The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
Tonight I pick up my wife from the hospital where she has been ungoing psych treatment for bipolar and suicide attempts. She is to go back to alcohol treatment facility this weekend for more treatment. I believe it's a 2 or 3 week stint at the facility, back for a week, then back for another couple weeks at the facility.
I want to pick her up at the hospital and show all the love and affection I feel inside, like so many other times before. However, I have told her this time was the last time, and that I was leaving. I am very confused, as I still have strong feelings for her, but am really scared that my self-preservation is at stake here.
I know she has been trying very hard to fight her diseases, and the guilt I feel for abandoning her now is incredible. Yet I so want to stick to my convictions and end the roller coaster ride I've been on. I also don't want to allow fear to override good sense. I don't want to stay in a bad relationship just because I'm scared to leave it.
Everyone except my al-anon friends thinks I am crazy for continuing to be with her, but I know deep down she is a wonderful person.
I bought her a card and wrote my feelings down to give to her tonight. I also want to buy her some flowers for when she gets home tonight, but I also still feel alot of resentment and have this nagging thought in the back of my mind that "to hell with her, she doesn't deserve it".
Just some thoughts running through my head that I needed to release. Thanks for the support I am getting here.
You have the right to have emotions. Express them on paper. Express them to those you trust, but not to those who'll judge you. Vent, cry, let your anger out in a positive way. Accept your emotions, but don't dwell on them. Then do something good for yourself too!!
Today is all you have to deal with, if you're confused, major decisions should not be made. Keep coming back, go to f2f meetings, in time, you'll find your peace. In time, your confusion will be replaced with a decision you can live with.
Been where you are with my ex husband, who wasn't an alcoholic but had many suicide attempts. Additionally, just ending a relationship with an alcoholic of 3 years. What I have come to find is that with each came the issue of control. The suicide attempts although representing the severe depressive state of my ex-husband was also a form of control indirectly-- control to keep me feeling guilty for not caring for him. It was one of many difficult decisions I had to make to walk away from him, but was able to eventually do so because I came to the realization that I am powerless over him and that it was absolutely not my responsibility to teach him whatever lessons it is God has in mind for him. Ultimately, we can love someone entirely, as God loves us. However, we as indiivduals and human beings have a responsibility to ourselves and to take care of ourselves. The ONLY way two people can have a healthy relationship and live as God wants two people to live is with a God centered life. I found many of my answers and peace within myself in really looking into the meaning of marriage and how all the abuse played a role in this being a true marriage given to me by God. I don't want to push my beliefs about God or scripture at you, as I am not talking to try and convince you to lean a way you are not comfortable with, but rather just share my experience in getting stronger, healthier and happier, by having all my focus on my relationship with God-- it wasn't until I found peace with Him internally, that I knew what I needed to do and that was get out of abusive relationships and let God do whatever it is He needs to do for that person. Always knowing that God will bring someone else into my life OR bring this person I love very much back to me once the lesson is learned He is trying to teach this person. I had to back off so God can do His work without me trying to force a situation that was repeatedly resulting back to hurting eachother. Which, ulimately hurt us individually to keep reliving the same situations over and over again-- never being able to completely grieve and heal.
For me, I know it is the disease that deserves nothing from me. That addict that hides inside the man I love.
I found living separate is vital for me and my A. He is my husband. I am totally in love with him and have been over thirty years. I still see him and he stays here occasionally. I did move forward though, no more coming and staying and staying, next thing I know he is living here again with no discussion. I tried to discuss he couldn't.
Anyhow, I guess I would ask myself even if I don't live with my A will I still be in love with him/her. Sometimes the disease does kill the love. I know people who will leave a spouse becuz they have cancer or a masectomy, or maybe they have diabetes.
For me it makes no difference if I don't see my A for ten years, he is still the man I love, who has a horrible disease. I promised thru sickness and health.
