The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
Remember the HALT formula - when you are Hungry, Angry, Lonely, or Tired, you are more likely to act out. When you are hungry, you can eat. When you are lonely you can seek company or make a phone call. When you are tired you can give yourself some rest. But what can you do when you are angry?
The immature part of us tell us that we must retaliate when we are angry. It says, "Don't get mad - get even." The hurt and immature part of us thinks the offending other deserves to be hurt in turn - the resentment builds. Or the frightened part of us thinks that the person we are angry with will smash in our heads or burn down our house if we express the anger so we internalize the anger and feel shame because we are afraid - the resentment builds. By now you know what building resentment sets in motion in your life. Acting in vengeance or acting in passive aggression often brings the consequence of increased shame and isolation. It heightens the risk of acting out. Whether we act-out the resentment or act-in the resentment, we build and hold the resentment. And that is antagonistic to recovery.
When you realize that you have an active resentment grinding away in your brain, do something to deal with your resentment. There are lots of ways to do that. You can talk with the offending person in a mature, responsible, non-threatening way. You can "Let go and let God". You can remember that the actions of the other whom you resent were not personal and are about the other - not about you. You can work on your compassion for the person who hurt you because compassion is a necessary step in forgiveness. You can talk with some trusted person to vent your hurt feelings. You can talk with the hurt and angry child within you and assure that part of yourself that he or she is safe and lovable.
In the long run, it doesn't matter what method you choose so long as you release the resentment. Freeing yourself from resentment helps you to stay on your path of recovery and to avoid painful and damaging slips.
