The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
My alcoholic 20 year old daughter has been in an inpatient treatment center for 2 months now. She is being transitioned into her new apartment by the treatment center this week. She stays at her apartment one night and then the center the next night,,etc.
Yesterday, she had a former ex boyfriend from her most recent drunken weekends before treatment call her. She only knew him for 10 days.He told her he hasn't been drinking and that he was in Canada and found his real father. He thought his father who lives in my town was his real dad but just found out he is really his uncle. Hubby and I had a long talk with this kid the night we called the police on our daughter. He was in Iraq and was discharged for having a breakdown after seeing his brother-in-law blown up. Sorry to be so graphic. He also was quite a talker with alot of stories but seemed like a nice kid,,,21 years old. He also shared with us how he gets drunk every weekend etc. Our son parties and gets drunk too but so far is not an alcoholic. He was helpful to us that night in calming our daughter down and was the guy who my daughter rebroke his nose that night and gave him a black eye. He is also the guy that stopped our daughter from jumping out of the fast moving car, stopped her from jumping out her 2 story bedroom window with an icy roof and brought her home to us that night so we could help her. WE appreciate everything he did.
This guy asked my daughter to go with him to Jamaica, all expenses paid in a couple weeks for 2 weeks. WEll, my daughter talked to me last night about this and I listened, and she said she talked to her sponsor, journaled , etc. She had talked to her dad/hubby earlier about it. She had called this kid once on her cell phone and was going to call him again ( I did mention how high the charges on her phone may be calling from usa to canada). She said she had told him no. She sounded very confused and very anxious like she use to get when drinking.
WEll, our daughter has taken off from home impulsively since age 18 and gotten herself into dangerous situations. She even bought a one way bus ticket to california from ND and was looking online for a roomate to live with! This all during her using years. Rethinking these things she put us through is really hard. And how can't a person think about her past actions when something like this comes up again.I am trying really hard to use all that I have learned from alanon. Then tonight our son called. He is the 23 year old that recently had the business he was buying , sold out from underneath him by my uncle this past month. He talked to my hubby and got support since he is really down in the dumps about his future.
I can understand why my hubby is worried about both our kids. I am letting it rub off on me. He stated that he will just disown our daughter if she starts drinking again,,just in his talking to me about how frustrated he is. He is a good dad. I told him that alanon is for a person to understand the alcoholic and to know how to deal with her. I didnt' say much else except I would never disown her. WEll, since our conversation and seeing my hubby's frustration and emotional pain, I have been a nervous wreck. I got a headache and fell asleep,,,so did hubby.
I am right now getting a feeling to trust HP/God and that is good. My God seems to be talking to me alot lately :) I will do that tonite and I hope my nerves can calm down. My nerves have been quite raw lately knowing that my daughter will be getting discharged this week,,,or next. I worry about how much money we are going to have to pay the treatment center too. It seems that once I worry about one thing,,,everything gets to me.
I can see how just typing now has helped me too. I can hear the things I have learned here at MIP running in my mind. Let go, Let God,,,One day at a time,etc. etc. Maybe that is why it has helped me to help and talk to others here. I can actually here what I would say to them too. So,this venting is quite interesting to me. I feel better already. :)
I know my husbands frustration is his issue. It just has been hard to detatch from him since he has been such a good support to me lately and been encouraging me to keep coming to the site even though there have been some things that have been upsetting me. I guess I miss him being strong now and I am going to have to look for myself to be strong too and reach out to all of you and my higher power/God now.
Cdb, I just wanted to say, in reading your post it came across to me how good you are sounding! Strong and relying on HP. It is sooo good to see the program having such a positive effect on you!! Keep up the good work!! (((((((((Hugs))))))))
Luv, Kis
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Let your light shine in the darkness. "I can't just bring my mind to meetings...I must also bring my heart."
Well you know, when we are depressed and tired, everything gets too big for us.
When I surrendered to hp, I gave it all. Put my head down and humbly relaxed it all to him.
I have a daughter and son too. I don't get involved in their choices, I had to make a boundary for me about that. I am such a mother. I had to allow them to try their own wings, make their own mistakes and learn.
I hope your daughter does not go off with this guy. From what I know, she will need to do her 90 meetings in 90 days. She is still an open wound and fragile.
