The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
Lastnight all was going just fine and for once in such a long time I was headded to bed early, had a shower and getting ready for bed. When I got out of the shower I heard my daughter crying and since AH was home and not intoxicated I figured he would tend to daughters needs but no she continued to cry. So I quickly dried off and went to her standing on the edge of the bed crying she had stood there instead of going to the bathroom and had an accident. My first reaction was that of anger towards hubby for not comming to her when he was just in the living room watching tv and on the computer. But like I have learned never to assume or have any expectations. So after getting my daughter settled into bed I went to talk to my hubby wich took all myself control because I so just wanted to yell at him. I asked why he did not go to her and he said "I didn't feel like it". My skin was crawling with anger.... Detach....Let go.... god grant me the serenity.....I didn't yell though. I just asked him questions and let him know that if he would have go to her right away she probably wouldn't have had the accident. I didn't blame him but let him know that I was disapointed in him for his lack of compassion for our children and that them crying is natrual and they need us to be compassonate and caring for their needs. He tried to manipulate me into fighting with him and I saw what he was doing right away and the was absolutly no way I was going to get sucked into that. So I remained calm and talked to him and explained that I was not going to fight with him but just talk. He said sory (not looking at me) so I asked if he had meant it or was just saying that, he replyed just saying that so I would go away. ggggrrrrr he almost had me their and I just remembered that it is the disease talking.
Well durring our talk I had asked him if he had any questions about all of the alanon literature I had around the house and he didn't even notice it. I asked him if he wanted to know where I went on Wednessday nights he said he didn't care what i did but I told him anyhow and asked him how he felt about it and explained to him why I was going. All he had to say about it was do you feel better? Does it make you feel better to call me an alcoholic? I just answered do you notice any differences? "You don't bitch about everything" This is for me....I have to keep reminding myself. I almost let him really get to me and I am not as confidant and happy as say yesterday afternoon but I am not depressed. I am looking it as a hurdle I got over not so gracefully but I DID get over it. I still went to bed early for me and actually slept well.
"Today I will let my words serve my best interests. I will choose them with care.
Well done jj. It is so hard not to get involved. They know all the tricks and know exactly what to say and do to get us to react. But you didn't. You quietly and politely said how you felt, then left it alone. So much better than ranting and raving then feeling sick in the stomach. I only hurt myself when I react. My husband knows exactly how to push my buttons and I have to work hard at UNlearning all that destructive behaviour I learned in order to cope with living with an active A. My husband calls Alanon "the All Alone Club". He can't afford to admit that it helps me because that would mean he would have to start looking at himself.
Give yourself a pat on the back. It's a lovely feeling isn't it when you can say to yourself "yes, I got that one right". Stay strong and take care of you. sheila
I am too trying to work on empowering myself. That is what I call it, not an alanon term that I know of. I could say I am focusing on my recovery and taking care of me. I have learned to choose my battles or choose how long I am going to be in them. The timing is important too. I understand how it feels when a mom feels her kids are being mistreated or neglected. I use to take action too, but back when my kids were young I did not have alanon and boy did I yell and get dramatic. I am glad I am learning a new way of dealing with situations even though they may not be related to the alcoholic either. I agree, give yourself a pat on the back. And, yes, this changing is exhausting and doesn't feel so happy when we try it. Progression not Perfection. Your friend in recovery, cdb
Thank you my friends for your encouragement. I wasn't quite sure how to feel about the situation this afternoon and just reading your replys has helpped me relax again. Thank you so much.
Learning that this roller coaster ride might get a bit bumppy once in a while and the love and support from all of you will help me get through them not so wonderful times.
JJ May I always follow your example. Seems its easy to say i'm not gonna slip into "it" again cause I'm the only one to lose, it however is much harder to live when challanged. Good for you, and good for me that you shared it.
From one that hopefully has retired his Ice Skates perminantly. But I know I'll get if i do skate again
When it comes to abuse of children, I am a stickler, no doubt. His neglect was major abuse for you daughter. That will be in her conscious the rest of her life if some significant experience does not bring it to surface hopefully during a therapy session. Your man needs to be shown the door… kicked to the curb… change the locks… Your man deserves to be loved… he is a creature of God… he does not need be given the right by you to abuse your daughter… sperm does not make a father… fathering, parenting makes a father!You aught to be angry, not serene at all… cop out to your responsibility… if you deny it… it is too.
what i would have like to do but didn't 
