The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
Right now I am having a really hard time with guilt. In my head I know it is not mine, but my heart hurts, and I am angry that I am feeling this way.
My Mother-In Law called me today, her and I have not had a great relationship in the past, but I have been trying, and I know they are trying in their own way. She said she needed to talk to me about something important and from her tone, I knew it was serious. She told me that my Father-In-Law has been diagnosed with Parkinsons and it is advancing rapidly, she said the valve in his heart was leaking as well. He had a replacement about 8 years ago, and I know he has not been looking well. He is choosing not to have another surgery, because of his age and poor health.
She then went on to tell me that they could not take this much more. That my husbands bitterness and drinking is driving them nuts and that she is even on anti depressants but still doesn't want to get off the couch. She told me he is so angry and hurt and is screaming at them, drinking constantly and making their life a living you know what.
I told her that they do not have to accept this behavior, they can set boundaries, it is their home. She said that since finding out about his Dads illness, he drinks even more. How typical of him, but she is still making excuses for him. He's scared, he's afraid his Dad will die, he's lonely, he misses me, the kids, etc.
She asked me to please speak to him. I told her it would do no good, that he knows what needs to be done, but he refuses to get help. He continues to blame and make excuses and drink.
She told me this is going to end up killing one if not both of them, that they have had it. That he refuses to even talk to them civily unless they make me do something. Either take him back, or let him spend time eith the kids.
She had me in tears. I told her I can't, that I am sorry, I want to help but I can't. I told her that they should go and talk with someone, that they do have the power to stop him from destroying them. She said I don't understand. They cannot put him out, he is their son, she said they are ashamed of what they have created, but they can't put him on the street. They just want to send him home.
I hate that it has come to this, and with all the bad they have done to me over the years, I hate what this is doing to them. No one deserves this! They are elderly, they should be able to enjoy the time they have left. I know I am not to blame. I know that it is their son, who is doing this to them, no the daughter in law they have always hated. I am the one ripping myself apart over this and crying.
I know that this mans death will not be on my shoulders, so why does it feel like it is hanging there already?
I am not wonderwoman! I can't do it all. I don't have the luxury of breaking down, I am all the kids have left. I'm tired, tired of being expected to have all the answers, tired of being blamed. Why is it even his parents, are looking for me to be the grown up?
Mom falls apart and the kids all panic. Maybe I have fooled them all too long that I am "that" strong. But I'm not. I feel like running away to an island where no one depends on me to be strong, or to hold it together.
I didn't do this, I didn't make him a drunk. I didn't make his parents sick. I'm not the one who babied him. I did choose to have six children, and I have never regretted that for a second, and in my heart I knew what he was, and that he wouldn't change, and I guess I always knew I would be doing it alone.
I put up walls ad I feel like him and his parents are there with axes trying to tear them down, and I feel so damned guilty!
just know that you are not alone and that we all have moments like this . I wish that I had the strength that you have right now , remember that you are doing the right thing for you and your kids . You did not cause it , you can't control it and you sure can't cure. We all know that alcoholism is a family disease , it is a shame what his parents are going through yet that's not your mess , thats not your garden .
Its ok to break down and feel vulnerable and angry we are all human regardless of the circumstances .
allow yourself to feel surrender your will to HP and let go
((((((((((major hugs))))))))) First of all Jeannie, I need to share about my 76 year old dad. He has parkinsons. He has an artificial heart valve that is a mechanical one. He has a triple pacemaker and a defribulator controlling his heart too. He has two artificial knees. WE almost lost him a couple months ago and the doctors still don't know what his so called 2 Life crisis episodes were all about. He gets minnie strokes from possible leakage or blood clots from his heart valve. My dad is responsible for his health. Your father-in-law is resposible for his health. My dad has chosen to have live threatening surgeries when he has had to have new defibrulators in, because of Staff infection going up his lead wire. He almost died. I can go on and on. He is not an alcoholic :). This is a horrible disease! But your father-in-law still has choices and responsiblity for his own health. My dad even is caring for my mom who is in the beginning stages of alzheimers. Just remembered that one too.