You know what, I read your post again, I saw how you never mentioned you. What are you doing for you? I see you taking on everyone elses stuff on your shoulders. What happened to the let go and let god? It is hard when our kids go thru stuff. For me I had to make boundarys and stop it. If they share with me fine. But they just want me to listen. so I do. But their lives are their own.
You both sound exausted. What would happen if you let go? Just stop. allow your kids to figure out things themselves? Instead think about what you and hubby can do for yourselves. Go way for a vacation. or just take some day trips.
What happened to your life cdb?
My sister still gets to involved with her kids. She has six kids, five are A's. One died from getting drunk and getting hit by a train. She is always in a turmoil.
((((((((((((((Cdb))))))))))))))))))) Big huggs to you!!! I was thinking about you today and here you are posting...ESP hey. Well I am so sorry for all of the termoil that you and hubby are feeling. It is so hard when you love you children so much and it is soooo hard to let go of them. You are sounding stronger. I know that when stress gets to my hubby and I that we do seem to pull each other down deeper and it is hard especially when you don't notice. You have noticed how your husband is feeling and knowing that looking to your hp will help you and I bet your husband will in turn draw from the strength that you show. Keep your head up!!! I love ya!! I pray that all will be ok and work out for the best for all of you.
Your daughter,mmmmm she really does need to do the 90 meetings in 90 days. It is the best for her recovery. I wonder if reverse phsycology(sp?) still works?? at her age. Well I at that age I was very out of control and did all the "in the moment things" Like up and moving hours away with out telling anyone. I know it broke my moms heart but she was supprisingly supportive I think it was reverse phsycology now that I think about it because I moved home sortly after that. Remember I had moved out very young and for the first time, a supportive parent and I am home for the first time in 4 years. Also a trip to mexico a friend and I had planned and were about to go but backed out at the last miniute. When my mom supprised me by being the opposite of what I had expected I do think that I in the end I did what she wanted. Just thinking back a bit..... I know its not the same situation. You took me back!!!! I was a horible daughter!
I know how loving and supportive you are with your children and I think that you are a teriffic mother (not the mom I had). You will know how to handle or deal with the situation when the time does come.
I will pray for all of you for your strength, support for you, for your daughters recovery and that she makes the right decisions for herself. I think of you often and miss talking to you!!!
There is alot that has happened to my life for me and with hubby. Recently with some circumstances here beyond my control, I have lost alot of trust here in the chatroom. I am not ready to open up myself here yet so attacks can be brought back to me again. It is sad that this had to happen here. Also, I find that the best time for me to feel and share is late at nite but when I do,,others are preoccupied and it feels like no one really cares to listen. So, for me I need to feel safe and share somewhere else or one on one with someone. Thanks for caring about me. cdb
By what scientific testing methods do you use to diagnose that you son is or is not an alcoholic? (Rhetorical). Please let you husband know that he does not need to disown his daughter to completely let her God and her do her path. I, as in me, believe he is being as un-selfishly lovable of his daughter and self-protective of himself as he can be by letting his daughter do her own path completely.. However, he does not have to disown her, grieve maybe, depending on his god beliefs, but not disown… he will be hurting himself mostly if he does… just let her go and wait.
“WEll, our daughter has taken off from home impulsively since age 18…” She has never, ever really left home now, has she? You, on your insistence, make it possible for her to really not ever leave home. Boy, I am hoping for you, for your God, your husband, his God, your daughter, her God, that this transition to her own apartment and finally leaving home happens. You really need to quit interfering in God’s doings. It is not fair. “My opinion”.
Yep, you are right. Progress not Perfection though is what we are going through. It is a struggle. The part I left out though is that my hubby co-signed for her apartment and put up the first months rent and deposit. I had a disagreement with him about this and with her family session we all decided to go ahead with this monitory supportive help. Richard, that is where some of my husband's frustration is coming now. But, I always look forward for you replies. cdb :)
I just re-read my post and how I put the stuff about my son and alcoholism did come out all wrong. I am not the judge of that. I was just typing away and it just came out in the sentence that way. I am glad you pointed that out though. It all goes back to letting go and letting God as far has him and whether he may have a drinking problem or not. your friend in recovery, cdb :)
Wow, you have come so far. You have been so loving and supportive to your daughter, but now you have to let her as someone else posted try her own wings.
