The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
My A boyfriend and I have been dating for a little over a year now. He's been sober and attending AA on a regular basis for 2 years on March 2nd. We've had a lot of problems, mainly because we're so similar. We've been trying the last 2 months to fix our relationship and make it work. We both love each other, but agree that we're not in love with each other.
Lately I've been seeing a lot of the same old behaviors. He doesn't want to spend time with me, we argue more, and nothing seems to be right no matter what I do. He tells me he thinks that I want to leave and that he can't make me happy. It's a guilt trip and I know that. I've been feeling like I do a majority of the work in this relationship and when I ask him for some help, it turns into an arguement and he tells me that "I'm not letting him be himself" and that's why he doesn't have any motivation to spend time with me.
So tonight he told me the same old stuff and then went to a meeting. I had tried to talk to him about how I'm feeling and what I want and didn't get anywhere. So while he was at the meeting I brought a bag of his stuff that he had at my place and left it at his door. I left a short note about how I'm tired of trying to make this work when he keeps pushing me away and keeping me at a distance. I told him I still love him and that I'm sorry I couldn't be the person he was looking for.
I don't feel very good or relieved about this. I feel like I'm making a mistake, but I haven't been taking care of myself. I still love him with all my heart and I've been crying most of tonight. I just don't think I can do it anymore. I feel more like a convenience to him than a girlfriend. I don't have that many friends that I can confide in and our Al-Anon group in town isn't very close with each other. I just need someone who can say that they understand and that I'm going to be okay. I want to be with him so badly. I feel like I'm falling apart and I'm so lonely right now.
I'm feeling the same, Angel. I'm feeling EXACTLY the same. I am recovering from a week's visit with my estranged A. Even tho, we left it on good terms, I'm a mess. All the old feelings of confusion are back. I haven't slept a wink tonight. My nerves are on edge. We have a train in town that goes thru almost hourly & I'm swearing that damn thing. Every nerve in my body is shot.........lol.
Think I will get some sleeping pills for tomorrow night. I'm going crazy. Definitely won't start drinking again, altho, it would help me sleep, it will put me back into the crazies again too.
Am I better without him? Is he worth it? It's a roller coaster ride of emotions for me. It helps that I have been here before so I know what to expect. I know it will get better. I'm definitely thinking of setting some more boundaries with him for next visit.
All I can say is to keep working your program, it will get better. I promise.
this is why recovering alcoholics are discouraged from having relationships in early sobriety.
look at it from his point of view, objectively. he's trying his darndest to stay sober. he's trying to put that first. he's trying to speak up for himself so he doesn't have resentments. he sees your requests as demands. he doesnt' have enough emotional maturity yet to be able to balance all that.
now from your point of view. you are right to take care of you. the best thing you can do is get to alot of meetings and start putting your self first. practice detachment, stop placing expectations on this relationship. and see where God's will takes you. practicing loving from a distance can do wonders for a relationship.
It has been my experience the only thing I can do whether I am in a situation with an active alcoholic or a sober one is to take good care of myself first and foremost. Taking care of myself means keeping the focus on myself at all times and on my recovery from the effects the disease of alcoholism has had on my life.
I sense from your post that you are hurting in a big way and that you are very confused. Take a moment and do something for yourself right now whether that be taking a walk, having a warm bath, listening to your favourite music..anything that you enjoy doing that will bring love and comfort to yourself.
Recovering alcoholics need to stay sober and they have to do whatever that is to achieve this. The very best you can do for both yourself and him is to take care of you...focus on you and your recovery. Step One tells us that we admitted we were powerless over alcohol and that our lives had become unmanageable. This step is true both for the alcoholic and for us as we have struggled along on our own to cope with this disease.
Believe me, Angel, I do understand what you are feeling right now and I know how lonely it can be. Please keep posting here and coming to our on-line meetings, keep attending your face-to-face meetings and keep reading our Al-Anon literature. When you keep attending meetings and listening you will keep growing and begin to not feel so lonely and alone. I understand you want to be him but for right now he cannot give to you what he himself does not possess.
You may not like to hear this but, I cannot stress to you enough, the very best that you can do for the both of you right now is take good care of yourself and keep growing in your own recovery. Try not to take the things he says to you personally as he is a man trying to recover from the insidious, cunning and baffling disease called alcoholism. The 5g's have always helped me stay clear in my head: 1. Get off his back 2. Get out of his way 3. Get into yourself 4. Give him to God, and 5. Go to a Meeting.
Please take good care of you, angel, by keeping the focus on YOU!
Yours in recovery - Shimo
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The ultimate lesson all of us have to learn is unconditional love, which includes not only others but ourselves as well. Elisabeth Kubler-Ross
Hi Angel, I know how you are feeling right now. It is a hard road to travel! I agree that it's time to start concentrating on you right now. Once you find some Serenity in your life, by doing what you want to do, when you want to do it, concentrating your energy on yourself instead of living your whole life centered around your A, things will get better.
He is struggling with a very powerful disease and really has to concentrate himself on that right now. Maybe now is the time to concentrate you on your recovery. Alanon has the tools to help you through this. We all are, or have been in your shoes, and we certainly understand what you are going through! We are here for each other, for hope, support, compassion, understanding, love, encouragement...
Keep coming here, and/or get to some face-to-face metings. Maybe your HP is letting you know that you need some time apart for both of you to heal? Just my 2 cents worth, TLC
When we end or take a break from any relationship, it doesn't usually feel good. It is an ending and it usually hurts.
Sometimes what we want isn't what is best for us or for our partner. That is when we have to trust that our HP knows what is best for us, and that in itself is hard.
You need to do the things that are best for you right now, and he needs to concentrate on staying sober. For now that has to be enough. Anything else, you just have to be patient and see what the future has in store for you.
Take care of yourself, first and foremost, your worth it.
