The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
Had family program at the rehab center Monday and Tuesday. It was intense, and I initially left with some good feelings, better than the first time a couple years ago. My wife to my surprise did actually verbally accept responsibility for her actions and admitted her dishonesty as well as her assignment of blame for her actions has changed from “us” to “I”(some things I have never heard before) and seemed so very sincere I was convinced she may make it this time. In support of this I found her courageous because one of our neighbors was there for her sister whom also is a patient, this would have paralyzed her in the past. I admired her for this.
I thought a lot about the past two days happenings at the program last night. I have faced so many lies, and been convinced so many times to find they were an act, I am struggling this time thinking that is this yet another act using a new tactic? I’m struggling with trust and I don’t expect anyone to tell me whether to trust again or not or when it’s right. I do know that this is not going to be a marriage and I won’t be in it if there is none. I just have a hard time giving it away any more and I won’t, I guess I’ll give it some time and let god show me the right path for myself and the kids will be. Probably good thing I have a meeting tonight.
Keep coming :) ! That response used to drive me nuts (lol). Because I did keep coming. It's the transformation of your self-esteem that develops as a result of your continuing with Al-Anon. Once the confusion (that comes from dealing with Alcoholism) clears and you have learned to apply the tools of the program, your sense of self and confidence returns knowing that you are making the best decision for you and your family.
Expectations can be good but they can also end up with premeditated resentments. Try to keep your expectations reasonable.
Wish you the very best :)
Maria
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If I am not for me, who will be? If I am only for myself, then who am I? If not now, when?
Right now your Wife is where she needs to be, and that is a really good thing. It is up to her and her HP to see where it goes from here.
If you try and decide if it is real this early on, you will drive yourself nuts. It is truly out of your control. Hope and Faith are not expectations, and we need to always hang on to those.
As you move forword in your own program, you will be able to trust your own instincts, and hopefully with the help of her HP, while she is working her own program, you can both begin to rebuild trust. It takes time.
Kinda decided to put the focus on her and not myself I see, once again. Thanks for the gentle nudge. Got alittle nudge at my meeting tonight too LOL. Guess it was alittle messy up there today.
One thing that i have learned here and with alanon is that I need to learn how to trust myself again. Trust my judgement and listen to myself and then I will know how to trust again. When my A earns my trust back then I will be able to trust again.
Glad you are still smiling :)
"Sometimes we try so hard that we fail to see that the light that we are seeking is within us." JJ
What jj said made sense to me. I have also lost trust in myself from the times I didn't even see my daughter's usage and thought she was fine. I have also been able to talk to my daughter's counselors since she signed a form saying I could. This has helped me learn more about what she is working on or how far they say she has or has not come. I just found out my daughter was not doing as well with responsibility and I was able to share with the counselors some information on her that helped them too. I wonder if you can do some of this too. That is interesting that her sister is in there with her too you said? wow. Or did I get this wrong?
Keep on focusing on you and do what you need to take care of you. For me it was talking to my daughter's counselors and getting information and sharing information. I did it for me and not her. Your friend in recovery as our loved ones go through treatment, cdb :)
Trust. A difficult concept when we have been lied too, made promises the A was unable to keep, put up with lies, abuse, and the whole merri-go-round of alcoholism.
I started Alanon last June. In a few weeks I threw a fit at my A. I would buy no more booze and he either straightened out (in 2 days no less) or I would call his older sister and let her know what was going on. Some part of this hit him and he quit drinking. For 5 months. because "I was so mad at him" said he. Then he proceeded to blame me for his drinking and buying the booze on and on.
A decent 5 months, not perfect but I again had a husband....
Then in November we moved. My A said he would put together the move - and I let him. I am very busy with my job and travel and this suited me fine.
he started drinking, hiding it at first then openly. He said it was "the stress of the move". 4 months later, he was still drinking very heavily and I started to go to more and more alanon meetings, read as much as I could. I avoided my A. I did things with family and friends. I took more of my paycheck and sent it to my private (I gotta get outta here) account.
My A got sick. He had a very bad cold. he said he would quit drinking. Not for me, not because of the extra money not going to the joint account (although he mentions that often) but for himself.
Will this last? I don't know. He does not have AA or any kind of support program. He has me - but this time I am more than at arms length from his recovery - I am hell bent on my recovery. Can I trust what he says and what he will do?....
I have NO EXPECTATIONS.
And in the end I surrender control. My HP is in charge. Not me. It took me some time to realize this, ackowledge this and embrace it.