Alanon has taught me how to find serenity in any situation. I live a day at a time, I have made my life so the A's disease cannot take my home, or money or vehicle. I take care of me. I make sure I have all I need. If he comes and shares time with me fine. I love it. If the disease comes out and it is violent and or abusive I send him home.
Makes me sad though cuz the disease takes my husband with it.
Hon your wife does deserve the flowers. It is the disease who does not. The disease would love for you to hold back your love. Then it can dig in deeper and take over more of her heart and mind. It can focus on what it wants to, its drug of choice.
You showing your love, with out enabling is a great gift to give your A. I do relate to where you are. I got passed that a while ago. I feel no resentment anymore. The disease brough† me to alanon, and that enriched my life in ways I did not think possible.
I never worry. I may be concerned. But like a river I cannot control much. I can do the footwork and pray for a good outcome. My surrender to hp is wonderful. I trust my hp, the creator to make sure I get what I need. I tell ya, there has been so many miracles it would take a lonnnnnng time to list them.
Miracles that made me work hard to get where I am now. I was living in a room in my barn about to lose my home. I have five acres of paradise , and animals that depend on me.
Today I am back in my home, I redid my house payment and now it is very affordable. I am home now. It took YEARS to get here too. Lotsa surrendering to hp and lots of footwork and trust and faith in my hp.
I guess what I am saying, taking a day at a time, doing what you feel is right, loving that human who has a horrible disease can be quite wonderful. It is all in how you look at it.
Sure it is not the marriage we expected, but then maybe that is what the vows are all about. We say them, but maybe when we do, it is our hp reminding us what may be ahead, and are we sure we want to do it.
For me, I am connected to my A. My heart is so much a part of his heart. I know his is with mine too. I miss him cowboy, so very much. But as time has gone on, I see what a blessing I have been given, to have married the man I am in love with, to have a son from him, to have shared so much, to have learned so much. MY life is richer for loving him, crummy old disease and all.
Believe me I have been thru hell with this disease too. But that is what it is, a disease he has no more control over than I do.
I cannot separate the two as they share the same body. But I can make my life happy, and hope he can share in it some.
much love to you and your a, even though you may not be lovers again, she is still a human and would love your flowers and attention, and she needs it. Sometimes, I have learned, we have to realize it is a time to be "friends." love,debilyn
thanks everyone for your kind words and support. I picked her up tonight. There is alot of tension and we haven't really talked. She wanted some space so I gave it to her.
I did give her the card, but not the flowers. My resentment got the better of me. It was wrong for me to feel this way. On the other hand, I have never received any kind of apology for the terrible things she has done, and it sometimes gets the best of me. A heartfelt apology goes a long way. I usually end up giving her an apology for things I've done, maybe not right away, but eventually. I seldom get any from her. She still blames me for alot of her issues. I realize as a codependent I've contributed alot to the problems, but I have a hard time getting past the resentment I feel.
I am leaving her alone for the weekend, and then she goes back to treatment. I pray for her and hope she finds ways to manage her life. I am trying to manage mine as best I can.
Thanks again for the great replies, your words really helped.
Hi there! Just wanted you to know that I'm praying for you and your wife.
I understand your feelings of resentment so well! Sometimes it overpowers me and I sulk, giving in to my own sickness, then I realize that when I give in to my resentment, I'm going backwards in my recovery, and it doesn't do me or the A any good.
I try to remind myself that when I was hurt in so many ways, it was the disease acting, not the man I love. He was still the warm, loving man he had always been but under the power of that horrific, overpowering enemy, alcoholism.
Sometimes, when I think back to the horrible days in our past, I still get a twinge of resentment, ok, I'm not perfect, a big twinge! But, I try to remember that he doesn't remember hardly a thing that the cruel disease did/said to me. I seriously mean this! A lot of it is a blank spot in his brain, therefore, he doesn't know what I feel he should apologize for. One time I was so mad for days, and he really didn't know why, so he apologized anyway for whatever he said.
