The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
I got an email from John asking for some assistance with the message board and thought "what do I have to offer?" Then I overslept this morning and missed by F2F and remembered the seed that John planted :) and thought well I can go the message board this morning for my "meeting." Thank God for Al-Anon's lifeline for me. The following is one of my most favorite readings which I shared in chat some time ago. Some people in chat asked me to email it to them, so I thought perhaps this would helps others too just as it has helped me painfully yet lovingly "let go of my loved ones (children and siblings) not in recovery."
Letting Go of Those Not In Recovery
We can go forward with our life and recoveries, even though someone we love is not yet recovering.
Picture a bridge. On one side of the bridge, it is cold and dark. We stood there with others in the cold and darkness, doubled over in pain. Some of us developed an eating disorder to cope with the pain. Some drank; some used other drugs. Some of us lost control of our sexual behavior. Some of us obsessively focused on addicted people’s pain to distract us from our own pain. Many of us did both: We developed an addictive behavior and distracted ourselves by focusing on other addicted people. We did not know there was a bridge. We thought we were trapped on a cliff.
Then, some of us got lucky. Our eyes opened, by the Grace of God, because it was time. We saw the bridge. People told us what was on the other side: Warmth, light, and healing from our pain. We could barely glimpse or imagine this, but we decided to start the trek across the bridge anyway.
We tried to convince the people around us on the cliff that there was a bridge to a better place, but they wouldn’t listen. They couldn’t see it; they couldn’t believe. They were not ready for the journey. We decided to go alone, because we believed and because people on the other side were cheering us onward. The closer we got to the other side, the more we could see and feel that what we had been promised was real. There was light, warmth, healing and love. The other side was a better place.
But now, there is a bridge between us and those on the other side. Sometimes, we may be tempted to go back and drag them over with us, but it cannot be done. No one can be dragged or forced across this bridge. Each person must go at his or her own choice, when the time is right. Some will come; some will stay on the other side. The choice is not ours.
We can love them. We can wave to them. We can holler back and forth. We can cheer them on, as others have cheered and encouraged us. But we cannot make them come over with us.
If our time has come to cross the bridge, or if we have already crossed and are standing in the light and warmth, we do not have to feel guilty. It is where we are meant to be. We do not have to go back to the dark cliff because another’s time has not yet come.
The best thing we can do is stay in the light, because it reassures others that there is a better place. And if others ever do decide to cross the bridge, we will be there to cheer them on.
Today’s reminder: I will move forward with my life, despite what others are doing or not doing. I will know it is my right to cross the bridge to a better life, even if I must leave others behind to do that. I will not feel guilty, I will not feel ashamed. I know that where I am now is a better place and that is where I am meant to be.
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If I am not for me, who will be? If I am only for myself, then who am I? If not now, when?
Thank you for that wonderful reminder. I am in recovery, and feeling the warm and light. It has been a very difficult road,managed to cross the bridge, kicking and screaming! not withstanding I am working towards a better way each and everyday. I feel at times that I trip over and over again, and sometimes I fall back to old learned behaviors. This program is a life giver/saver. Now I am able to live life, instead of letting it pass by without truly enjoying it. I am no longer fulll of anger and resentments, but have replaced those unwanted feelings with hope. I surrendered. It sounds so easy to say it or write the words, but it is true, It happened to me. One thing that stands out in my mind, is when this light hit me. I was not willing to give up on life, at the time because I have children, and I knew that ending my life- weather physically or mentally, would cause more harm then good. After I got off my pity potty, I slowly raised my white flag.... and asked for help, and wouldnt you know it my higher power took over, and slowly my pain was lessened, mind you, not all of it, but the majority of it, the parts that I knew I could not withstand any longer. One of the books I was reading said that even if we fall back to old behaviors, it does not mean we are starting at square one again, infact, we will never be "back to the same place"simple because we NOW know the difference, so I forgave myself for not being perfect. I have so much to learn, about myself, and forgiveness, love and respect, for myself and others. But have picked up a few tools, and have applied them.
I will be honest with others and myself. One way of doing that is today, by thanking the person, who said, that we need to post shares so that other people living in pain, might learn or get some insight by reading our "stuff", and I was feeling kind of down that I had not posted, but instead simply read the heartfelt words of others. Thanks John for reminding me what this program is all about- caring and sharing etc. By taking the time and allowing others to know they are not alone, we all need to share by doing so we help along others who have been to the places we may no longer visit. Boy have I got a long way to go, but at least I am here now for today. Thank you, everyone. Dorean sharing
Maria123, what a wonderful reading this is, thanks so much for sharing it with us, sometimes we forget the pain that others are going through. thinking only of our own pain. My goal is to cross that bridge and never lose sight of the other side. It truly is a decision we all have to make for ourselves. Thanks so much for the reminder.
Maria, thank you for posting the beautiful message. It brought tears and a wonderful feeling of peace. I want to save it and print it out so I can read it over and over. It is so meaningful and so true. I realize that unless my A is willing to live in the light, he will continue with his health problems. And, there isn't anything I can do to get him across that bridge unless he is willing to go. Love and peace to you. Annie
Thanks for this one...I read it many times over the past 3 years...Never knew if my A would find AA again or not...and stick with it. This reading was my only comfort.
Then there's a song by Faith Hill w/lyrics... "If you fall behind, I will wait for you,"
Beautiful thought, beautiful saying in normal relationships, but with addicts...yikes! (With addicts, we can wait too long, and then can take us down under, too!)
So now, my A ( sober now,) guess I will see if he can make it stick this time, but I have promised myself this is his last chance.
Annie