The craziness of alcoholism is awful! My daughter has shown us how horrible alcoholism is and can be to families. Detatching with love right now is your survival must. Relying on us and your HP/God is a survival need for you right now too. WE as parents, have to hang in for our kids. WE have to take care of us.
I am very amazed at how you handled the phone conversation with your MIL. Wow! It sounds like I could get lessons from you. :) Now, time to calm down,,come here for support and relax so your kids can relax too. Give yourself alot of credit for coming here for support,,,,pat yourself on the back because you are trying and will be holding yourself together for your kids right now and you will be thankful in the future that you did for first YOU and second YOUR children.
I will say prayers for you and I know that people that read your post and do not reply, do indeed say prayers too.
There are meds for parkinsons,,etc. etc. Your FIL has many options. Your MIL can go to alanon or come here. They all have their HPs too. Right now , you are the most important one and your HP knows it.
Keep us posted. God Bless,,,,cdb saying prayers for you right now....
I appreciate the support and kind words. I am having a pitty party with myself tonight. I had a good cry and a bowl of ice cream and am feeling a little better.
Cdb, thanks for letting me know about your Dad, it helped a lot. I know my Inlaws have choices, but it gets so tiring to have them dumping everything on me.
He is causing them so much pain, yet they still treat him like a spoiled little king and then complain to me. It gets old.
For years they came between us, and denied that his drinking was a problem. Now that they have accepted it, they seem to think I have all the answers. They don't want any part of Alanon, in fact it seems to me they just want him to be here, so they don't have to deal with his drinking.
I am trying to keep the lines of communication open. There have been so many abusive years between us, and so many years of them denying he had a problem. Now that they see it, I don't want to shut the door. Maybe for my own sanity I should.
I'm just tired. I'm on vacation next week and so are the kids. maybe the weather will turn and we can do some gardening or something fun. Even just sleeping a little sounds good.
So sory that you got that phone call. Please do not feel guilty!!!!!! You have done nothing wrong. What I have read is that you are putting your children first and your self aswell. It is amazing that the inlaws and parents feel that the spouces have to and are expected to pick up all the pieces and make everything better. My dad has pulled that with me once and I so got mad at him. While I was reading I was thinking I wonder if your MIL expects your children to see their dad that way and for him to treat you and you kids that way. She must think that meraculasly he will change if you let him home.... Nieve.... I don't know all the particulars but my husband when he gets awful is 100 times worse than he would ever treat his parents. You sounded calm and I would have totally gone balistic... Good for you for being so strong... Jeese when I am feeling like you are I cut everyone off and you have been so calm. I am and always have been out spooken which is sometimes not a good thing but I have learned in the past that letting others (fam members) blame me for things that I have no control over and worried about what they think or push on me would make me sick so now I am brutally honest and tell them how I see it and how it is.. tooo bad for them. Leave me alone kinda thing which when I first came to alanon I had to do. My family had me in the middle of everything and pulling me every direction. I had my break down. This room saved me from unhealthy thoughts!!!!!!!!!!!!!
I will pray for you and your family. I am sory if I sound angry in my post I just think that her consideration for you and your children are very poor. Its not like your husband is gone because he was so wonderful and sober.
Jeannie, Take a deeeeeeeeep breath and let it out, your elbows are heavy, drop them down. In your pretty head, tell you, I am a good person. Say it until you believe it. Becuz you are.
Saddens me that mil got to you, but we are not perfect. She just put HER stuff on you. Don't allo it. Don't accept it. That is her problem not yours.
My first thought was GOOD. Maybe they will see they have to have him and his desease leave. Maybe he will be miserable enough to get help if he is homeless. I wish my mil would tell my A to leave but they are a sick couple of people.
Jeannie your first priority is your kids, I mean that is what I have seen in you. I have a lot of faith in you. You care about them so much. I believe because of the decisions you have made your kids have a much calmer, healthier life.
Your A is very sick. He would not do your babies any good. If he came back the disease would ruin your serenity.
I feel so sad for him too. He does not choose to be A. Sadly he needs to be much more uncomfortable to possibly quit killing himself.
