The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
This is just getting so old. Wednesday morning my A boyfriend actually wanted to discuss why I'm so "detached" and/or depresed. So I told him all the ugly things he does and calls me when he's drunk. He apologizes and says he doesn't mean it, won't do it again, etc. etc etc. I'm thinking - yeah maybe he won't - he's never actually asked me about it before and whenever I tried to bring it up when he's sober he's gets mad at me and says I concentrate too much on his drinking.
Well - Wednesday he didn't have one drop to drink and it was so pleasant. We had a really nice evening and I didn't feel like all the ugly names he calls me.
Unfortunately - Thursday he had to stop at a bar after work. Calls and says he'll be home in 15 minutes (this is after he's been there for about 45). He sounds okay. Well - about 50 minutes later he actually makes it home. Drunk - as usual. Stumbling around, being verbally abusive.
And that day I left work early to see a doctor to find out what I can do because since this verbal abuse has started I've gotten high blood pressure (and mine has always been the epitome of "normal"), and I get stomach aches and headaches and feel like I'm walking on eggshells and I just want my "life" back. I don't expect it to be perfect, but I just can't see me living the rest of my life like this.
I'm just so dissappointed, everything goes back to how it was - I thought maybe there was a little bit of a breakthrough but I am proved wrong. How many second chances do I have to give him. I'm so quick to forgive and forget, but I'm getting tired of being the only one who is making compromises. I hate to sound selfish - but what about ME. I just really feel like the fool again.
I feel bad for you having the physical symptoms of stress.
I can sure relate. I think my ulcer is coming back and I am struggling to make myself exercise every day to help control my blood pressure -which too was also normal.
I too have had my A (husband) quit drinking for days once for 5 months. When he does not drink things are great.
Then, like clockwork he drinks.
He is less verbally abusive because I no longer listen to it.
This is what I do:
leave the house
go to the mall,
go to the library
check into the hotel
If the weather is bad or it is late at night and I can't walk to these places I take a long hot shower. By the time I am out he has lost interest.
Please please try to take care of yourself.
It really is all we can control
PS My A is passed out on the couch for the day....
I will: pick up the car I rented, go shopping, go to a meeting, go to the NYC auto show tomorrow and dinner with family. WITHOUT HIM. he makes his "choice" by continuing to drink.
take care
__________________
Megan
If you want things you never had you need to do things you have never done
Megan sure had some great tips for you on how to take care of you. Yes, it does get old. I feel fortunate in that my daughter is the alcoholic and we can let her into our house or ask her to leave when she is drunk. This hasn't happened yet and will be difficult if and when it happens but for us that is an option. We did 53 days ago call the police and have her arrested when she was brought here drunk, violent, verbally abusive but most of all a danger to herself and others. She was living with us at the time and now lives in her own apartment. I am sure I would not let her drive drunk, and probably would drive her back to her place if and when this could happen. Yet, most times we have no control over this either.
The women's abuse centers also have 24 hour phone numbers a person can call with free counseling and groups to go to for help on how to deal with a verbally abusive person. They keep your contact totally confidential. I am not sure how understanding they would be about alcoholism/drug addiction but it is just another resource a person can use to help ourselves and keep the focus on us.
It seems when we make changes it changes the people around us. It is great that you are detatching and that your boyfriend is noticing that. I sure can't answer how long a person has to deal with an alcoholic, but I do know that you can only answer that question for you. It sure helps to read about others situations here too. Some have left and some have stayed. Some have endured more of the same stuff and some have seen their lives restored to serenity with their alcoholic/drug addict.
Just keep coming here for support and keep going to f2f meetings. Work your program. Right now you are not being selfish, you are doing what the alanon program teaches which is to focus on us. They also teach detatching with love which I cannot explain now, but I am certain if you post about it or ask in the chatroom someone can help you understand the with love part easier than I can. Keep us updated. cdb :)
I can totally relate to what you are saying. My b/f, who is an A, used to do the same thing to me. He would accuse me of becoming detached from him, building up walls.
I have had a hard time with this lately, even though we split up 5 months ago! My, how things continue to come out of the woodwork and get to me. This week marks my 1 yr anniversary in Al-anon, it's a celebration for me, but at the same time, the timing is bringing up the feelings that I had a year ago that brought me here to begin with.
