and found alanon. I found a meeting and went. I cried the whole time silently. Tears of relief, I was not crazy after all. I was in an insane situation that is why I felt confused. Then I stopped "enabling" my husband - buying the booze - a real DUH but an important and tenuous boundary as he got mad when no booze came home........ Then he quit drinking and we had 5 good months.
Now he is back at it hard and heavy. But I:
no longer buy the booze
no longer sit around waiting for life to happen
take care of ME - it's what I DO have control over
Through the alanon program I am growing stronger and stronger.
I recently told my family and have gotten a variety of reactions, all supportive.
But they don't know what I will tell on this board:
The insanity and ugliness of my daily life.
That I still very much love my husband and hate the alcoholism
All the things we can share freely here with the best audience in the world- people who have been there, are there and can relate.
I like the 3 C's - I didn't cause it I can't cure it and I can't control it.
again welcome
Megan
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Megan
If you want things you never had you need to do things you have never done
I agree with many of the suggestions and certainly the welcomes to you here. You are in the right place. This is a safe zone for you to share in. You no longer have to keep the rules of an alcoholic home here: don't talk, don't think and don't feel.
We don't give advice but we are here to listen. I am always grateful when someone new finds us because it reminds me of how far I have come in my two years in the program. For now, I urge you to keep coming back. It will get better. And whatever you don't understand about Al-Anon will come in time too.
Love and hugs. Jessi
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If you want something you've never had, you have to do something you've never done.
You sound like you could be describing much of my life, except I have 3 kids (and 2 dogs...2 gerbils...fish.....it just keeps going!). Glad you found this site, I just found it a month ago (thank google) and it couldn't have come at a better time. I was involved in the program 17 years ago briefly, before the internet, but had to leave when my alcoholic hubby found out and was angry with me for going (thought I was airing all the family dirty laundry, little did he know), but I gained enough tools from that brief period of going to get me through the last 17 years of living with a "functional alcoholic". Mine, like yours, has a good job, so to the outside world everything seems just fine. He never drinks in front of his family, as if he is afraid of what they will think (never mind what his wife/children think).
He has never had a DUI, but I have told him on many occasions that if he ever does to call someone else, cause I ain't coming to his rescue. This is one of many tools that Alanon has given me...to not be an enabler. He gets very angry with me when I refuse to buy his booze, but that is his problem, not mine. Last summer I decided for myself to give up drinking any alcohol, and he is now angry with me for that, but that is his problem, not mine.
Come to a meeting if you can, sit back and watch, or share if you feel like it. but mostly keep coming back. It takes time, and you will make changes and start to feel better without even realizing it is happening. This program works if you work it. Hope to see you at the meeting!
glad you found us. I have been in this magical place for five years now. It has been so mjch a part of my life.
I am not sure what mess you have gotten yourself into. I believe my A has a disease. It is no different than when they found the brain tumor and he became brain damaged. I had to learn to accept him as is and learn alanon skills and live them, or have him go away.
I too love my a very much. Through alanon you can learn to take care of you and your kids and also love your a but detach from the disease.
There are so many skills we can put into place. For instance not answering for them. No hiding their disease from others. That is not my job. Not telling anyone else my marriage business is another one for me. Most people who don't know alanon, don't understand what makes us stay with them.
Sure we can leave or have them go, but they are still our kids parent and we still love and miss them. How can we throw away someone who has such a horrible brain disease?
Some people can walk away, like I have posted before, some people leave when their wife gets breast cancer, or he gets lung cancer and they can go on with their lives. Some people love forever and want to stay.
Your post was very good. It told a lot about you. My husband hides his using too. He is so ashamed of it. I am sure your husband feels so guilty and ashamed and that is what made him say he was going to leave. I learned not to listen to what he said, but watched what he did. My a always said he was leaving, commiting suicide and divorcing. Hurt at first, then I realized it was all bs.
And if it were true, well there is the door.
For me self care is making sure I am set up financially, vehicle, and home. I don't have to dependant on a sick man for anything. I wish I had his love, but his love is using. I am learning to llive with out his love now. Been years but I am getting better.
I love the book, "Getting Them Sober." It is easy to read and for me the best.
Please keep coming back, make sure you book mark this spot. We need you too! Love,debilyn
Hi - Welcome - glad you found us. You are suffering from the same disease as the rest of us and it's very lonely.
I would suggest calling an Al-anon number if there is one in you phone book - and if not call the AA number and ask to have an Al-anon person call you. She will arrange to either take you to a meeting or meet you at the meeting and make you welcome.
Sometimes all a person can do at the first few meetings is listen and cry - and that's ok - you'll find you feel better when you leave and you'll get love and lots of hugs.
I wanted to first say thank you to all who responded. I was surprised yesterday with the first few responses, then encouraged that there is hope for me to feel better about myself, even if I cannot fix my problem with my husband. I really felt like there was no solution at all. Then I could not wait to get up this morning to read over the words of hope and encouragement! I feel so good today as I head off to work. Not perfect, but better.
I took some of the advice I had read on the message board yesterday. When I got home from work, I got my kids, my neice and nephew, and we went to the movies. That is something I had not done in ages since my husband drinks before the movie then falls asleep in the theater. I always was too embarrassed so I avoided the movies completely. I had a great time. I missed my husband not being there at first, but I was so glad to be out and doing something I enjoy. Tomorrow I plan to take my parents shopping. I have not spent much time with them either, since I was kind of embarrassed about my husband's drinking. If he can't participate then I guess he will have to stay at home, but off we are going to go!
It feels weird to leave my husband behind on these trips. I usually choose to not go anywhere at all if he doesn't want to go too. But I am also excited to get out of the house and clear my head. I know it doesn't solve anything, but Spring is almost here and I want to see some of it this year!
I want to try to find an Al-Anon meeting not too far from home. I'm still trying to work up the courage to go without being embarrassed or ashamed. I have decided for now not to tell my husband I have found this board or that I want to go to a meeting. I'm not sure what he will say.
Thanks again for your help. I plan on just taking one day at a time. It seems much easier than looking at my whole big picture right now, which is too painful to think about. I plan on trying the online meeting also in the near future, and I am ordering some of the books that were suggested off of the internet. Talk to you soon.
So glad you have found us, Keep Coming Back. Yes, we get physically, spiritually, mentally ill living with an alcoholic. They have a disease that can kill them and us. My BP used to be high, but by getting to alanon meetings in person and working with my doc w/meds and lifestyle changes--my BP is almost back to normal !
I cannot say enough about Alanon ! It is the best de-stresser I found. (Keep up the good work with your doctor!)
Way to go! One can see you're feeling better just by what you typed in your second message. It is great to get back into the world isn't it. Took me a long time to realize that too, but lately I have been calling on what few friends I have left (I lost too many to this disease) and we have been going out for walks..doesn't cost a thing but the benefits are priceless!
SenoraBob