Please think about you. I am so amazed by your compassion for your mil and fil. They have treated you so badly, but you still care. You are amazing.
I am also so proud of you for saying no, it is not an option for him to come home. I mean think about it, they cannot handle him, they say how horrible he is, yet they would rather he come and be around the precious kids and you???? geez.
The dads illness is sad. But they are adults, they can tell him to go or stop drinking in their home.
What you told him was perfect. I am glad you are feeling better, sadly ice cream does do that... hahaha I eat it and get deathly ill, dang it. But geez it is good.
Hi Jeannie , so sorry your going thru this , I admire your strength ,stay close to your program and those who will support you. Your absolutley right this is not your responsibility to rescue him again at your expense. His parents will have to deal with it themselves. good luck stay strong . will be thinking of you. Louise
you are such a brave girl. i agree with everyone else here. you are not responsible for your ex's life or choices. you know that in your head of course. it's convincing your heart that's the hard part. your inlaws, bless them, are trying in the only way they know how to help him. which they are seeing isn't helping him. they refuse to go to alanon, but come begging after you to fix him, when they see their fixin isn't working. no one is asking them to stop loving him. in fact it takes a great deal of love to boot someone out and let them feel the consequences of their drinking. i left my a four years ago, then asked him to move out so the children could stay in our family home. it was the hardest thing i have ever done. i knew he had no one to turn to by this point, no friends, no family. but it is what made him reach his bottom ( not why i did it) and led him to AA. the guilt i faced was almost unbearable. my head knew it was the only thing i could do, my heart however, was broken. i worried about him day and night and worked my program like no body's business. i came to this site in feb 2001 and it helped save my life and my sanity. i relate to how your feeling jeannie. just understand that you are doing the kindest and most loving thing for him and you and your loved ones.
Jeannie, Hope today you are feeling better. I admire your strength and courage especially doing what you know is right for you and your kids and sticking to your guns with so many pressures to the contrary. It seems that the in laws have been put in the same position as you were..one can only hope they have the strength that you have, they will have to do that for themselves. Six kids wow you may not be Wonder woman but you must be close, lol just three for a month had me waay busier than I initially thought, but they are worth it as I know yours are to you..Hang in there for them, they will never forget it.
Hoping you have a good day today and a peaceful Easter holiday
I can't even begin to say how much I appreciate your kindness and support. You are all so wonderful.
I do feel better today, a little beat up, but I did that to myself. I let things get to me, but it has been building up for a while, and I guess this was just the last straw.
Today is another dreary March day here in Jersey, but the sun and the flowers will be coming, I just have to be patient.
Things are going to get easier, I just keep telling myself that.
My Dear Jeannie - I'm so sorry you have to go through this heartache. You've been so strong - taking care of your kids and going through your pregnancy alone and Conner's birth.
What a beautiful baby. He must be a year old soon.
I'm glad you all have a week off together. Maybe you can do some fun things. And don't be afraid to let the kids give you their strength and support. They'll feel better knowing they have been able to help you.
Love you lots and admire your strength. Dot (((((((((((((((Jeannie)))))))))))
Lots of hugs and support to you girl. I don't know that I could be that strong. Hang on to your program and remember that alcoholism is a disease that ravages all who come in contact with it. Your MIL has been affected by it too even though she denies it. Remember to take care of yourself and stick to your boundaries. You are worth it!!
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Higher Power doesn't always wrap presents in pretty paper.
i read your post and all I wanted to do is clap and applaud. you are doing the word it is just feelings embrace them and them give them to God and let it go.As you said you are powerless over your ex well quess what you are also powerless over his parents.It is not your package dont pick it up...when you get tempted call your sponosr come on line , and remember for your kids you are breaking the cycle they got a chance not to fall into what you did by seeling you work recovery.
Lots of hugs and support to you girl. I don't know that I could be that strong. Hang on to your program and remember that alcoholism is a disease that ravages all who come in contact with it. Your MIL has been affected by it too even though she denies it. Remember to take care of yourself and stick to your boundaries. You are worth it!!