The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
If I do not keep from using drugs like alcohol, etc. what good will I be to my recovering son or me or anyone? Thus, I beseech you to allow me to share with you what is a little more A.A. than Al-anon. Besides in the beginning the whole family got together in folks home to have their meetings, you know. Then of course the meetings blossomed into an organization with managers and all… so I view. I shared this in my depression forum board:
I have not been exercising much of late. I did ride my bicycle several days ago. But, two days ago, today being Friday morning, I went to my beautiful State park and for the second day rode my bike the 7-1/2 hilly miles around the lake and walked about 3/4 cool down walk. Coffee and endorphins afforded me the most glorious buzz. I have normal bad body pain plus the pain of strongly using unused muscles going the first part of the path which is mostly uphill and the last part is mostly downhill and I get a more of an aerobatic work out pumping the high gears fast. So, I think my body has a lot of pain to make a strong dose of endorphins for and I get a ton of oxygen from oxygen laden cold air. By the time I am done with the cool down walk, in my car, taking a scenic drive around the lake, trees, blue sky, hawks, turkeys, the lake… I am just pumped up… just in heaven. After exiting the park, I pick up a bagel and a coffee for the 40 minute ride home. By that time I have come down some and am feeling quite peaceful. I get home, eat lunch, fiddle around a bit, and try to nap. I awoke and I was in the most awful depressed and anxious mood. It was an intense downer. I did not like that at all. It kinda marred the good time of the morning. I finally figured out why. What was supporting the depression and anxiety was anger. I was angry because I so much wanted the buzz back. The king the majesty deserves to be feeling that grand all the time.
Now, it has been many, many years since I have had a chemical buzz. I do not remember if the there was more intensity to the buzz than the natural one I experience that morning. So…. An A.A. meeting was in store. After my bike ride yesterday morning and there was strong wind to afford an even higher endorphin buzz, I went to an A.A. meeting. I asked for a first step table, (Powerless over alcohol). A smoker who I had been chitchatting with asks if I would like to lead. I lightheartedly state, “If I am not held accountable.” He says we all are held accountable… grrr… there is no sin. God does not judge us… unless you really, really want God to do so. God is quite obliging. So, I do lead and people seem to listen and hear what they normally do not hear from old timers. One young woman talks of how another old fart (my description) convinced her to get on her knees when she prays to god. He asked for her wallet, and she reluctantly gave it to him, he proceeded to throw it under the table, she went to get it, (Me, I would have menacingly told him to retrieve it, knowing what he was up to.) Then, he says if you get down on your knees for your wallet can’t you do the same for your higher power. She fell for that abuser of innocence’s guilt trip. Then a few of the table attendees and managers of the universe talked about the need for others to get on their knees. My God does not need anyone to get on there knees to share a talk with. Notice previously I used the word “to” in “pray to” not with. My God does not have a self-esteem problem and need people to build my God up by getting on their knees in symbolism of submission. POOH! Unless, of course, I want my God to have a self-esteem problem in order for the false part of my ego to feel good in submission. My God is quite obliging. There was more nonsensical nonsense at the table. I still have trouble loving people and the more I love people the more I will love my God. All is God and God is in all. All is beautiful even if I cannot see it… dumb me.
I just needed to be around others who desperately needed not to pick up the first drug like alcohol, etc. I go for my needs and if others get their needs filled somehow from me doing that then it is even better.
This was a great share! For me getting down on your knees to pray is just an expression. For one thing, I can't hardly do it anymore even in church when I do go. When someone recenlty called it kneeology, I said I do buttology. Not to be disrespectful, but because that is how I need to do it in my church when others kneel. I haven't been to church for quite awhile because our church has gotten rid of alot of pastors over the recent years out of ridiculous reasons brought on by certain members of the church. So hubby and I decided to take a break. We are spiritual people in our own way. We may not have much recorded in our church computer of what we have given in a year,but they do not know what we do give to other places either. I am not thrilled that a church can computerise people's offerings anyway. Too may can view and make judgments that are not reality. WE prefer to keep our offerings personal anyway. I prefer to keep man's way and man's rules out of my spiritutality too for now. So, I think I can understand what you are saying. I am a pretty open minded person, I feel. I am grateful that in alanon we all can be from different beliefs and get along in our belief of alanon. If I were with you at that meeting, I would have not liked what they did. I talk to my HP/God whenever I want and however I want. He listens whether I am standing,,,lying down,,,walking,,,etc. etc. At least we can all have our own HPs here in alanon which is pretty nice. It is great you are getting out and enjoying life and exercising. That is something I am looking forward to as a goal now that the accupuncture seems to be helping me. I sure do enjoy your posts. Keep on posting. Your friend in recover, cdb :)
I too like to ride my bike. I commute to work on my bike and take it to the library and all around town.
Now that the snow is melting I will take the bike back into the woods and ride the trails there.
The physical and psycological (sp) benefits are amazing.
I too do not need to get on my knees to talk to my God. And I don't need to be in church either. He listens to me just fine in the way that I communicate with him
__________________
Megan
If you want things you never had you need to do things you have never done
the wonderful thing about AA and Alanon is that we become more aware of our reactions.......whereas before we were just fumbling in the dark :)
it is a good thing you recognized why you were depressed and went to an AA meeting. also recognize that the reason you were probably ticked off with everyone and everything at the AA meeting is because you were still in a funk. on another day, you just may have let all that slide. you don't have to prove to anyone who your HP is to you. you don't have to explain anything to anyone. let other people have their ideas even if you don't agree with it. take a big breath and say...........'so what'. it's ok. i'm ok. try to recognize what works for you and what has been keeping you sober. and then stick to it.
It always throws a whole different perspective on things to hear and see from an A's point of view - you help me see from a different pair of shoes.
From your post I felt the longing/desire for the buzz and how strong it was and also how familiar. Your love of god, your own god the one with out the self esteem problem is inspiring.