Take care of yourself and your children Mark....
megan
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Megan
If you want things you never had you need to do things you have never done
Thanks for taking the time for to share your esh. Its nice to have people to help me see when I may not be looking at my compass, I seem to looking at someone elses. Seems when I take my eye off my own I tend to get lost. Thanks for the help cause I got way to much a mess at home to have one in my head too lol. Got laundry up to my ears, and can't seem to talk the kids into turning their underwear inside out anymore for a couple more days mileage. LOL just kiddin
cdb...It was my neighbors that was the family there for her sister.
Here is a small hint that I used when the stress of trying to do it all including the wash got to me: BUY MORE UNDERWEAR!!!!!!. It’s the most important piece of the wash sometimes – most necessary – I went to walmart scooped some up and I got so I could go 3 weeks without HAVING to do wash…just a thought…
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Megan
If you want things you never had you need to do things you have never done
I agree with Megan. When the laundry gets to be too much here, especialy matching kids socks, I go buy new ones. The inesxpensive ones in the package of 10.
Whatever you have to do to make life a little simpler. It's not easy, (as you have found out) and I give you a lot of credit.
I can relate totally to this issue. I trusted everyone, time and time again. There was never any question as to not trusting and it wasn't until my late 30's that it dawned on me that yes, there are people that cannot be trusted. It took me 2 marriages and several bombed relationships to realize that these people just couldn't be trusted. I learned the hard way to look at a persons actions over a long period of time, to see if the words met them. I learned to take my time, to listen, to watch and then and only then did I find the real thing, yet I still have a problem with trust. It can take years, but I have years (I hope) to learn and to get it right in every issue, not only trust.
Hugs and hope
Unsure
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Do not worry about tomorrow for tomorrow will take care of itself, only be concerned with the day you are living, today.
Mark, I know you posted this 2 days ago and I hope that with each day you see new progress.. But we can never EXPECT it to be perfection.... I too was in your position a while back with my A husband... and have known other couples struggleing with their spouses recovery.. The trust is something that WE as alanoners HAVE to surrender if we decide we want to try and remain in the realtionship of a diseased spouse. Trust alone is something they say you can never gain back... I personally let go of mine and gave it to God years ago when my A and I got back together after numerous affairs and use of drugs and alcohol.. I found myself trusting in him again.. but then just recently he and I seperated and are now going through a divorce because he started using again...I didnt file HE chose to... but When I did let go of the Trust thing and gave it to God years ago... I felt better about me.. I wasnt playing detective anymore trying to find things out and therefore felt better about MYSELF... So many times in the past I would have checked up on him, followed him, spied on him, snooped into things etc.....But then it would leave me feeling ashamed of myself.. so when I surrendered that and gave it to God I was more at ease and peace with myself... When I did suspect this time he was at it again, I just prayed to HP God and Let him Take over for me... It was very hard and the result might not be what I had hoped for, but I keep it in my mind that he has other plans for me or maybe he is not done working with him yet, and I just have to let happen what will happen... All I can do now is FOCUS ON ME.. Let him take care of your A..and you take care of YOU... and by the way Mastiff has a wonderful poem posted on the message board that may help you with this... I will keep you in my prayers... Hang in there.. There is also a book The dilemma of the Alcoholic Marriage that may help.. you can get it at Amazon site or at a meeting I think... Love Ya... smeep
I was a person who trusted every one. i never doubted any one. I thought every one was being truthful to me and would believe just about anything i was told. that kind of trust was too trustiing and probably stupid but its how i was. my ex wife had pretty much ruined me on that issue. i got to were i didnt trust any one. especialy if my heart or feelings could be hurt again by trusting. but I have found that to be stupid of me to. and i have since fouand and fallin in love with a lady who I wanted to trust but i just wouldnt let myself. no matter what. I found her to be too good to be true, and as they say if its looks too good to be true.....so by not trusting in her i made many mistakes. none too serious but will take a long time to repair. what really hurts was to find out that this woman was / is probably the one I could or should have trusted the most. I have learned the hard way its better to just be cautious when trusting and to wait for some one to give you a sign or a reason not to trust them. then evaluate the situation. even as hard as it is after being lied to cheated on even basicly stolen from by some one you stood by, even knowing they were doing me wrong, is no reason not to trust some one else. but easier said than done some times. I am happy to say my trust level has elevated greatly especialy in the past couple of months. I nearly let a person from my past stop me from letting myself have a future with the woman i love. I just pray I will be able to prove to her I know i was wrong, and I do trust her with everything i own and love not to mention my life.
in fact i do owe my life to her. If it hadnt been for her I wouldnt be here today typing this response.
I pray that my level of trust continues to grow and I will be trusted not to make the same mistakes.
this may have been a little off the topic but i had to let it out.
