The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
I am a newbie, I went with my wife to her first AA meeting Sunday night. She has been drinking, self-medicating for six months, she is 36 yrs old and suffering depression for 3-4 years. She drinks about a fifth a day abuses prescription drugs when they are available and has been in a Detox unit twice in the last month. The last two times she has gotten drunk she has had blackouts. She joined AA out of depreation and fear of my divorcing her. Last night, her third day of sobriety she said she doesn't know for sure if she is an alcoholic and that she was told she is supposed to be doing this for herself but feels she is only doing it out of fear of my threat of divorce. I think she is rationalizing and is getting ready to drink again. I am scheduled to go to my first AL-Anon mtg. on Friday night. I am very confused and ready to throw in the towel. Is it really worth staying with an Alcoholic and putting up with the abuse and embarassment? She works in the school system where our kids go to school, has had two affairs and one of them was with a parent of our kids schoolmates. They are embarassed and feel very uncomfortable when she is drinking because one time she will react as a happy drunk and the next she will either ignore them or tell them to leave her alone and get out of her bedroom where is is a recluse most of the time.
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Experience is not what happens to you, it is what you do with what happens to you. Sometimes I'm like a Crash Dummy, I have to beat my head against the wall a few times to "Get it"
Al Anon is a great place for you to be. While noone here will give you advice, the program recommends not making any major decisions for the first 6 months of your recovery. Yes, we (the loved ones of alcoholics/addicts) need recovery too. We have become resentful, angry, bitter and sometimes irrational because the effects of alcoholism/addiction are too much for us. In this program you will learn tools that will help you cope with your wifes disease. And yes, it is a disease. A disease over which neither she nor you have any control over. It is great that you are going to a face to face meeting. Being with others who have gone through what you are going through will help more than you know. You will learn how to detach with love, which means you can detach from your wifes alcoholism without having to detach from her completely. You will learn what is considered enabling (actually helping her remain an alcoholic). We usually do this without even realizing we are until we come to this program and learn more about it, especially how to stop this behaviour. While noone here will have all the answers for you, together we can reason things out in order to bring us all some serenity. The serenity prayer is a great place to start. Lord, Grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change (my wifes drinking), the courage to change the things I can (my reactions to it) and the wisdom to know the difference. Again, welcome!
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Kathy S --
~*I trust my Higher Power that I am exactly where I am supposed to be in my life today.*~
My A (alcoholic -husband) was a recluse too. In our house.So how did he get the liquor? I brought it home with the groceries. First a fifth, and then a bigger bottle and then for the last few months (before alanon) the biggest bottle of vodka that they sold. I did not see my part in this. just how dumb was I to bring home the liquor and then be mad he was drunk all of the time? My eyes were closed to most of it... I worked alot, and travelled alot for work.
then, we were scheduled for a vacation - my A had made all of the plans. I took time off work. I packed both our suitcases. That morning when we were to leave for the airport he was too drunk. We stayed home. I stayed home from work. What an eyeopener. I had not seen what lay before me, wake up drink, pass out, over and over.
I was desperate - what the HECK was this? I posted on my local board my situation (anonymously) and was steered to alanon. What a lifesaver! I cried at my first alanon meeting a week later - acceptance of my husband being an alcoholic, releif that I was not crazy, and courage to change - me, the person that I could and do change.
Alanon is for the person living with the insanity that is alcoholism.
Welcome
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Megan
If you want things you never had you need to do things you have never done
You have found Alanon and this place which is a step for you. I can not tell you of my experience with AA or sobriety because my husband is active and has no intention of sobriety or admission of his problem. What i can express to you is that with alanon and my alanon friends I have been able to concentrate on me and get to a place where I have found happiness again and able to be around my A(husband) with out anger, resentment, discust, etc...
My first meeting I was terrified and anxious but afterwards felt wonderful. Also reading and understanding the literature has helpped so much. Alanon is based on the 12 steps from AA so her concentrating on her self is correct as you will find that it is vital for you as well.
Read these boards and I am sure that you will find others in your situation. I have posted the 1-4 steps explained which I found on a naranon message board which have also helpped me put the steps into perspective and they have helpped me realize more than I did on my own.
Also the 3 C's are helpful to know I didn't cause it I can not cure it I can not control it
You don't mention the ages of your children but I believe that seeking help for them would be a good thing, as well. If their mother's behavior is embarrassing to them, they need an outlet, guidance and assistance, as much as you do. Check out the sites available to them on the MIP homepage. Having a parent to talk to is one thing but being able to confide in others their own age and in the same type of circumstances will be more helpful than you know, especially if they are teenagers. And the anonymity will allow them to open up even further. As you begin your journey into AlAnon, you may want to consider showing your children a path that they may begin to follow, as well.
Good luck to you as you take your first steps in AlAnon and come here often. The wisdom and sharing of the members of this board will help you through a lot. Although I seldom post, they have helped me more than any of them know. Thank you to all who bear the wisdom that has given me the ability and strength to deal with this disease.
~arwyn
-- Edited by ArwynEvenstar at 16:49, 2005-03-09
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"Life is not so short but that there is always time enough for courtesy."
- Ralph Waldo Emerson
Alanon is definately the place for you. It will not stop your Wife from drinking, but it will help you take care of you no matter what she does.
We have all seen the writing on the wall, when we think a loved one is going to start again, but you have to realize that you can do nothing to stop it.
It sounds like your Wife is still in denial, hopefuly she will come to realize what she needs to do for herself. Until then, you have to realize that you are not responsible for her drinking or her actions when she drinks.
I have always been honest with my children about my Husbands drinking. I do shelter them from the danger, they do not drive with him, nor do I leave them alone with him. But they see what it is and they are in support groups and counciling.
No one can tell you what to do in your own Marriage, that is for you to decide, but as you continue in the program, you can clearly see what is best for all of you. Then you can make decisions that are not out of haste or anger, but based on what is truly best.
Even if she does not stay sober this time, as the kids and you begin living your lives, she might begin to open her eyes.
Glad your here. Yep alcoholism can be very confusing, painful infact I would venture to say it finds about everything that will hurt and twists. I know what you and your kids are going through. All you can do is take care of yourself and the kids. You know we seem to fill our heads with their stuff, how they are going to change, how we can help them change. Sad to say we can't and from one that knows first hand the more you try the worse the situation gets, she needs to get well because she wants to, not because you have threatened divorce, I know that one all to well myself it dont work. Yea it got my wife in rehab 2 years ago but she went for the wrong reasons as it seems she went for me. She's got a tough road ahead of her as it isn't easy, your desire for her to get well is not gonna hold water in her recovery, its her desires with some help from god that are ultimatlely going to carry the day, and I do mean day. One day at a time friend. (yea i need to keep being reminded of this myself). Keep comming back here, go to a face to face meeting, I did last night as my head was fillin with her stuff last few days, I'll tell you what I feel alot better today, I quite frequently have to "clean the house of my thoughts".
Hang in there Beskem. Your only alone if you let yourself be alone, find a face to face meeting.
Let yourself laugh and put a smile on, let yourself feel good for awhile.
