The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
So I am working on step 4, putting the focus on me and taking a moral inventory of myself. Right now I am feeling angry. First of all I am not angry at my A I am angry at myself for letting me loose myself. I was so independant and strong willed before this. I was out going and in time I began to stay at home and do less and find that before alanon I was so grumpy, angry and frustrated. I have become a person that does not trust, unforgiving, angry, sad, stubborn and shut down from feeling. I am a very loving caring person and in time this disease and my giving up I see I have lost alot of that. I have put up these bariers in a way of protecting myself but didn't realize that I lost a part of me. So I am realizing that I have alot to take back and that I am looking forward to. I am angry about the fact that I let this happen to me.
I shake my head at myself thinking I criticise my sister for molding herself to suit her boyfriend that is in the picture at the time. I see it and I must sound like a hipocrit.lol I see it in others so much easier than myself and that is what this is about self discovery...right. Well I am having a bit of a tuff time admiting to myself that this happened and not be feeling like a victim or sounding like one. I let this disease break me down, slowly chip away at all that I believe in and feel about relationships. Admitting that I am in denial that not only has this disease affected my relationship but me as a person is hard. So in away I am seeing that I have alot of garbage to get rid of but I need to find and take back what I have lost.
Boy can i relate. I was SO INDEPENDENT my whole life...until...marriage.
Why did I give up myself?
I had a paper route at 11, worked 2 jobs at 16 to get money to tour Europe with our school. i earned my own keep and did whatever the heck I wanted.
3 months ago I stood in front of the lipsticks in the store and had no clue what to buy. what would look good on me... I got my hair cut for the first time in several years too.
I spent a week away from my husband in January on a business trip and voila...I started to get "ME" back..WTF...
I can relate
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Megan
If you want things you never had you need to do things you have never done
Thank you for sharing your 4th step. I am finally "getting" what they mean by taking an inventory. I thought that it meant saying how bad you are.
I support your efforts in finding yourself again. Sometimes I think that we lose ourselves because we have to take over the responsibilities because they aren't "available". In my case I have told myself that my husband must be smarter than me because he tells me he is smarter than me. Instead of being an independent person, I have become an observer waiting for the opportunity to catch him when he is sane. This takes a lot of negative energy towards waiting to react.
I think that you are on the right track. I can hardly wait to get to the 4th step. I would like to unload a lot of this heavy baggage.
I, too, can soooo relate. It is wonderful you have seen you have the power not to give to the disease anymore. Don't forget during step 4 you should also find your good traits also!
I can definatly relate to what you are saying. When there is an A in our life, we worry so much about trying not to make them mad, avoiding conflict with them, that we often do loose site of who we are. Its like that wonderful person inside us has just vanished without a trace. As I work this program, I discover so much about myself that has been lost for a long time......I had a sense of humor?????? wow, that was news to me, lol. I am rediscovering the person that I was, and will be beginning step 4 myself soon, so I will have the opportunity to discover even more about me. For that is what this program is all about ME. I know that there are things that I will find, that are scary, and hard to accept, but with the help of HP, alanon and my online sponsor, I know that I will be more like the person HP wants me to be.
Thank you for your post. It's a good reminder to me that there is so much of myself I gave up just to stay with my A. I have been out of that relationship for a little more than a year now and have been amazed how much of myself I had buried...
I had to give up my A to find myself again. And now it seems she is finding her true self too because she is in recovery and doing therapy too... so, this major change has been best for both of us.
Some days I look at myself in the mirror or catch myself telling a funny story and I think, "Wow! This is me!" It's also been a HUGE learning experience to live by myself for the first time. My apartment is exactly how I want it. I do want another relationship but I hope (with my HP's help) I never sacrifice myself just to be with someone ever again.
Keep working your program for YOU. You are worth it !
Love and hugs, Jessi
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If you want something you've never had, you have to do something you've never done.
Getting the garbage out is a good thing. And a better thing is doing it ourselves and for ourselves. I did read in Paths to Recovery,Al-Anon's steps, traditions, and concepts that with step 4 we also need to note our positive traits too. NOT just the negative ones, but to look at the good things about us too. I hope you have been doing this too. I see so much good in you as well as others here too! So, be sure to put the good through your mind and let the garbage go out where it belongs. :) Your friend, cdb
Thanks everyone for your replys and yes I do look at the good as well. It is that good that I have lost that was making me angry. Why is it that the good gets forgotten and the bad seems to come out. Well its a long road and thank goodness for that as I am seeing that it needs to be long.
If this is any help, the more I worked my program, got less and less isolated, the more I keep finding myself ! It is a refreshing joy, that is replacing my anger towards myself AND I realize that Alcoholism is something I cannot control, cure, or I caused.
You are not being a hypocrit, you are experienced! You learned something. Now we can share our wisdom with others, and sometimes we have to shut up and let others make their mistakes. After all, they may or may not listen.
Just let it out, great post - so open and humble and honest. I so relate to how we have lost ourselves to the disease some where along the line and how we have become so bitter and sad and angry.
Must work on healing and regaining that zest for life - your post is great.
I do want another relationship but I hope (with my HP's help) I never sacrifice myself just to be with someone ever again.