I set my boundaries, and he told me that he had to drink because he couldn't deal with me being so distant. I was kind and caring and supportive, and he told me he had to drink because I was "so good" that the pressure of trying to measure up put him under too much stress. When I shouted back, he compared me to the man who molested him 25 years ago. He told me that he was with ME out of pity, because I am so ignorant that I could not withstand a relationship "in the real world". I could go on, but I know we all have heard this before, it's a common thread in the stories of all of our lives.
What I have learned in the past year is that no matter how much we detach and set boundaries, it will not change the behavior of the A in our lives. We have no control over alcohol, or them for that matter. It changes us, and all that we can control is how we react, how much we let the comments and accusations upset us, how much we understand the depth of this horrible disease. I did my part- I did my best, put more effort into the relationship than I ever could have imagined. In the end, it wasn't the right time and place for both of us, and we both had to accept that. It doesn't have to be that way for everyone. One of the first things someone told me when I came here was that "Moving on doesn't have to mean moving out", and I so appreciated the sentiment. I was so sick of hearing people tell me to "dump the loser" and ask why I would get myself into something like I did. He is not a loser, he has a disease, and if the answer was that easy to come to me, I may have found a resolution long ago. It's so hard seeing someone you love be eaten away by this disease. It's even harder when the confusion sets in- is this him talking, or is it the disease? We often overlook the fact that we are dealing with the complications of having a relationship, and having a relationship with an alcoholic. The challenges we face in our relationships grow exponentially when the factor of alcohol is factored into the equation.
It's hard, but hang in there for yourself. The most valuable thing I have gained from my Al-anon experience is rekindling the relationship I have with myself. Getting to know me better has been a blessing. I wish the same for you, and for all of us.
~Cara ("cabecka")
"What lies behind us and what lies before us are tiny matters compared to what lies within us." Ralph Waldo Emerson
A compromise is when both parties give up something, & get something in return. If one party gives & the other takes, it's then a gift.
It can only go back to the way it was if you go back to your old self (non-al-anon ways). 1 + 0=1. If you stick with the steps & al-anon, it can't possible go back to the way it was, for you will be the different part of the equation, 1+1=2, so there will be a different ending.
The most shocking thing I learned was that he didn't take my life away, I gave my life away.
I too wanted my life back, and it didn't happen until I took my life back. You say, "what about ME?" I say what about you? What do you do for you? Definetly see the doctor for your health, then put on some shoes, so you don't have to feel the eggshells when you step on them. Then go running, walking, or dance with headphones on. Whatever makes you happy, do something each & every day for yourself!!! The more time you spend on yourself, the less time you'll focus on his problems. You'll see yourself become stronger each day, maybe he'll want some of your new found happiness, and maybe not. But in the end, you'll have done good for yourself!
Thank you so much everyone for your thoughts and suggestions and experiences. Just to know that I can post and vent is such a huge help.
I'm hoping that once the weather warms up (good grief - will it ever?) and I can spend time in the garden that I'll feel better. Right now it just seems like I'm just waiting.....
You know they have indoor little gardens you can grow, while you're waiting. Unless that was a analogy. In the meantime, don't wait, find some other thing that makes you happy!! Happy Easter to you & your loved ones.
When someone has a cold are you upset every time they sneeze?
Soon you will learn that why even bother being disappointed or frustrated over that which you have no control.
Also A's relapse, go to rehab, lie, work hard at sobriety, dry drunk, feel horribly guilty, hurt, they are A's. NONE of the symptoms surprise me anymore or make me feel anything.
When my A said he had something to tell me I thought omg he does not love me anymore, LOL no it was he drank and did H and tried to kill himself.
He thought I would be mad. I felt sad he was so sick but it was no surprise at all.
Anyway do not be hard on yourself. Becuz each time it happens you will respond less and less. You will be so into what you ar doing, you will just love him as is and not look forward to better or breakthrus.
I remember saying, dang the disease got me again. But it did less and less. Now i don't remember the last time.
anyhoo glad you are here, and YES you are making progress!!! love,debilyn
("cabecka")