The material presented
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to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
I find that my expectations get me in so much trouble. When the a goes through a good spell, doesn't drink much if at all, or whatever, I expect for things to continue like that. If he is on a binge, my expectations are similar, as in things will never change, etc etc. And I get disappointed when things do not go as I expect them to.
Can anyone share their experience strength and hope on how to deal with expectations?
I have often tried to change other people to suit my own desires. If others did not meet my needs, I thought the problem was with them :(. I was looking for my A to meet all my expectations ~~ some of which I expected him to read from my mind (insanity :). The only one who can meet my expectations is ME. I can request things from others. I can make my own needs known, but not everyone will be able to meet them. In Al-Anon, I've learned to examine my own attitudes. Are my expectations realistic? Do I respect other's needs if they are different from mine? Do I appreciate the gifts I already receive?
I hope this helps you. I also talk with a friend in Al-Anon. Or go to a meeting to get my needs met. Talk with a sponsor. Read in Courage to Change an excerpt on expectations. Those help too.
:)
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If I am not for me, who will be? If I am only for myself, then who am I? If not now, when?
Main Entry:ex£pect Pronunciation:ik-*spekt Function:verb Etymology:Latin exspectare to look forward to, from ex- + spectare to look at, frequentative of specere to look — more at SPY Date:1560
intransitive verb 1 archaic : WAIT, STAY 2 : to look forward 3 : to be pregnant : await the birth of one's child — used in progressive tenses *she's expecting next month* transitive verb 1 archaic : AWAIT 2 : to anticipate or look forward to the coming or occurrence of *we expect them any minute now* *expected a telephone call* 3 : SUPPOSE, THINK 4 a : to consider probable or certain *expect to be forgiven* *expect that things will improve* b : to consider reasonable, due, or necessary *expected hard work from the students* c : to consider bound in duty or obligated *they expect you to pay your bills* –ex£pect£able \-*spek-t*-b*l\ adjective –ex£pect£ably \-bl*\ adverb –ex£pect£ed£ly adverb –ex£pect£ed£ness noun synonyms EXPECT, HOPE, LOOK mean to await some occurrence or outcome. EXPECT implies a high degree of certainty and usually involves the idea of preparing or envisioning *expects to be finished by Tuesday*. HOPE implies little certainty but suggests confidence or assurance in the possibility that what one desires or longs for will happen *hopes to find a job soon*. LOOK, with to, implies assurance that expectations will be fulfilled *looks to a tidy profit from the sale*; with for it implies less assurance and suggests an attitude of expectancy and watchfulness *look for rain when the wind shifts to the northeast*.
I like #2. I look forward to people doing certain social things like respect me, but then again I do not expect them to do so. This kind like an oxymoron use of the word 'expect'.
I have learned that an expectation is nothing more than a resentment in the making. What that means is if I expect someone to behave a certain way and they don't, then I become resentful. Resentments hurt us just as much as they hurt the A's. We need to do whatever necessary to be rid of them. The only one I can have expectations of is myself because I am the only one I can control. I can have *hope* of certain things, but I cannot expect. I can hope my A doesn't use today, but I can't expect him not to. I had to learn to accept life on lifes terms, not on mine. The only way I found to do that was to put my trust in my Higher Power.
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Kathy S --
~*I trust my Higher Power that I am exactly where I am supposed to be in my life today.*~
My A will be incapable of contibuting anything to my life. He doesn't work, clean, help out -if he does he crows about it.
The other night (he is sober for a bit now as he has a vicious cold/flu and can't make it to the liquor store) he said a few things to me about his contributions to our life together and I blurted out - what are you talking about?????I walked away and took a long long shower.
yesterday he called me to say he would pick me up from work. Okay fine. he called at 5 but I was on an important call and told him 5:30. he called back at 5:30 and said can you walk. I said of course I can. I figured he was too looped to pick me up - my expectation he will be drunk.
I call the local chinese place and pick up some chinese dinner for me on the way home.
When I get home I find out he is too sick and dizzy from medicatation to drive. I told him, oh I figured you were drunk. He said I though you would figure that and I did.
I try to expect nothing from my A. I have begun to expect ALOT from myself. I am venturing beyond my comfort zone where I was down in the hole of despair. I expect I will get up and shower every day. Put in a good days work. be sociable with my co-workers instead of keeping to myself. see my family and friends instead of hiding away. exercise every day, be nice to myself. Buy nice clothes and shoes. Treat myself to a movie. Go to the library and read - oh I love to read and had put that out the window for years.
My expectations are now of myself...
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Megan
If you want things you never had you need to do things you have never done
Don't expect at all. Don't expect an A to anything but what he does. Oh sure, we all have hope for their recovery and health, but expectations? Not me.
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If we think that miracles are normal, we will expect them. And expecting a miracle is the surest way to get one.
My best love was my dog. I was at my best. I didn't expect him to be more than a dog. His job was to be a dog. Mine was to be a human. I was grateful for him (still am).
I try to remember that when I am resentful of my husband's behavior. I need to accept him as he is, let him be (as if my interference could have any effect anyway) and go through life with or without him. I cannot afford resentment no matter what.
Your post really got me thinking about my own expectations of my A and how holding on to those expectations are continuing to hurt and pain me. I guess I keep thinking about my A - But you have to be a good parent/husband/friend/partner i expect that of you, you owe it to me, to your son, to yourself! But of course the reality is so different. I have to learn to let go of my expectations face my new reality and expect nothing of my A in his present state.
It seems to me its the disapointment that comes from the expectation that hurts, I guess remove the expectation and the disapointment will not be created.
I guess facing our realities and accepting them 'Accept the things we cannot change' helps us to move forward with out the disapointment/hurt/bitterness of unmet expectations.
Did I just repeat myself? Sorry
Still mulling over this expectations expectations have always probably expected too much from myself and others - must chill out and expect nowt and be thankful for what I do receive - its a bonus
I have found that having any expectations of my A was a guarantee to be let down and hurt.
I used to resent the fact, that while I was always there for him, he was never there for me.
I had gotten into trouble with my last pregancy. Our son had to be delivered by an emergency C-section, two months early. We did not even know if he was still alive.
While I was on the table, my husband was out of the hospital drinking. The Dr could not find him to have him sign a paper to tye my tubes after they saw it would be dangerouse to have any more children. I had to go back in at a later date to have this done. I remember being so angry and hurt. He saw nothing wrong with what he had done, said so you go in another time, big deal. I then said since he was the reason they didn't do it, could he go have a Vasectomy. He and his parents flipped out. It was my problem, not his.
In hindsight, I should have made sure the papers where in order. I should not have depended on him to care for my health.
The only person you should have any expectations from is yourself. If anyone else steps up, it will be a nice surprise.
