The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
My husband has been sober for 13 years so he has never drank around me since he was in "recovery " when we met. He was attending A.A. meetings when we met and he was obviously just three years sober.
After we got married he slowly stopped going to meetings and doing the "work" of the program. Like any good compulsive/addicive personality he latched on to other obsessions, ie, workaholism, over eating.
I try so hard to have an orderly managable life for us and our children. I am far from perfect I am ridgid and controlling. The more out of control he is the more I redouble my efforts at control. He has a hard time following through, forgets important things, doesn't always do what he says he is going to do. In short he can be very unreliable and I have become mistrusting and resentful.
I don't like myself around him. The other night we went to a movie. The day was so mild I wore a little jacket by nightfall after the movie let out I was frozen. He pulled the car out of a too tight spot and I couldn't get in. Then he kindly pulled back into the spot when someone needed to pass, but I was outside freezing. That was a minor thing yet, the rage I felt, "how can he leave me out there freezing". I yelled let me in the car I am freezing. He was silent the whole way home mad because, he said, " I always get angry with him and blow up like that."
Later on that night He tries to have sex and I am thinking "its been two months and I have no desire". I Told him that his irresponsability makes me feel like the mother of the house and of him and that isn't sexy. I tell him I want him to take charge sometimes, but he doesn't. The thing is he runs a company with 60 employees so I know he can. Long story short I went on to say I am tired of having sex his way and want another certain way but can't because he is too heavy. I did try to say it more gently. He asked if I was attracted to him still and I said not as much as when he is a little thinner. (he is 230 and 5'8). I am 5 foot 115 lbs. So it is physically uncomfortable.
I only mention this because he isn't speaking with me. I know what I said was hurtful. I feel guilty and he wants me to believe me, but I also felt relieved because what I said was true. Maybe I am a horrible person for feeling that way but I do. He was 190 when we met and I know people change, but to me its like he is coming to bed stinking drunk the same.
I want to find a codependency rehab. I know they are out there and I feel I need some serious help.....
Please note this is not an endorsement, only a referral - a few of my recovery friends have gone to the Caron Foundation, and had good things to say about it. I know they have a website.
Sad to hear about your woes - I pray HP will help eae your burden.
So glad that you posted. This could be my story and my husband and my reactions. Sometimes I wonder if I just react and don't actually live. My recovering A is the same. He has let the AA meetings go, etc. He rationalizes everything. He too is quite efficient at work but at home he says "I forgot". He seems oblivious to me and our children most of the time. I too beat myself up about being rigid and controlling and I try to compensate for what he doesn't do, forgets to do, refuses to do, and says he can't do. For instance, I try to remember everything. I talk continuously because he says he doesn't have anything to say. But he talks to coworkers all day long. Isn't this a codependency endless circle? And deep down I really know that it is not about me. We went jogging yesterday, I bent over to tie my shoelaces, he keep going and didn't even notice I wasn't next to him. So symbolic of our marriage.
For me, I have been attending Alanon meetings and coming to this board. This has been so helpful in finding out that I am not alone. Also, finding out more about myself. In Wickenburg, Arizona there is a place called The Meadows. You can get help for addictions, families, codependency and all those issues that keep us from having a good life.
