I checked out the sites Wassal suggested. I think every newcomer should go there. I know it sure opened my eyes, and I've been coming here over a year. There is a lot of useful information there that will help you understand your A. I couldn't get to the 2nd site at first, but cut it back to: addictionz, and found it, best of luck in your recovery, TLC

I've been reading How Alanon Works, and last night read "In Al-Anon, we do not give advice.  Nobody tells anyone else what to do about their own private situation.  For example, we neither advocate nor oppose staying married or getting divorced, confronting the alcoholics in our lives or keeping quiet, allowing our children to live at home or asking them to move out, breaking contact with our families or continuing to develop our relationships.  These and countless other difficult decisions are uniquely personal and can only be made by the individuals involved." (p.16) 

It goes on to talk about taking our time making these major decisions because as we learn and grow in Al-Anon, our perspective changes, we find options we hadn't considered before, and are able to make decisions we can live with. 

I know when I was new, I felt it was important for my A to know how I felt about his drinking.  I thought if he knew how I felt, if I could just get him to see how hurtful it was, that he would quit.  Now I know that it isn't as simple as that.  His drinking isn't about me or how I feel.  It is a disease.  As Tina Turner sang "What's Love Got to do with It"....and really it isn't about whether he loves me or not. 

Nowadays, whether he drinks or not, my feelings/thoughts on it are, it's none of my business.  The only time I'd step in and say something would be, like someone else mentioned, if he were to get into the car with the kids to drive or anything else like that where it might put my or my kids lives in jeopardy.  I haven't had to face that problem as mine drinks at home in the evenings and then just goes to sleep.  He has several times gotten in his car to go buy another bottle...the only time I "interfered" in that was when he started to take MY car. 

What I thought of with your question is, what would saying something accomplish?  Only you know your man, how he would react.  Would saying something make him cease to "hide" when he uses, or would it make him "hide" it all the more?  Does either way matter?  What is your real motivation for saying anything about it?  How Important Is It?  These are the type of questions I ask myself when I begin to feel like I might need to say something.  I also ask myself, am I focusing on something that is HIS business and not mine?  Should I be focusing on something else instead?  It was really hard for me to distinguish what was "mine" and what was "his" at first.  Many a time I said "but he's my husband, what he does affects me!"  It took me a while to understand that even tho he is my husband, that doesn't mean he is my property or vice versa, and that we each are entitled to our separate things.  Honesty and Respect, not Control, is what I strive for in our relationship.  Looks like that is what you are seeking too. 

All I can share is my experience, the things I've asked myself, the new perspective Al-Anon has given me.  All I can do is encourage you to Keep Coming Back! and give yourself the chance to find the answers you seek as you Listen and Learn from the program.  It really Does help!  I spent many hours in our chat room here, I still do, and I also attend ftf (face to face) meetings locally.  We can help you find meetings if you don't know where they are.  Best wishes to you!

Luv, Kis

thank u to all of you for your responses. I think I just look for the "right" answer too much--and there really isn't one. I have to remember my 3 C's and then I know that I don't have the power to mess things up.

I'll keep coming back. It is nice to talk about this in an appropriate place.