The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
Why should I be the one to change?an exasperated whife might groan. It is his problem!
Sorry in case she hasnt noticed,its her problem too. By blaming partners for their own mixed- up emotions and refusing to deal with their own behaviour, partners of chemically dependent people become what addiction treatment professionals today call "codependents".
Codependents are people who, through ignorance or fear ( and maybe chemical dependency of their own), can acutally enable a dependent person to keep on avoiding the reality of the drug or drinking problem.
Codependence will deny to family and friends, and anyone else who will listen (or demand an explanation) that a partners drinking or drug use is unusual.
Its rarely a conscious choice, but in trying to protect themselves, their partner, or their children from embarrassment (or worse) codependents will deny, over-up, excuse, and even lie about the extent of the problem.
Thats too bad, because all they usually get for their trouble is MORE trouble--and an extension of their partners chemical career. Because the sad truth is that people generally dont seek help for problems they dont admit they have------especially addicts.
Why do codependents do it? Why do they stand in the way of a potentially life threatening health problems?
There are alot of answers------mostly one syllable words we all know including :
I believe a BIG part of codep. is denial. I mean they honestly do not see it. They cannot.
I did not see or understand what was going on for a year at least. I know from experience how your own brain/heart can make you not see what is right in front of you.
Maybe becuz the truth is way too painful. Example your child has all the red flags and signs of using drugs, but I have seen parents who absolutely did not see it.
I believe you hit it right on the head Debilyn..... Denial to avoid pain because something I noticed in the relationship that I was on/off in for about 3 years is that the pain in ending it (grieving) needed to stop. It wasn't until recently that I realized the importance of allowing ourselves to grieve and let go so that we can move forward. As much as I wanted to deny it this time, I couldn't-- it eventually caught up with me, as if I were forced to let go. The pain was just more than I could bare being together. In turn, I am realizing that I've learned a great deal more about myself by not denying the circumstances and for once in my life am able to recognize how truly strong I have become and continue to become for myself and my children. As much as it hurts to miss him sometimes-- I have a sense of accomplishment in who I am becoming as a person today and THAT gives me hope to continue on with my life to new and better opportunities. Hope I could help by sharing some of my painful insights. I'm right there with ya.... :) Hugggggsss
You left one the reasons why codependents do it… there own addictions, as with addiction to need a relationship any kind of a relationship… even a most bad one is better than none when one is addicted to relationships.
You are so right. After I finally came down off my pedestal (on top of which I had installed my pity-pot) and admitted that I, too, had some problems, and the breakup of the marriage was not all HIS fault, I started reading the Big Book of AA. Hmmmm. Quite an eye-opener. So much of it applied to me, just not the specific of alcohol. Love addictions are just as dysfunctional, and are all about not facing our issues of neglect/abuse/codependency.
Thanks for the post gardengal. That is exactly where I am. As Richard said, being addicted to relationships and a person can be just as devastating. I really overeact to my A and his issues and they are his issues. I forget to look at myself. I think forming better boundaries and working on my codependency will help.
I had never even heard the term *codependent* until I got involved with Al Anon and Co Anon. Matter of fact the very first f2f meeting I ever went to was a codependent meeting. I had just about every symptom listed. As I did more research and read all I could, I found out that alot of adult children of alcholics are codependent. For me, it wasn't a matter of denial, it was my fear of abandonment and being alone. I never denied my A had an addiction. I never even lessened the seriousness of it. What I did was stand by his side no matter what. Absolutely determined to make the relationship work so that I wouldn't be alone. I had/have what I've seen referred to as *undue loyalty* Yet another symptom of adult children. As I looked back on my life and my relationships I realized that I was codependent in all of them. Even when things were bad I'd stay, put up with nonsense I shouldn't have, get on my pity party, feel resentful etc etc yet I'd make no real efforts to change anything. Working the 12 steps taught me alot about myself and why I made the choices I did. The bottom line for me came down to fear.
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Kathy S --
~*I trust my Higher Power that I am exactly where I am supposed to be in my life today.*~
