The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
What a relief to find people who understand and who can offer hope and support. The last 18 months for me has been like riding a small boat in stormy seas.
Over the last 18 months my A has had 3 jobs, 3 breakdowns, fallen out with all of his friends, been unemployed 3 times, been diagnosed by our family doctor with 'Acute Anxiety disorder' and of course hit the bottle at every opportunity. He has turned in to a bully and a power and control freak and my son (3) and I are both scared of him as he flares up in to random rages over any thing and every thing.
I have soldiered on all year and kept working, cooking, cleaning, eating and showering, but become increasingly upset, nervous, anxious and emotionally distraught.
A says that all of his problems are due to bad childhood/no family support/traffic/work/living in city/bad unsupportive wife(me)/stressful toddler/house not being PERFECT.
Three weeks ago he put our house up for sale and announced that we are moving out of the city and to the country and he is going to sort out his drinking/anger/anxiety problems there and that will solve everything.
I'm not so sure, my inner core is saying DON'T DO IT! Am v scared of surviving on my own with child, but am searching for peace and tranquility, think I might go it on my own and hope some space from A might give me some clarity and vision.
Would love to go to F2F meetings but have difficulty with child care arrangements and scared of A punishing me. Would love to have some feed back.
They often have f2f during the day with childcare - please look into it, it helps quite alot
Selling the house and moving to an isolated spot is part of the alcoholic patter. We sold our house and moved twice since. My A is at this moment passed out in our new place on the couch. I came home from work at 5, he was passed out. He got up for 2 hours-drank and went back to couch.
Moving did not help
When I first started alanon last year I told him "the meetings are for me, I have problems. He said do you talk about me I said no this is for me and it is.
My A is unemployed now for 3 years since being fired and has no interest in work.
Please keep the safety of yourself and your child first.
Alanon helps, things
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Megan
If you want things you never had you need to do things you have never done
Welcome! I do not post often, but I am in the same situation you are in.
My A is my husband also, and while he has attempted at 'help' once before, he is now in denial again "I don't have a problem, everythings fine!"
Not that I would wish this on anyone, but he has also been out of work for 2 years, and my family, friends and even some in Al Anon give me the 'oh my gosh' look when I say that he hasn't worked in 2 years (which, and it shouldn't, makes me embarrassed). It's comforting to hear someone else who knows what I am dealing with. He has no interest in working. Why should he? He pawns his tools to get beer money, he gambles and gets money, etc. I have done nearly everything to not enable him, short of kicking him out (which has been an idea). I have three kids, and I have to pay the bills and support myself and them. Am I enabling him by not kicking him out? Yeah, probably, but I am not at the point yet when I am certain that it is the right thing to tear our family apart.
I too still see the glimmer of the man I married every so often, and I am working on separating the disease from him.
You are not alone. Try and get to a f2f meeting, many have child care, and tell him that it's a bible study!
(((((((Ava)))))))) sooo glad you are here! No need to sail those seas alone anymore. This website, the message board and the chatroom, they've been my lifeline. I started out in Alanon here and I can't see ever leaving. I do go to ftf (face to face) meetings, but this place really feels like "home" to me. It is always here, no matter what time of day or night. I almost always can find someone in chat - and oh boy there have been some nights when I needed to talk in the wee hours, and thank god someone was here! If you're able to be online, we do have the online meetings every day, twice a day.
I don't know your whole situation, so don't know if my experience will help any. When you spoke of anxiety, it made me think how my being scared/angry/hurt would just seem to make hubby worse because it piled onto the guilt/anxiety/shame he already had and then he'd drink more and lash out. Once I found Alanon and started changing me, my reactions, started smiling and being happy...it seemed to help him relax also. He said one day "I've really missed your laugh." I really didn't see what a miserable person I had become until after being in Alanon and focusing on myself. Wow! I am just so grateful for this program and everyone here.
I don't know if moving helps or not. We've moved 4 times in the past 5 years, the first 2 moves due to jobs, the 3rd to property he inherited, and the last move was when we sold that property and moved out of the city to a small mountain town. Personally, I am more relaxed and serene here in this setting. I think he is too. We don't have to worry about our kids getting shot walking down the street to the store. Sure there are still other worries, but it just seems less stressful. Just plain old moving doesn't fix things, but maybe the setting might help while you go about trying to sort things out. I'm a country gal at heart, so of course I prefer it here. Some people are city at heart though. The main thing is having a program to work. If you don't have that, well then, you're just dragging the same baggage wherever you go, right?
We can only share our experiences, strength and hope with you. If some of this helps, great! Usually if you're here long enough, you'll hear your story from someone else...they'll be talking and you'll be saying Yeah! right along with them. Please keep coming back as often as you can. And as megan said, be safe!! Alanon is a process, no quick fix. If you feel you are unsafe where you are, then get to a safe place. (((((((((Big Hugs))))))))))))
Luv, Kis
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Let your light shine in the darkness. "I can't just bring my mind to meetings...I must also bring my heart."
As an ex-abuser of drugs like alcohol, etc I say that your man so very selfishly selling your house and moving to the country will not solve his addiction to chemicals. All he will be doing is selfishly putting you and your child through the tremendous stress of moving. Thins are not going to get better for you until you change; change your wants, desires, and expectations… a lifestyle change. So, this is what I believe.
Mon-Fri: 9 am and 9 pm EST Thursday 9 PM is reserved for Tradition meeting. Sat: 10 am and 9 pm EST Sun: 10 am and 7 PM EST
Meetings run 90 minutes and topics are picked by participants at meeting time.
Now as to your dilemma...
Geographic cures don't work. Everywhere he goes, there he is.
An alcoholic will say and do anything to keep the bottle in first place, no matter who gets hurt.
I suggest heading for a face to face meeting as soon as you can. the people there have been through what you're going through and are well able to help.
Ava, thank you for sharing. I can understand your concern about your family and your son. My A also changed jobs and was jobless at times when we were first married. And, I, too, have not left my A because I didn't/don't want to destroy our family even though he is certainly adding to its destruction. And, I was afraid to go to face-to-face because he would get angry. Even now when I am on-line, he comes and looks over my shoulder to "spy" on me and see what I am doing. I wish I had let him leave when he walked out one time when I was complaining about his drinking; guess who ended up apologizing.
It is distressing as to how controlling, jealous he is--it actually makes me mentally ill to think I am in such an unhealthy relationship--it has been 34 years now. But he did stop drinking for "15" of those years--and I was so involved w raising my three sons that I didn't pay much attention to my feelings. When he started drinking heavily about five years ago, his controlling, jealous tendencies became more obvious.
Anyway after all these years, I have FINALLY discontinued putting him on his "god pedestal" and have begun to take care of me. Boy, I wish I would have done that 34 years ago. Keep coming back and TAKE CARE OF YOU. Connect w your HP, and you will know what to do. Love and peace, Annie
Thank you all so much for your love and support you have brought tears to my eyes. I am feeling stronger today and not so alone. MIP is a god send, you veterans make me feel so known and understood.
Annie