The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
Probably the main question in the minds of most codependent people who seek hlep is this: Will my husband/wife/lover. quit drinking or doping if I change?
The only answer is a great big unequivicol maybe. There is no guarantee, and no exceptions to the rule.
The fact is the addicts usually dont change until addiction problems outweigh percieved pleasures or benefits.
And its harder to shift that balance, still when someone that a dependent person loves covers ofr them , makes excuses, and helps minimize ther seriousness of plainly destructive behaviour.
Because of the deinal associated with chemical dependency, addicts and alcoholics generally dont go looking for help until they dont see many other choices.
The paradox is that codependents have two choices.
They can remain accomplices to their partners addictions, or they can love them enough to let them experience the effects of their chemical use, love them enough to let them feel the pain they create, love them enough to get them started getting well.
There are so many controversy's about codependency, and questions am I or am I not etc,,I hope this helps those who question just that..............gardengal
The paradox is that codependents have two choices.
They can remain accomplices to their partners addictions, or they can love them enough to let them experience the effects of their chemical use, love them enough to let them feel the pain they create, love them enough to get them started getting well.
I needed to read this very much Gardengal.
It sure helps to know others have fought the same battles.
Alanon has helped me to see that all my fixing and helping are crutchs. I am dismantling them...
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Megan
If you want things you never had you need to do things you have never done
The fact is that if we don't learn how to stop enabling our A's, we could in fact love them to death. When I first came to the program everything I read about enabling made sense to me. However I couldn't figure out how to stop. I was so used to doing so many things for him, that I didn't know how to stop without feeling mean or selfish. When I got a sponsor and we discussed this issue, she asked me why I felt the need to do so much for him? Things he was capable of doing himself (or at least should have been) I told her because I loved him and wanted to help him. I wanted to take some of the pressure off him so he wouldn't be tempted to use. Yes I was brand new LOL That's when she said the statement that literally made me stop enabling. She said it was great that I loved him, but asked if I wanted to love him to death? Wow! I had never thought about it like that before. It was then that I realized all the things that I was doing to make his life more comfortable was in fact preventing him from feeling the painful consequences of his drug use. Maybe even the pain needed in order to make him want to change. After accepting the full impact my help could have on him it was very easy for me to stop enabling in every way. Although we have no control over their drug use and there is in fact nothing we can do to make them stop, we can in round about ways contribute to them not reaching their bottoms if we constantly stand in the way. At least that has been my experience.
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Kathy S --
~*I trust my Higher Power that I am exactly where I am supposed to be in my life today.*~
Does my behavior keep him from finding recovery? I never can get this straight. The part about loving him to death... well I can grab that one because it brings me to familiar territory: I am guilty about something I did out of (according to me) honorable intentions. The rub for me is that it clashes with my idea of the 3 C's. I don't get how my behavior can keep someone from their bottom at the same time as I don't cause it, can't cure it (hello??) and can't control it.
The same thing goes for boundaries... how do I set boundaries without controlling someone else? It gets all fuzzy for me.
Thanks for the post. It reminds me that I am not the HP for any A or addict in my life...
One idea that really helped me see how I was enabling is to think about whether I was allowing my A at the time the dignity of her own decisions -- no matter what they were.
If I interfere with another person's natural consequences to their behavior, I am playing God. And I have found out the hard way in the last year that I am no where near a god to anyone... not even for myself!
So, the concept of not knowing what is best for others keeps me teachable for this day. And for that, I am grateful...
Much love and hugs, Jessi
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If you want something you've never had, you have to do something you've never done.
