Hello Alamom,

Wow! What strong feelings you have going on inside you right now.  I was wondering if you and your husband have ever had counseling? And, are there any kids involved?  I know my husband has felt like you before so I seem to have sympathy for your husband for some strange reason. Counseling has helped us,,with the help of the right counselor which can be tricky too.  Or talking to a church person may work too.  Do you think another seperation would help? IT sounds like you have been able to feel what it is like to not have him around and that feels better than now. I do believe in listening to our HP but I also know that for some that doesn't always happen easily. Also, I have heard that if the non-alcoholic doesn't change themself, they will most likely meet another partner with the same characteristics. I will be looking for more replies to your post too.  Good Luck and keep us updated. cdb

I know how you feel, in a way. It's so hard to forget what this horrible disease has done to you. For sooo long, we have thought that if only the A didn't drink, everything would be ok. Probably the A thinks that way too. Take the last drink, and voila, everything will be just like it should be!

In the meantime, we're still licking our wounds from all the pain that Alcholism has put us through. The A really doesn't remember all the things he/she has done and said, so doesn't understand all the pain we still feel, and all the things we can't forget.

When I took my A back this time, I didn't know if it would work. Sober, he's a wonderful guy, drunk-just the opposite, as most of you know. I always carried the chip on my shoulder, wondering... It's been over a year since his last binge, and things are great right now. I thank my HP many times for what I have right now, and I treasure each moment, but it didn't happen overnight. My A is very possesive and jealous if he even thinks another man might look at me. His last big binge, a woman went to see him a lot, she's beautiful with a drop-dead for figure. He couldn't understand why I was still bitter. I told him to put himself in my shoes, to look at it from that point of view.(this was after he'd been sober for about a year). I think he finally understood.

I didn't know if I could get past that hurt, it still haunts me at times. A little of the love I had died a little with each big binge. It's been a long time, but it has grown back little by little, our relationship his improved step by step, the chip on my shoulder has grown smaller, but it's still there...always wondering. If I hadn't found Alanon, I don't know where I'd be! The people here understand everything we have gone through and are going through. Without the shares on this board, I don't think I could have made it this far!

With your A's sobriety, maybe you should give it 6 months, just as we are advised to do when we first come here? It's a new person I am living with (in his brain). In his brain, he has quit drinking forever, although he has never said that). He has a daily struggle to stay sober, I believe. I see him really struggle some days, so we take it one day at a time, one step at a time. For some people, it has gone beyond ever being healed, but only you know if you love your A enough to go through another big change. I know a lot of people break up after the A gets sober, maybe it just wasn't meant to be? I also know a lot of people go right to another A. Maybe it's a lack of self-love and they unconciously feel they don't deserve any better? I know this was partly true in my case. Start loving YOU, taking care of you, now that you don't have to take care of him. With the 2 of you taking care of you, who knows?! Just my 2 cents worth, take what you want, and leave the rest, TLC to you

After reading these posts, I am compeld to write some words. Since working the first step, I have been able to let go,and let god. At times it is very difficult for me, the emotional turmoil that over comes me, is what makes me ill, so that is when I allow myself to feel all of this junk, and let it go.

Even though I was really tired this weekend after another crisis. I dragged myself to my face to face meeting. Glad I did, because I came to realize it was ok to be feeling the way I did. I don't have any quick fixes or magical words that would make things different I only know that I do have a higher power that takes care of it. I can totally relate to everyone who posts here, and it is in some way very comforting to know that I am not the only one who is going through this type of problem. In my family my husband is the A, and he is active. My 16 year old son, is doing things that push all of the wrong buttons, even a sober person would be at times unable to handle it , but put an active A in the picture and all hell breakes loose. My son and he came to blows, and it was very very painful to see them at each other. My son knows that he should not push a active A, who is under the influence of drink, but he did it anyway, because of his anger. I had to ground him and take away his cell phone, and do the best that I can so he won't continue with his unacceptable behaviors that he was displaying. By seperating the problem of my A, from the issues of my teen son, it was a little easier for me to see the real problems and work towards a productive way of dealing instead of reverting to old and useless patterens. My A, is very insecure and is verbally abusive when he can not handle things. I have learned now that his words can not harm me anymore, but my son is not working a program, he is to angry, he claims that he does not want to give anymore importance to his step dad's problems.. My son, doesn't get it. To bad. I pray for him, and that he will see that he needs to work on himselfand that this program is for him, not the A. But I can only control myself, not him. Yes it is hard. But day by day, I work through it. The guilt I felt this weekend was so so hard to shake, but today is another day, and by the strenth that I have found with all of you here and my face to face meetings , I am able to be gentle with myself.
I am at a cross roads, if I should let me son go to live with father who is thousands of miles away or make him stay with me, until he finishes high school. In my heart I know it would be healthier for him in some ways, but in others, it is just an easy way out. I told my son, that his acting out is something that will happen if he doesn't change his ways, no matter where he is, so I am not taking any major steps to let leave. It brakes my heart truely. I am sad just writing the words. My ex tried to put blame and guilt on me, unfairly, even though he is sober, he is still the same jerk he was when we were together. Anyway thanks for letting me vent I needed it, all my prayer are with those of you here. Love always,Dorean