I try not to get mad any more, and it's been quite a while since he's been on a binge. I find if I don't 'take the bait', and don't react, the disease doesn't get the satisfaction of fighting because I'm totally detatched!
Detaching was one of the very first things I learned and brought me a long way in my recovery. Practicing the 12 steps, a lot of reading and learning to understand what your A is going through help tremendously.
I think your wife is going through a big, overpowering struggle right now and probably really doesn't understand why you are so resentful. I believe that they really don't remember what they put us through! This is just my opinion, take what you want and leave the rest. All the best to both of you in your recoveries,TLC
It is not wrong for you to feel anyway you feel.... yes, resentment can halt our own individual recovery-- BUT, taking care of YOU is not wrong, addressing your needs is not wrong. We have been given anger, sadness, happiness as gifts as well. It is what we choose to do with those gifts and how we act towards others that can be wrong at times.
I love my ex a tremendously and he will ALWAYS be a part of my heart..... BUT, I must admit, I have very little tolerance for people who continually say they do not have the strength to overcome their problems, ESPECIALLY when it is related to addiction. Perhaps, it is because I am very critical of myself and do whatever I must to resolve my addictive behaviors.
All of us are held accountable to God, bottom line.... If we all worked on our individual relationships with God, then we'd all have more loving relationships with eachother-- this includes the ability to know when it is time to walk away in order to help the other person recognize they need to take responsibity for themselves to recover. They will NEVER know who loves them until they love themselves-- that's it. I can say this from having experiences ALL extremes.. I have had people walk away from me because of my irrate and disrespectful behavior towards them being the extreme codependenet I had been at one point in my life AND I have had to walk away from people as well to take care of myself, knowing that I deserve to have a peaceful life as God wants me to have in His care and love.
Of all the relationships that have brought me through recovery the most, were the ones in which the person gave me space as you have done, BUT, not just when I needed it, but when they set their boundaries because of my behavior. It ripped me apart, but after a few years of being away to deal with myself, I became stronger and in turn REALLY knew how much they loved me for walking away... :) Had they NOT walked away to let me deal with myself, I absolutely do not believe I'd be where I am today.....
So, we can stay and continue to THINK we need to take care of this person and ultimately continue to think we are controlling the situation or we can choose to take care of ourselves and let them be accountable for their actions fully... letting go of any guilt in doing so AND giving our HP credit for His intervention in the entire matter. We are NOT God. This doesn't mean we shouldn't love these people with our entire heart, nor that it won't be so painful to walk away, but what it does mean is that we have acknowledged our own problem in thinking that because we stay and love this person that we are doing what is right. We are not their savior.
Just because we stay and love someone doesn't mean we are doing what is going to help that person or ourselves. Personally, I think that is where the main issue lies, deceiving ourselves to think that as long as we stay with someone because we love them so much that we are not the one with the problem, when ultimately we are only fooling ourselves because we have an illness as well in not being able to be alone or in healthy relationships. These are relationships we were taught and so we continue the cycle in our lives because that is only what we are comfortable with even at a subconscious level.
The true question to ask to confirm if our intentions are true is Can we be alone ourselves or are we really dependent on loving someone else to be who we are and justify our guilt in walking away from this person.
You have my prayers AlbertaCowboy. It's not easy recovering from this disease....for the alcoholic and for you. Your Higher Power is the only one that can tell you whether you should stay with your wife or not. For the time being however, detach with love from her disease and remember that she does have a disease. It took her a long to get where she is at, it will take a long time for her to recover. I know you want her to make amends to you, but until she is ready to admit her mistakes, you will only create resentments for yourself by wanting an apology. She is in as much pain as you are right now. She doesn't have the alcohol anymore to take the pain away so she will have to learn new tools to deal with it. Give yourself time and your wife some time. Take care of yourself and get to as many face to face meetings as you can. Best wishes and hang in there.
__________________
Higher Power doesn't always wrap presents in pretty paper.