I can only imagine how painful it is to watch an adult child struggle, but struggle she must do, it is her life and she needs to begin living it. I have always believed that the paths we choose for whatever reasons define our lives, and we are on each of them for a reason, though they might not be the right ones. The one thing I have always stressed with my own children is accountability. That we all can make mistakes, or chose the wrong path, but we must accept them, be accountable for them and move on. Your daughter has a long journey ahead of her, and while she will need your love and support, she must go it alone.
At 43, I still depend on my parents love and support to get me through the tough times, but I always made it clear to them that the decisions where my own, and I will pay the consequences, not them.
Debilyn is right, you need to concentrate on your life, and your happiness. Stat enjoying yourself, and yes maybe take a vacation. Let your daughter be responsible for her life, and keep praying that she is okay.
One bit of advice. I myself have found that worrying about money and important issues late at night, eats away at me. It always seems too much to handle. When I look at the same problems fresh in the light of day, the issues are still there, but seem much easier to deal with.
(((cdb))) really sounds like you are dealing with a lot right now. I know it is hard to think about yourself with so much going on but you must. As you have told me "focus on you". I can totally relate to how hard it is to send your child out into the cold cruel world and not feel guilt as you know but it is all you can do at this point. Keep your chin up and feel free to talk to me anytime. You have been real great to me and I would love to return the favor.
I believe when we were given the structure of language our imagination became severely stunted to where we can not imagine God. Therefore, when we speak of God we are confined by words. Please listen to this carefully and thoroughly; step outside of the following printed words. In God eyes we all are special for God. Even the worst ‘so called’ sinners are special for God… However, at this very moment you, cdb, are the only special God being God can see and is special for God… yes! Step outside the bounds of words. God can be both, either, none, or whatever, all-ever or none-ever. You better starting treating yourself as that only special person deserving your very own special life… You hear me? better yet, do you hear your heart?
Thank you Jeannie, lebe & Richard for your kind replies. You all have such wisdom to share and I am taking all of what you said. :) Richard, your post reminds me of a situation that I came to know years ago about art in the schools. Children are very creative and talented in their minds when young. When children start school they are taught to color between the lines and do their art work a certain way,,,in most schools. By doing that it takes away that part of their creative thinking that speaks to them and gives them the ability to color and draw what they feel inside. As a teacher this has always been a concern of mine.The concern of Stiffling the talents of the young children in school when they have so much learning they can do from inside their hearts and minds. Thanks for bringing me back to me and my God who lives in my heart back into focus. I think we as adults stiffle our ability to communicate with our HP/God. I see how I have done this in my life. cdb :)
I was just thinking.... This young man that has been supportive and helpful with your daughter. Well I was thinking if he knows about the meetings after treatment. He probably doesn't, he also probably genuinly does care about your daughter especially if he wants to go on vacation with her after all he has witnessed. Ususally guys get scared off pretty easy. I am not making up excuses for him but just thinking.... I wonder if he knew how important your daughters recovery and progress is and knew that going away could hinder her recovery if he would have still invited her to go. Maybe if he did know all about recovery he might postpone the travel planns.
P.S. I am a hopeless romantic and having a guy want to sweep me off my feet and take me away is kind of romantic. Remember thoes young love days???
My sister a few months ago met this "wonderful guy" after one weekend he wanted her to come to vegas where he lived to see him AFTER on WEEKEND the codie me so wanted to tell her to be careful but told her to have fun. I didn't work out but it was so excuiting for her.
I want your daughters recovery to be a sucess and hope the best for her. I pray for her and you everyday.
Just an update. My daughter never did call the guy that one night and she hasn't heard from him since. He acutally called her the first time to ask her to go at 2am anyway! I really see this as a test for her from HP/God. She stopped by and shared this with my hubby and I today. She also shared that she is 52 days sober! I told her I would buy her a deck of cards, 52 lol, to celebrate. She got a kick out of what I said and said she had enough deck of cards,,,but then replied that maybe a pinoccle deck would do. lol It sure is great having my daughter back again. :) cdb
Wow Christy! If you only knew how much I needed to hear what you just said to me today! I am sure she does sense my doubt,,,and I use to always expect greatness from her,,but it disappeared when the alcoholism appeared. I don't think I could have known this on my own! Thank you more than I can say. your friend in recovery,,,cdb :) God Bless You!
i can relate to what you are going thru. life is tough, even when they are sober. the worry is there or at least creeps in at times. i will be praying for you.
